Surviving the Wisconnie Winters

Oh, Wisconnie. You and your winters. You really don't give us a break, do you? Here we are, today, the first day of winter, and already we've been through several snowstorms and winter storm warnings. 10 plus inches of snow on Friday, another snow day a week and a half before, and plenty in between. Seriously, Wisconnie, give it a rest.

Although I complain a lot about it all, and sometimes feel a little crazy and like I've lost part of my mind, I do take comfort in the fact that, at least, I've learned how to deal with it. Yesterday we got another 4 or so inches of snow, and today the temperature is -5 degrees. Not the windchill; that's somewhere between -25 and -30. This is the actual temperature, in fahrenheit. I think that would be something like -20 centigrade. I knew at some point that I'd have to go dig my car out and maybe shovel the sidewalk in order to be a good neighbor. So, I thought I'd give you all a little "How To" on staying warm and looking glamorous, all whilst doing something productive.

As a precursor to these pictures, I must state that I am officially throwing any ounce of vanity I ever had out the window. Instead of being horrified about posting pictures of myself in long underwears all over the internet, I'm having a little giggle about it and thinking more so of the comedic value. This is my Christmas gift to all of you. Enjoy:

How to Survive a Wisconsin Winter
1.) Tie your hair back in a ponytail. You won't have time for any nonsense once you're out in the tundra.


2.) Wear an undershirt. Yes, plain white works well, but I prefer the more festive magenta with polka dots.


3.) Put on your first layer of socks. These ones in particular are black wool with light blue snowflakes all over them. Highly recommended.


4.) Put on your second layer of socks. Those would be my brother Emil's old soccer socks. They come out about three times a year, especially for this occasion. These are great because they fit over the first giant pair of socks, and they go up to your knees.


Also, they're obviously very sexy, especially layered over the green long underwears. Uh oh! Things are starting to look a bit lumpy! Like I said earlier, totally glamorous.


5.) Put on your top long underwears. This is probably the point of me throwing the ole vanity out the window. An entire suit of long underwears. Ugh...


6.) Apply arm warmers, to keep your wrists warm. These are valuable wrists I've got here, folks. Gotta keep them warm.


7.) Add an additional top and bottom layer. Those are regular blue jeans on the bottom, found at many clothing stores. Let me know if you have trouble finding them. On top is another long underwear shirt, this one slightly cuter. I may have lost some of my dignity with this blog, but I still want to wear a cute shirt once in awhile.


8.) Put on a scarf and a hat. My suggestion for these is that there be no holes in the scarf or hat. Yes, it may be a little dorky to wear a Nightmare Before Xmas hat, but it's warm. Suck it up. Make sure the scarf covers your ears and entire neck in the back. Go around your neck twice with it, then tie in a tight knot in front. This specific application helps to make sure you drool all over the inside of your scarf whilst outside...classy, as always!


9.) Next, you'll want to put on your boots. Not the cute boots you bought from the big Boot Sale the other day - these are the waterproof, sort of ugly, practical boots you keep in the back of your closet. Put these on. Struggle to get them to zip up over your numerous socks. Pants get tucked in.


10.) Look for every glove you own. Use the stretchy cheap kinds as the first layer, and the big bulky kind as the second layer. Try and make it so your fingers can still move, sort of. Also try not to get something fluffy on your tongue like I did today, because you'll have to take all those gloves off, and that's a pain in the ass, frankly.


11.) Put on your winter coat over all of this. Take off your damn gloves to zip it up, all the way past your chin. If you have a hood, put it up. Then, put another scarf around it all. You'll look great.


12.) One last finishing touch...sunglasses! These are for either if it's sunny, or if your eyes need protection from the wind. Try and have them be giant and match part of your outfit.


13.) When you come back inside, take off everything you're wearing and put it in a big pile on the floor. Eat a lot of chocolate covered pretzels in your regular underwears, not your long underwears. You've had enough of those...

Fakin' It For Dinner

So...I've been cooking. I've never been one to get excited about cooking. Maybe I'd get excited about making an incredible sandwich, each ingredient carefully layered in a very specific order. Or maybe if somebody else wanted to cook a bunch of stuff and have me "critique" their cooking, I'd get excited. But really, the idea of coming home from work at 9 pm and cooking something delicious has always seemed a bit out of reach for me. It's probably because I never really tried very hard before. Whoops a daisy.

And so, this year, I've started trying. Yay Reem! Good show, old man. Seriously though, although it's been a sucko year, it's also been a year of a lot of change, what with my Saturn returning and all...So I've embraced it, and I'm trying new things. I know that to most, cooking isn't a "new thing," but for me, it sort of is. I've been way better at cooking vegetables and making things up as of late, although I still have not, and most likely will not, cook meat. Grody. And so I must say, through hours of hard work, researching recipes on the internet, chopping, slicing, dicing, sauteing, and sampling, my cooking has a reached a point of absolute mediocrity. That's right - from non-existent to mediocre. Not bad.

