Oh my god. I'm laughing so hard! Okay, so a year or two ago, I came across this video on the youtube that ended up being one of my favorite things of all time. In fact, I included it in a previous post about how to get out of a bad mood. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Check it out:
Oh lord, that one gets me every time! So my wonderful L'il Brudder, Emil, loves Lord of the Rings so much. And while I do hate to mock what he holds dear, that about which he is so passionate, I just can't stop. As if the Lord of the Rings Funny Voices wasn't enough, I had to find this one youtube:
The Benny Hill Theme?! This totally ruins the seriousness and beauty of Lord of the Rings, doesn't it? It's sacrilege really, to be laughing at something so passionate and pure. But...maybe we should just have one more giggle...Aragorn?! Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh???
Damn you Benny Hill!!! I'm shaking my fist at the sky and grabbing your collar simultaneously. Why are you such a genius? This song, also known as "Yakety Sax" (oh I'm very serious), is pure comic gold. Although I was more than satisfied with the Lord of the Rings clips, I wondered if there were any more out there, and whether they'd be as funny...
I recommend focusing on the storm troopers:
Look at Shelley Duvall's face! She thinks it's hilarious too!
Explosions in the water! People dying! WooooOOOO!
And of course, the thing that scared me the most out of anything when I was a child...now, hilarious!
Oh Benny Hill! You certainly do slay me! There's a Matrix one too, but I can't embed it. I strongly suggest you check it out though, as all the identical guys falling down is bound to make you bust out. Whew!
Alright, that's probably enough. So, to close, I'll just show you this video of a shrimp. A SHRIMP. Running on a treadmill somehow. To a certain perfect and hilarious soundtrack. Enjoy!
Top Five Places Reem Would Hate To Be 1. A James Taylor Convention 2. JoAnn Fabrics 3. The Sea Ranch (a fish "butcher" in the Chicago suburbs) 4. Harrison's Poultry Store 5. The Lasik Eye Surgery Center (she knows me SO well! Several of these were on my shit list!)
Top Five Things Reem Would Take Bets To Win: 1. any amount of money over $4 2. someone to dye her hair, then wash out the dye over the kitchen sink (Reem's note: it's true! Washing out the dye is SO hard because my entire body gets dyed purple. If you wash the dye out for me, I'll love you forever) 3. anything that gained its fame from an informercial. well almost anything. 4. a delicious sandwich, perhaps one of the 5 listed in the previous blog 5. some opportunity for the loser to make an ass of themselves.
Five best Bets I've Won In My Life 1. Laith bet me I couldn't eat a whole Awesome Blossom. I did it, won $17 dollars and had my meal paid for, and had indigestion for three days. Just FYI, I substituted ranch for the sauce they serve with it, and stuck to water all night. 2. Emil thought one or two of the member of Hanson were girls. I bet him they were all boys. I won. 3. The Beach Caper. The video explains a lot. 4. This one hasn't been won by me yet, but it will: I bet Nick that the store Elves Palace sells at least three of the following: pewter wizard figurines, crystals, gargoyle statues, incense holders in the shape of something...like a goddess. 5. Once Sara and I made a Gentleman's Wager. What it was, I unfortunately cannot tell you. This has been driving me crazy for 24 hours now because I can't remember what it is! Anybody remember??
I'm sure there will be more. Probably this is the only thing I'll blog about anymore. Waa waa!
I wish I could say that this video needs no explanation, but that would be a lie. And I'm not as good a liar as I used to be. So here you go:
Yesterday my siblings and I went to the beach. It was a really beautiful day, sunny and bright, about 60 degrees. Not quite swimming weather, but beautiful nonetheless. We had our shoes off; the sand was warm on the surface, but cold and damp a few inches down. Absolutely fantastic.
Emil, for some reason, had insane amounts of sporting equipment in the trunk of his car: a tennis racket, several tennis balls, one or two ice skates, a few hurleys, and a sliotar (pronounced "shlitter," the ball used in the sport of hurling. I know. It all rules, right?). He wanted to hit the ball back and forth, but Sara had other ideas.
"I'll give you a dollar if you go in the lake," she says to me. I hesitate. There's not much I'll do for just a dollar anymore - you see, I'm a classy lady now. Plus, that water was going to be freezing! "I'll make it two," she says. I decline. She finally ups it to four whole dollars, which I consider for a moment.
