Friday, October 30, 2009

Inappropriate Facebook Statuses

A little over three months ago, I wrote my sister an email. It looked like this:

So I've been thinking about this for about a year - I want to do a blog entry that's all just "inappropriate facebook status updates." They don't have to be over the top, but the reaction of the reader who's only distantly or not-so-familiarly connected to me would be like "ugh...TMI, but just a little." Something like that, you know? Not offensive, not disgusting, just like "man, why did you have to write that?! Now I feel all funny and am going to think of this when I see you at work."

I think I want to start on ongoing list and post it when it gets significantly awesome. Wanna start it up with me? I unfortunately usually base mine around poo, which I'll hold off on a bit for your sake. But I was inspired to do this one tonight:

Reem wants to try on a bunch of dresses tonight, but is too lazy to put on a bra.

Lemme know if you got any.

And so, it began. Since that day, July 28th, 2009, my sister and I have been compiling a list of inappropriate facebook statuses. Some time later, Ela joined in, and we made this list. There seem to be some common themes, mostly having to do with bodily functions. Also, we've used a list of names from around the world, and mostly, from around Sara's head. Enjoy!

Of the Boogers and Noses Persuasion

Laith's nose is unbelievably full of boogers. Fuller than it's ever been!

Shaquille's boogers resemble ectoplasm

Tyler just sneezed and peed a little

Sierra just found a booger in her mouth!

Dakota just blew her nose and a bunch of blood came out.

Poo, Pee, and Farts

Kermit just can't stop pooping this morning

Oscar is confused. He ate corn TWO nights ago, so why is it in his poop this morning??

Anastasia ate a bucket of beets last night and is still peeing purple.

Lois has pooped in all sorts of public places today!

Jebediah accidentally farted in his coworker's chair!

Jeremiah ate a ton of that leftover meat from Juliana's and now has gas like he's never before experienced...YOW!

Coach's farts smell like kabobs

That One Area in General - You Know the One I'm Talking About!

Beverly popped a ginormus butt zit!

Ramona just ran out of tampons

Beezus pulled a groin muscle!

Tallulah just had her colon cleansed and a worm shot out the tube and gave her the finger!

Henry has an appointment with the butt doctor!

Megdi just had his annual prostate exam!!

For Some Reason...Armpits

Roberta nicked her armpit while shaving and DAMN does the deodorant sting!

Alan just found deodorant crusties in his pits

Showering and Bathing: a Retrospective

Jezebel is amazed that her hair looks amazing even though she has not bathed in 5 days.

Hercules thinks that after going four days without one, it's time to take a shower. the hair is not looking so good.

Jerkules should have probably taken a shower prior to her bikini wax appointment


Consuela can't identify where the cat pee smell is comign from - but its definitly IN the house

Esme is going to pick up her refill of anti-depressents!

Jemima wants to try on a bunch of dresses tonight, but is too lazy to put on a bra.

Luai doesn't know HOW he passed that drug test!

Hazel just noticed she lost her necklace ... and then found it ... in her bosoms

I mean, seriously everybody. Do you want your coworkers knowing all this about you? Discretion is a beautiful thing. I suggest you use it.

Happy (Sexy) Halloween!

Oh yikes! Did you all know that it's Halloween? Whoops a daisy! The days pass very quickly as of late, and I sort of lost track of time. Also, I'm here in Madison for Halloween this year, which is not the norm for me. I'm usually partying with my sister down in Atlanta, as I've done for the past eight or so years. But this year I visited her for her birthday instead, so here I am in Madison without a clue as to what to do with myself! Although I did a bit of research last year around this time, it's all still pretty confusing; I've spent much of the last two days wandering around in a daze, asking people "what do you do here? What's happening? Where do I go? What do I wear?" Seriously, I'm confused. Do you wear the same costume on both nights? I don't understand.

In hopes of some last-minute resolve, I visited a couple of Halloween stores today: Mallatt's Pharmacy on Monroe Street, a classy, well-stocked family business, and Halloween Express, a total shit-hole out by the mall. Ugh, seriously, I started to feel all filthy in there. Like, literally filthy, as in dirty. You touch one thing in there and your hands smell like old latex for days. Anyhow, I found out a little bit about what people here in Madison do on Halloween, and what sorts of costumes one might wear. I've divided them up so you'll be able to understand better. God, I'm so helpful...Sorry in advance for many of the blurry pictures. It's really hard to take good pictures when everything is in a plastic bag and employees are giving you dirty looks...