In my quest to cook more, I've also been attempting to be healthier. Some days it works. Other days, I mostly eat bacon and potato chips. Waa waa. Tonight I was inspired to combine the "trying new things" with the "healthy" and cook up a big, delicious dinner. The funny thing is that it wasn't necessarily the healthiest thing in the world, rather, it was all "fake" versions of other things. A few months ago, I wrote about the fake versions of things, like Not Dogs and BologNo and Gimme Lean. In fact, Valerie made a brilliant comment with a list of like fifteen more - fantastic (you should absolutely check that blog and look at the comments section to see what she wrote)! Tonight was kind of like that...here is the menu:

"Macaroni and Cheese"
"Mashed Potatoes"
"Fried Chicken"
"Garlic Bread"

Why all the quotes, you ask? Well, those names are all sort of lies. For example, in the "Macaroni and Cheese," instead of using pasta, I used spaghetti squash. Spaghetti squash is like spaghetti, right? And pasta is spaghetti, and pasta is what goes in macaroni and cheese, so why the eff not? A perfect substitute. I baked the squash for an hour and then added it to the extra gourmet cheese sauce I'd made with Smart Balance and fat free American cheese. Yes, gourmet. Sexy. I know it looks kind of gross in the pictures, but it was really pretty good!







You might be wondering what could be fake about "Mashed Potatoes." Well, my friends, they were definitely mashed, but it wasn't all potatoes. Get ready to be gassy, because these "Mashed Potatoes" are actually mashed potatoes and...cauliflower! That's right, cauliflower. It's actually really delicious, and the same color as potatoes, so you could probably fool people pretty easily. You boil them up together (I did it in a vegetable stock for extra flava), and throw in some light cream cheese, margarine, a splash of milk, and salt n pepa. PLUS - I made it in the Magic Bullet! Everybody wins!



"Fried Chicken." Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush here. It was obviously a Morningstar Farms chik patty. That is all.

And as for the "Garlic Bread," I guess it wasn't really all that fake.I just didn't have any "good, crusty" bread as the online recipe suggested. Yeah...I only had frozen whole wheat loaf bread. Um...it was kind of okay. Sort of gross. But, the brilliant and innovative cook in me decided to make roasted garlic. I made three heads, just with some olive oil, salt, and thyme. After that was done, I mixed in some margarine and made a nice spread for the sort of stale bread. It wasn't all that bad, I guess...I probably would not offer it to guests, but still. It filled the void.




The final product (no picture of the delicious vodka drink that went along with dinner - all real ingredients there!):



Now that all that delicious food has been consumed and enjoyed, it's time to get creative. I need new fake names for these scrumptious concoctions! I'm blanking at the moment (I must be exhausted from all that cooking), so I'll need your help. We need names that sound like the real name, but have "no" or "not" or something involved somehow. Am I being clear? Like for Nachos, you could switch it to "Not-chos." Get it? Easy as pie.

Here is what I have so far:

Macaroni and Cheese:
Macaro-No, Please
Macaro-No, by Meez!

Mashed Potatoes:
Slashed Pota-Nos
Bashed Pota-Nos
Mashed Mamatoes

Fried Chicken:
Fried Chalken (this makes me want to vomit)
Pride Chicken
Morningstar Fams Chik Patty

Garlic Bread:
I got nothing.

As you can see, I need a lot of help here. I'm looking especially to Miss Sherin, who was so helpful with the whole Surf n Turf debacle. My creativity can only go so far...I am definitely not a viking at making up new clever names for things. Help a girl out!

In The Face!

Okay, so thanks to Daniella, I have yet another time waster. You know how you can make your own "avatar" or whatever? Well, I've never given an eff about it before, but for some reason I tried this one. I think I was avoiding writing some stupid work emails. So yeah. Here you go...

This is me, duh. Check the cleave!

This is Genia! In her red Sarah Palin blazer.

And yes, this is my father. With a sort of mad face.

I tried to make one of my sister, but she just ended up looking like me. Sara, you want to try? And I couldn't get my mom's hair right. And my brother just looked like every Eastern European guy you've ever seen, for some reason...I may try these again though. You should try!

I just tried to make Weird Al, but it didn't work very well.

ADDENDUM
Tara made herself - apparently they have no nose ring?


And here is my sister, Sara, who made a much more valiant effort than I.


Here is cousin Luai, complete with a thumbs up! Genius...

proof

so most members of my family attended my cousin dan's wedding in dc right before new years. i missed it because of snow. waa waa. anyhow, there was this professional photographer there who took a bunch of really beautiful pictures and then emailed the album out to all the guests. that's pretty great, right? well, here's the catch. across the bottom of each print, in big white letters, is the word "proof" so that you cannot just have the pictures. in order to get prints without the word "proof" on them, you have to purchase them. with money. that is the catch, my friends. what a genius.


so. my brother emil has one of these pictures up as his profile picture on facebook right now, and honestly, it is a beautiful, professional, wonderful picture of him and his girlfriend mladenka sipping wine and having a laugh. with the word "proof" emblazened across the bottom of the picture. emblazened? is that a real word? anyhow, here is the picture:












i can't stop looking at it...not because its such a great picture, but because i have suddenly turned into a crazy talented ad wizard, apparently. i mean, it looks like a wine ad, or some kind of magazine ad, right? so here are some of the captions i have come up with so far for this picture:

"Proof...that love exists."

"Proof...that humor keeps a relationship alive."

"Proof...that wine is the way to a woman's heart."

that's all i can think of for now. so anyhow, if i am unreachable for the next few days, it's probably because i'll be having so many meetings with people who want me to run their ad campaigns.

i mean, really. not just anybody can write this genius material. it takes a lot of talent, and a lot of class, and occasionally some liquor.