"Wait, I don't want money, I want something...like an actual thing, or action," I say decidedly.
"Okay, I'll dye your hair for you," she compromises. This sounds good to me, even though she'd already said she would dye my hair this weekend. But this way I'm earning it, see?
Of course, with any challenge or bet, the stakes rose quickly. Sara decided that, besides just going in the lake, I had to pick up this piece of driftwood that was about two feet in and bring it back to her. That sounded just fine to me. Then Emil decided that I had to take a tennis ball with me and, after picking up the driftwood, hit the tennis ball back to them using the driftwood like a baseball bat. Not to be one to back down from a hilarious challenge with ultimate results, I accepted.
And that's how The Beach Caper happened. Enjoy!
P.S. You should pay attention to the brilliant commentary.
Hey everybody! Remember when I made my own Spring Break?? Well, as I promised, there was more to it than just driving and eating cheese fries. I mean, yes, those are obviously the most important things, but there were other things too! For one, there was all the local Delicious Food. I've always been a fan of Delicious Food, and I definitely see it as an adventure to try new and exotic cuisine in each place I travel to. I've eaten edamame in Atlanta, sampled sandwiches in South Dakota, and...um...jammed on jam in Jamaica! Whoa! But even with my vast travels and exploration with these delicacies, there were none as unique and tasty as what I experienced on my vacation in Glenview. You wouldn't even believe it. So here are some pictures:
You probably haven't heard of this before, but there's this thing called sushi. It's rice and seaweed (I know, CRAZY!) wrapped up with various filling. Totally weird, right? I stuck to the non-fish varieties. Great, authentic, real American food right here.
Served with a pineapple mojito. Booze is pretty delicious too!
Although I stayed away from fish with the all-American sushi, I did sample some at Grandpa's Place at a Friday night fish fry. I've got to say, you can fry almost anything and put a little lemon and malt vinegar on it, and it will basically be awesome. Even fish! Oh, and dip it in a creamy sauce (in this case, tartar). This is what we in Glenview call "beer." Not too many people in America have tried this drink, but I personally think it's worth it. This is a Blue Moon. Read more about beer here.
So there are a few culinary specialties in the city of Chicago (a small city located just fifteen or so miles southeast of Glenview). I mean, it's not like the city is known for it's food or anything, but it does okay. Emil, Mladenka, and I planned on going to Hot Doug's to sample one of these Chicago delicacies: the hot dog. But, unfortunately, the hour-long line was too long for those of us who hadn't eaten yet that day and were feeling crabby. Not to worry though! Rumor has it there will be a Hot Doug's review up on another website soon!
So instead, we went and got SANDWICHES at a lovely little place called Capt'n Nemo's. I'll be honest, this is an old favorite, and although missing out on Hot Doug's was disappointing, this was totally worth it. This is Emil's turkey club. Notice how they somehow magically fit an additional layer of bread between the two layers of filling?? NOTICE?? This is their very popular ham reuben with light sauerkraut, which was pronounced hilariously. Look at that bread! This is the Americanne. It contains ham, bologna, and turkey, along with american cheese, tomato, lettuce, mayo, and the Captain's Secret Sauce, which, incidentally, you can buy by the bottle! Yeah America!!! (As an aside, I ordered this, and as I do every time, I took one bite and then had to take out all the ham. I always think I'm going to like ham, then I try it, and I don't like it. The same thing used to happen when I'd go to Denny's and order the Moons Over My Hammy. It always looks and sounds so good on the menu! But then I'd get it and take a bite and decide the ham tasted bad and pick it out. Sorry, ham.) Split pea soup. As you walk in the door, you are greeted by a guy behind the counter handing you a small but satisfying sample of this soup. It is delicious. And so shiny! I think maybe this is another view of the Americanne.
Probably the best night of the week was spent in my parents' house eating one of my mother's amazing, impressive, delicious dinners. My sister once mentioned in her blog how my mother makes the most wonderful dinners. This one was no different. And here is where we have the aforementioned "chicken" that I'd heard so much about. It was cooked in a bag! Here's the entire spread: With all the fixings; roasted potatoes and gravy, stuffing, asparagus. The salad was in a separate bowl on the side because, duh, I don't want the salad dressing to get all mixed up in the rest.