Sometimes, people in Madison like to wear creepy wigs. Mallatt's has this line of wigs completely surrounding the inside of the building. It's pretty excessive, and they all have funny names like "Ringlet," "Peggy Sue," and "Romance Wig." Click here for what is probably the most hilarious and most comprehensive list of wigs ever! Make sure to check out the "Older Men Wigs" while you're there.
That black and white one is called "Shaggy Punk Style," I believe.
I couldn't believe how accurate this one was. It looks just like Sarah Palin! Well...Busted Up Sarah Palin. OH!!! Boom.

And special thanks to Genia for being my wig model. This is a Geisha Wig:
And a Giant Pompadour Wig:
Lookin' good, Genia!

Sometimes costumes in Madison come with an agenda. Oh Madison, you're always recycling! And in a positive way!

And sometimes costumes in Madison are just confusing. Who even thought of this?!

One thing that I noticed was that there were similar costumes for adults and children. The names of these costumes, however, are changed to make it appropriate, I guess. For example, here is Devil on Fire:
But here is Fancy Red Devil! See, everybody is happy!
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Sexy Angel:
And for the kids, Deluxe Angel:
It's a really nice reminder that someday, every person can grow up to be a sexy something or other. If they truly believe.

Okay, speaking of Sexy Somethings, is anybody else totally grossed out by like 90% of women's costumes out there? It's Sexy Everything! I mean, I'm familiar with the whole Sexy Nurse, Sexy Cat, and Sexy Santa ideas; I've despised them for years. But really, I think things are getting ridiculous. I found myself very confused and grossed out, mostly at Halloween Express, at some of these costumes:

Sexy...Detective! And yes, the company name is Leg Avenue. Ugh...
Sexy Ghostbuster! And thank the universe for Genia, who, after seeing this costume, proclaimed "more like vagina buster." YOW!
Oh good, at least this one is spooky. A Sexy Mummy. Really.
You know, Sugar and Spice. We'll take baking and cooking supplies, and sexify them up. Sexy Food! With outfits that have absolutely nothing to do with said food! Perfect.
Sexy Corpse Bride. Man, this is just stupid.

To be honest, I started to get a little paranoid at this point. You see, my brilliant idea for a costume this year was a sort of tongue-in-cheek version of one of these. I decided to be a Sexy something that is totally not sexy, and is extremely far-fetched, thusly being hilarious and poking a little fun at the whole Sexy Something costume. What did I decide on, you ask? Sexy Hobo, my friends. I'm going to be a Sexy Hobo for Halloween. I thought it was pretty hilarious and brilliant...don't you? Well, at this store, I actually started to doubt myself. If a detective can be sexy, or a ghostbuster, or an effing mummy, then I don't think hobo can be far behind! I bet that within two years, there will be a Sexy Hobo in existence. Ugh, so bogus.

One good thing I saw at the store, and probably my saving grace, was this costume: Private Dancer. I guess it was technically a "Sexy" costume, but I mean, come on. Tina can't not be sexy.
Happy Hallowiener, dudes. Tell me what you're going to be! And if it's Sexy Something, then, um, we should probably talk. Because I totally just made fun of you throughout this entire blog. Whoops a daisy!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Toto + Mannheim Steamroller = A Perfect Match?

You know the song "Rosanna" by Toto? I was telling Gwen today that it's one of only two songs that I will for sure 100% always listen to if it comes on. Whether it's on a cd, my iPod, or the Lite FM station, if it comes on, I know I will never ever skip it. Even with my favorite bands like Guns n' Roses or Devotchka, or, believe it or not, the song "Don't Stop Believing," I can't be sure I'll be in the mood to listen. Seriously, sometimes I'm not in the mood for GNR. I know, I can't believe it either. But "Rosanna," I'm in the mood for that every time!

Have you ever noticed, though, that the big instrumental solo in "Rosanna" sounds really similar to something that maybe Mannheim Steamroller might do? Hmm...sort of gross...

Check out the solo at about 2:50.

And here is the Mannheim Steamroller. I'm not going to give you a time - just watch the whole video. You know, get the whole story.

They're like the same song! Yeah, I just wanted to point that out.

Oh, and what's the other song I'll always listen to, you ask? "Africa." Also by Toto. Whoops a daisy!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Simply Fabulous!

No, it's not a Sex and the City reference, thank god. But it is good news, dudes. It's slowly but surely happening. I'm getting famous...