And for dessert, some incredibly rare finds: Cookies and ice cream. You all should try them! I know, it's hard to try new things, but these were great! This is the Cinnamon Bun ice cream that Laith and Josh were raving about on my birthday. Laith kept telling me I had to eat more because I hadn't reached the "vein of cinnamon" yet. I think he also mentioned "the nerve center" of the ice cream at some point. Dudes. There were actual pieces of cinnamon buns in here. No wonder there were two pints in Laith and Josh's fridge - one for each of them! You should definitely try this. So there you have it! The delicious food of Glenview, IL. I know some of it seems real "out there," if you will, but I really encourage you to try new things. Look, you can't sit around eating nachos for the rest of your life. You have to live, man! On the edge! Be adventurous and try some chicken for once, okay?
So I'm sitting here on my last day of my twenties, my face slowly wrinkling, my eyesight going, my memory fading, slowly wasting away. My youth is no more - what will follow is a life of desolate dryness, endless sadness, and white hair. Welcome, thirties.
Wouldn't it blow if I really felt like that? What a jerk I'd be. Thankfully, I'm not a jerk. I am turning thirty tomorrow, and as much as people keep asking me how I'm doing or if I'm "feeling okay" with a concerned tilt of the head, I'm really pretty fine. I usually love my birthday, and I'm hoping that I will love tomorrow. At this point, I just want it to be a good, lovely day, and see my friends. And maybe have a delicious bloody mary at some point. Boom, birthday! BOOM!
So far, I've had a wonderful 30th birthday celebration that began about two weeks ago in Chicago. My parents threw me a beautiful party at the arabic nightclub with my entire family (sadly, minus Emil and Mladenka, who were unbelievably missed), which was incredibly well-documented by my dear sister Sara. It's so hard to choose which pictures to put up because I'm pretty much 100% in love with all of them, even the one that I'm making sorta funny half-closed eyes in. So if you want to see more, check the facebook or let me know!
The party was fantastic. Delicious food, amazing music, great company. A few hours into the night, the belly dancer was performing her second set of dancing. All of a sudden, I realized that Albert, the owner of the club and singer, was singing Happy Birthday in arabic and a lot of people were looking at me. Everything was kind of a blur after that, but I do remember my mother putting a silver glittery tiara on my head with the number 30 in a heart in the front (she knows me so well - silver and glitter!) and the belly dancer standing next to me, and somebody bringing out a giant cake with thirty candles and sparklers (lit!) in the shape of the number 30 on top. Holy eff!
Here's me with an incredibly delicious piece of the cake from the Swedish Bakery. I used to hate it when I was little because they'd put marzipan on the cake. Gross. But now that I'm THIRTY, I like the cake (I still totally wouldn't eat marzipan, but the cake itself was incredible).
Oh, this is just me with the belly dancer on the dance floor. No big deal. And Luai and Samer in the background acting like a bunch of monkeys.
The following night, Sara, my parents and I attended the Chicago Symphony Orchestra's performance of Beethoven's 5th Symphony and his 5th Piano Concerto, which is my absolute all-time favorite piece of music. What a beautiful night...
So that was a wonderful weekend. And since then, I've received some lovely little gifts along the way. Here are some of them:
Um...it's a joke between BFF Sarah and I. I swear. But I probably will read this entire book from cover to cover. I mean, Buns of Cinnamon?? Come on! That's hilarious!
This is a little vase I got from Auntie Hadar, my great aunt who doesn't hear so well. Sara says it's a Ming Vase (pronounced vaz). Fancy!
Hands down, the most hilarious card in the world, from the BFF!
Wait, here's the punchline!
A beautiful, thoughtful, rare gift from my sissy - a key from the movie Coraline, which I'm in love with and have seen twice in 3D. A handful of people who had worked on the movie got these button-keys as gifts, and somebody put two of them on ebay, and my sister snatched them up! My key hangs outside the door to the Lanai...it's sister lives in Atlanta.
Not much to say about this one, except thanks, Larry Sweeney. The man I love to hate and hate to love. Hahaha omg. I'm saying that from now on.
I got this delivered yesterday from my family! It's a flower-cake (you can't eat it, sorry) with a birthday balloon! Beautiful - it's sitting underneath a window in my living room now instead of next to all that Vitamin Water.
This is a hand-carved spoon that Kim brought me from Moscow. The real gift (I'm SO cheesy!) was spending time with her and her fantastic husband, Victor, this week. Yay for old friends!
Another unbelievably thoughtful and beautiful handmade gift from my sister. It's a (working) clock with cardinals - the bird of the 30s - and glitter and beautiful everything.
And yet another handmade from Sara: the charms are supposed to be healing. These ones are a hand and an ear, both of which would certainly use some good energy, what with my sort of busted up body and my dedication to music. This is an amazing, amazing gift.
And here's some more. Good stuff! Can you see the tiara?
And my favorite part of today, specifically: the rainbow that appeared on the ceiling for about 8 minutes and then disappeared as quickly as it came. I have no idea where it came from, what it was reflected off of. I began to look around, but thought better of it and laid on the couch staring at it instead, until it was gone.
Alright. Okay. Deep breath...okay. Wait...okay, I think I'm ready to tell you about what I did last night. One more deep breath. Are you ready? Seriously. I hope you're ready to read this blog for the next 4 hours because I just didn't know when to stop on this one. Get ready.
Finally. Finally. I finally got it together and went and saw some live wrestling. After about three years of faithful Friday Night Smackdown watching, and being a huge fan of Larry Sweeney for the last four years, it feels unbelievable and very lazy to me that I've never been to a live show. I thrive on live shit. I feel that I don't fully know a band until I see them live. And as much as I don't give an eff about sports, there's absolutely nothing like being at a live baseball game - specifically at Wrigley Field. So why hadn't I seen live wrestling until now? Maybe I just wasn't ready. Maybe I was unprepared for the greatness. Maybe I was waiting for just the right moment...
Well, that moment came last night, Saturday, January 31st, 2009, in Chicago Ridge, Illinois. Ring of Honor brought it. It, of course, being a lot of muscle, a lot of tight pants/tights, blood, sweat, tans, bad haircuts, ridiculousness, hilarity, and a strange kind of beauty that I never thought I'd find in, of all things, wrestling. I won't get in to the details of what happened in each individual match - somebody has already taken care of that here. Instead, I'll tell you about what I found lovely and hilarious. Also, I forgot my camera again, so I'm just going to places pictures of Larry sporadically throughout this blog. Dudes, it's my blog. I do what I want. Eat it.
First of all, I have to admit, I was kind of nervous. This was a totally new experience for me. Here I am, a big Bando Music Nerd, going to see live wrestling for the first time ever. I had so many questions. How early should we get there? What does one wear to this sort of event? What does one even call this? I had a lengthy discussion with BFF Sarah about how I should not call it a "performance" or "concert," and how the breaks were probably not called "orchestral intermissions," and that maybe I should not sit and applaud politely after the "performers concluded the night's entertainment." And I probably shouldn't watch through one of those monocle things. This was no orchestra concert. I had a lot to learn.
Just as an aside, here is Larry Sweeney's trading card. Just so you know what we're dealing with here.
Back to last night. I went with my brother Emil and his girlfriend Mladenka. As it turns out, Mladenka is a huge wrestling fan. She told me about how she and her cousin, when they first came to the U.S., would sit and watch wrestling and eat chips and bananas (10 a day for some reason) and not do anything else, ever. Now that's dedication. Despite her vast experience, none of us really knew what to expect; we figured we'd sit back and absorb it all and just let the crowd carry us along.
The first match started and my mouth was immediately on the ground. This shit was crazy. Grown ass men, dressed up in little outfits and greasy hair, throwing each other around like rag dolls...the intensity was enormous. As Emil said later in the night, it was as if there was nothing in the entire world that made these guys as angry as this individual match. This match meant the world to them. There was no greater anger that existed anywhere in the world than the anger between these two men. And next week, when they're fighting somebody different, that match will mean the world, and that anger will grow, and everything will just be greater and more magnificent. Fantastic.
We spent the first two lineups laughing hysterically and cheering and "OH!-ing" along with everybody. A couple of matches in though, the initial hilarity faded away and we grew quieter and watched, in awe, what I can honestly call the amazing talent and artfulness of these wrestlers. No, I'm serious. I sat back in my chair, shaking my head, as blood dripped down these men's faces and marveled in the wonder that is professional wrestling. I leaned over to Emil and Mladenka and referred to it all as an art. How could I have missed out on this for as long as I have? I now know that there is no sound in the world like the sound of a man getting hit with a metal chair. Not one.
The audience was hilarious. There had to be over 800 people in that field house. That's right, it was in a field house. These people knew all the wrestlers and loved to chant, antagonize, provoke, and throw streamers. Think The Simpsons crowd scenes. You know how they sort of turn into an angry mob in a split second and join in on whatever chant is happening at that moment, no matter what it is? Yeah, that was the field house last night. The guys behind us (at least one of whom went to high school with Emil and I, interestingly enough) were screaming for basically the entire night, taunting and cheering and making fun of the wrestlers who appeared in the movie The Wrestler(i.e. "Where's your Golden Globe?" "Can you introduce me to Marisa Tomei?" and such and such). There was this one wrestler, Claudio Castagnoli, who kept trying to talk into a microphone, and every time he opened his mouth, the whole audience would yell "Hey!" so he couldn't talk. This happened no less than 15 times. During the match, when the ref would do the usual counting, instead of yelling "One! Two!" they all yelled "Hey! Hey!" Claudio was very mad. Oh audience, you slay me. Bullies, you are. Hilarious bullies.
The main even of the night was, as we loyal wrestling fans like to call it, the CAGED COLLISION!!! Whooo!! Spring Break 2000!!! Yeah! Party. During an intermission (that's right, it was called an intermission, Sarah!), they set up the steel cage, which was basically chain link fencing all the way around the ring. Here's a visual of what Larry Sweeney might have looked like, inside this cage: Photo courtesy of Larry Sweeney
This was where Sweet n' Sour Inc. would be pitted against some other guys who I don't care about. Let's get that straight. In my mind, it was Larry and like 85 other sort of scary-looking muscle-y men. I don't care who any of the others were. Maybe I will in time, when I attend a billion more of these events, but for now, I don't.
Here's what Larry, as the manager of Sweet n' Sour Inc., might look like, dressed all classy, at Ring of Honor: Photos courtesy of Larry Sweeney
And here is a video of Larry Sweeney being classy, as usual:
Larry wasn't actually wrestling, but he definitely got involved, yelling douchebaggy comments at his own team, criticizing, mocking...it was beautiful. By the way, he was stylin' in a yellow dress shirt with a brown vest and pants and very fancy shoes. Nicely done, Larry. When his team lost, however, Larry couldn't take it. He got in the ring and started yelling at Bobby Dempsey, who had basically just stood there watching the whole giant sausage fest that was the steel cage match (seriously - ten guys jumping around an area that couldn't have been bigger than 20' by 20'. Total Sausage Fest). Larry slapped Bobby across the face, and that set off the rest of the team who, apparently, had had enough of Larry's abusive, asshole-y managerial skills. They then proceeded to help Bobby beat the shit out of Larry. Larry was thrown up against the side of the cage not once, not twice, but three or four times, all on different sides, so the entire audience could see. They were very thorough. The held him back while Bobby punched him repeatedly and threw his entire body at him. Larry got beat down, man, and we watched the whole thing, hands over mouths, wide-eyed, and honestly, pretty damn entertained. When it was all over and done, his own team left him laying in the ring, bleeding and miserable, and the match was over. Jesus christ.
Here's what he might have looked like on a different night:
Photo courtesy of Larry Sweeney
And here is a picture from the Ring of Honor website of a bloody Bobby Dempsey holding Larry Sweeney over his head at the end of the match. Photo Courtesy of Ring of Honor
After this was all over, we kind of didn't know what to do with ourselves so we drove along Harlem Ave. for awhile until we got to one of those 24-hour Family Restaurants called The View. The sign used the same font/design as the show The View. Weird. We got some food and processed the night. Since I'd forgotten my camera, here's a phone picture of what we ordered:
Yeah, it's what it looks like. I got a club sandwich, Mladenka got a chicken kebab (there were two rings of pineapple on the rice for some reason), and Emil got a belgian waffle with whipped cream and bananas. We are awesome. Also, Emil got a giant mug of hot chocolate that was served with a giant scoop of whipped cream and a straw. His incredulous comment: I've never drank hot chocolate out of a straw...and I love it!
I'd say we did it up last night. Thanks, Ring of Honor.
On a more personal note, I do have to write about this because I woke up the next morning feeling really unsettled and not really sure what to do with myself. I have to say this: there is something very, very terrible about seeing somebody you love get the shit kicked out of them, even if it isn't real. Duh. But really, as we were leaving, Mladenka was all quiet and concerned about Larry and all the blood, and I made a little bit of fun, of course. "Um, it's fake, remember? You've been watching wrestling for years! Come on!" And I later tried to explain to she and Emil that I don't think I totally believed it was Alex in there...it was Larry Sweeney, the guy I've seen on youtube and laughed at and been amazed by for all these years. It's the guy on the playing card on my refrigerator. It's Sweet n' Sour Larry Sweeney! That's why it was entertaining. That's why it was hilarious. But later on, thinking about it all and reliving parts of it in my mind, I was terrified. Seeing him laying on the floor, with blood all over the back of his head, matted in his hair, literally being carried out of the ring by two or three guys...I think it was just too much for me.
I laid awake for hours last night, and after sleeping eventually, fitfully, I woke up with my head and heart aching. I don't think I'd be able to handle this very often...I'm probably too sensitive right now...
The sleeping arrangements at my parents' house are not always set in stone. My siblings and I tend to fight over the best bed, which is in the "guest room," formerly my sister's room (this was before she moved into the basement as a teenager...coolest basement EVER! If only I had pictures available). There's something about the bed in that room...it's a cushy, fluffy queen size bed with no less than six pillows at the head. It's absolutely the first choice. The second choice is my old bedroom, which has a full size bed that's sort of comfortable, but squeaks every time you move. You could drop a Q-Tip on there and it would make noise, I swear. The third choice is the twin bed in Emil's old room, which we've since dubbed The United Nations, due to the giant Irish and Iraqi flags hanging above the bed.
Recently my mother put one of those pillow-top fluffy mattress pad things on my bed, which made it much more comfortable. It still squeaks, but it feels more like sleeping on a cloud, which is very nice. For some reason, Sara and I decided to call it "The Maxi Pad," since it kind of reminds us of one. It actually kind of is one, when you think about it...a protective covering...yeah! With The Maxi Pad set in place, we really had no choice but to name the twin bed in Emil's room "The Tampon." I mean, what could we do?
So a few months ago, my sister and I were visiting Chicago at the same time and were about to spend some time with our parents and brother, Emil. We met at a delicious Middle Eastern restaurant and were enjoying a lovely, mature dinner when Sara and I decided to fill in Emil with what we'd been discussing regarding the naming of the beds. There was some confusion along the way...
Me: Emil, we named my bed The Maxi Pad! Sara: And we named your bed The Tampon! Emil: Oh man, I totally needed one of those recently. Sara and I: ....Wait, what? Emil: I totally needed a maxi pad the other day. Sara and I: (silence) Emil: Yeah, I totally wish I'd had some maxi pads...I had the worst pimple ever...
...
Oh WAIT! Not a maxi pad! A Stridex pad! Sara and I: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pads. Is there anything not funny about pads? I don't think so.
I am so brilliant tonight. I was sitting here on the couch and all of a sudden a word popped into my head...
WHOPPERTUNITY
How bout it. I should sell it to Burger King. Although writing it up here kind of feel stupid, since one of you brilliant geniuses will now most likely steal my amazing idea, patent the word, and sell it for millions. Well, go ahead. I'm lazy.
Another great thing I thought of once was...
PASTABILITIES
That would be sold to the Olive Garden, by the way. So if you're interested, get on the ball.
This reminds me of this one time Emil was sitting at the computer in the basement of my parents' house. He was silent for about 20 minutes, obviously very focused on what he was doing. Very suddenly, he looks up at Sara and I and says "Hey guys. Tequila Mockingbird. Is that something?"
There used to be a store on Atwood Avenue called Uptown Grillz. I'm serious. Unfortunately, it recently closed. I guess the grill market in Madison just doesn't bring about enough business to warrant an entire store.
On a more positive note, the neighborhood has welcomed a new store this week: Spiritual Vibes. Again, I'm serious. That's the name of the store.
I can't believe Madison still gets stores like this. What is this, 1960?
Or 1993, eh Genia? I distinctly remember shopping at stores called Isis Rising and...I don't know...probably a place called Planet Earth. Goddess Central. I loved those places. They sold crystals and incense burners in the shapes of goddesses.
But really. It's 2008! Until about 3 months ago there was a store on Willy St. called Cosmic Object. The storefront windows contained aliens and other space paraphernalia. 2008 guys. Get with the times.
By the way, the title of this blog is inspired by my little brudder Emil who used it as his aol email address. I read it as "we are not all one" but he insists that it's "we are not alone." At aol.com.
Tara asked me tonight why I hadn't written a blog in so long. I guess what's happening is I have a billion things to write but they're all disconnected and have little to do with one another. So if you all don't mind, I'm going to go ahead and write you a list of all the things I wanted to tell you. Oh the hilarity. Get ready, bitches.
*This weekend in Chicago, my family celebrated an early Mother's Day at a fancy french restaurant called Chez Joel. It's owned by these handsome Moroccan brothers, one of whom (probably my future husband, even though he's married, waa waa) is named Sufjan. Sexy. Anyhow, the food was delicious. The giant bottle of wine was delicious. And my father was drunk. He was hilarious; right before dessert, he stated "I'm going to try to stand up now," wobbled towards the bathroom, and waved his fingers at the waiter who stood aside to let him by. I can only imagine what he may have said to him. Plus, earlier in the evening, he was trying to think of the word for Metrosexual and could only come up with "Sexopolitan." That's right. Sexopolitan.
*I ask my grandfather in Arabic how he's doing, and he responds, in Arabic "better than you." In English, I ask him why, to which he replies "because the sky is high." In English. He then laughs like Dr. Hibbert.
*This morning as I'm driving to the west side, I stop at the red light at Mineral Point and Grand Canyon Drive. A man rides by on a bicycle. He looks like a pretty regular bike rider...one pant leg tucked into his sock, helmet on his head. Oh, except he's about 80 years old and has a long beard that looks like this, and he's smoking a pipe. A pipe, guys! On a bike! Stupendous.
*I go to the Car Care Clinic to get an oil change and some other work done. As I wait, I read People Magazine, duh. I have gossip to catch up on. As I read the diet secrets of today's hottest celebs, something catches my eye. This:
Oh my effing god. Romaine lettuce. Juice made from romaine lettuce? Are you for real? Don't get me wrong...I love and want the Jack Lalanne Juicer as much as the next guy, but romaine lettuce? Can you even imagine what that would taste like? Lettuce juice? Ugh. Barf city.
*We found a new family song. I believe it's called "Rock and Roll Part 2" and it was written by Gary Glitter. We decided that if, at any time, any member of the family starts singing the chorus (it goes like "danana NANANANANA!" you know what I'm talking about), everybody else has to stop what they're doing and respond with "HEY!" It's required from now on. Rules is rules, my friends. That's just how it goes. Fortunately, the rules were followed at our Easter dinner. In addition, Emil managed to recreate the guitar solo using only his mouth and his air guitar skills, and Sara managed to record the whole thing. You've got to see this.
*Emil dressed up like a foreign exchange student, but not on purpose. *Luai made himself one tiny egg-shaped boob. *And Sara finally earned her very first Certificate of Participation in Mario Party 6. Well done, everybody. Well done.
so most members of my family attended my cousin dan's wedding in dc right before new years. i missed it because of snow. waa waa. anyhow, there was this professional photographer there who took a bunch of really beautiful pictures and then emailed the album out to all the guests. that's pretty great, right? well, here's the catch. across the bottom of each print, in big white letters, is the word "proof" so that you cannot just have the pictures. in order to get prints without the word "proof" on them, you have to purchase them. with money. that is the catch, my friends. what a genius.
so. my brother emil has one of these pictures up as his profile picture on facebook right now, and honestly, it is a beautiful, professional, wonderful picture of him and his girlfriend mladenka sipping wine and having a laugh. with the word "proof" emblazened across the bottom of the picture. emblazened? is that a real word? anyhow, here is the picture:
i can't stop looking at it...not because its such a great picture, but because i have suddenly turned into a crazy talented ad wizard, apparently. i mean, it looks like a wine ad, or some kind of magazine ad, right? so here are some of the captions i have come up with so far for this picture:
"Proof...that love exists."
"Proof...that humor keeps a relationship alive."
"Proof...that wine is the way to a woman's heart."
that's all i can think of for now. so anyhow, if i am unreachable for the next few days, it's probably because i'll be having so many meetings with people who want me to run their ad campaigns.
i mean, really. not just anybody can write this genius material. it takes a lot of talent, and a lot of class, and occasionally some liquor.
one time we got chinese food and we all read our fortunes out loud, and emil was last, and he read his to himself, and his face kind of crumpled a bit, as if he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and with a confused, somewhat devastated tone in his voice, he read his fortune out loud:
Piano teacher who thinks she's hilarious and probably is. Loves to talk about food and music and Wisconsin and her wonderfully foreign family and the awesome things that happen while teaching kids.
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