Well...okay, I'm totally not getting famous. But! Even though I didn't write anything for a zillion years, the one and only John Statz, Madison music scene staple and folk singer to the max, has presented me and my blog with the amazing Simply Fabulous Award! Although I probably won't bother to research this myself since I know most of my assumptions are just unconditionally correct, I'm pretty sure there's a very prestigious committee that meets somewhere in Europe once a year to vote on possible recipients of this award, and John is just the lucky person who gave me the message. Yow! Many thanks to John who has a fantastic blog detailing his stories while on tour. This man goes everywhere! He's an amazing musician and a lovely person, and I'm honored that he thought of me. Also, he wears a wrestling mask in his bloggo picture. Totally Sexy. Thank you, John!

So, one of the conditions of this award is that I re-award five blogs of my own choosing. I guess I'm officially on the committee now or something, which is great, because I'm sure I'll have to attend a lot of those meetings in Europe. The second condition is that I write about five of my obsessions. That's a dangerous condition for somebody who leans slightly towards the OCD behaviors, so I'll instead lean away from those real obsessions and just talk about awesome things. Narrowing it down to five is ridiculously hard, so I'll just do the first five I think of. Here you go:

1. Infomercials. I first started watching infomercials when I was having trouble sleeping during grad school. I don't have cable and am limited to about ten channels at the most. Many of them show infomercials. And I do not mind. My favorites include The Magic Bullet (amazing blender/food processer/purée-er), The Jack Lalanne Juicer (self-explanatory), The GTXpress (this makes all your food in the shape of a pocket), Hip Hop Abs (Shawn T's Three T's! Tilt, Tuck, and Tighten!), and Chef Tony's Miracle Blades (knives). I own the Magic Bullet, the juicer, and a Sunggie. But I should say that they've all been gifts. So instead of being a sucker, I can just consider myself "a fan." Those infomercials are brilliant and hilarious and I love them.

2. Pictures of Food. Um...yeah. Have you all heard of Delicious Food? And This is Why You're Fat? And Insanewiches? And Everybody Likes Sandwiches? And PICTURES OF FOOD? Stupendous.

3. Tights and earrings, every color of the rainbow. I have tried getting rid of things, spring cleaning, whatever, and every time, I get rid of no more than one pair of earrings and maybe two pair of tights. Only because they have holes or have lost their elastic since I started wearing them in high school. So I have a lot. As you can see:

4. People. I love people. I believe in the inherent good of people. I love traveling to see people. I've recently realized that all I want to do is save up all my money and travel around the country and the world to see all the people I love and meet all the people I will love. I love talking to people. I love learning from people, way more than I like learning from classes or books. I am fascinated with how people think and feel, and the way their brains work, and I think endlessly about people and how they see the world and live their lives and what that must feel like. And I revel in the realization that I'll never know, and I love that. I love the mystery of everybody.

5. Fall. Especially in Wisconnie. I think John said it quite well in his last entry, and I'll try and live up to that...I have fallen in love with this beautiful state, especially in the last few weeks. The cool/cold weather makes the air so fresh; I actually enjoy breathing more than usual. All of a sudden I want to cook and bake and listen to folk music all day, and I love every minute of it. In my car, I take the long way home and drive slowly, away from the main roads. I switch from iced lattes to hot coffee drinks. I wear hats and scarves and find myself saying "I like daytime activities" and happily staying home on Friday and Saturday nights. I want to take walks and not speak, not listen to music, just walk and see and hear the world. Fall in Wisconnie - you should totally join me here sometime.

And now, to re-award! I love blogging and I love reading other blogs, and I'll admit, I'm probably extremely biased here. But I believe these are some of the finest blogs out there in the bloggy blogosphere. Very difficult to narrow it down to five, but here are some I love that post pretty regularly. Check it!

1. Ashes and Glass. Well, duh, of course the first one is my sister's blog! Sara's writing, pictures, artwork, and activism fill her blog and fill my heart (yes, I wrote that and I meant it. Bite me). She's a magical, wonderful, and beautiful sister and person, and her blog is just a tiny piece of somebody I'm elated and overjoyed to have in my life and call family.

2. Fifty Acorns Tied in a Sack. My girl Tara; my first friend in Madison and one of my best friends ever in life. With every post, she inspires me to create, imagine, live beautifully, and love endlessly. Damn, I love this woman.

3. Grin and Beer It. You read it right! Oh, no big deal, just my BFF Sarah's blog about beer. I'm always impressed with Sarah's ever-expanding knowledge of beer and her desire to learn more. Plus, she posts great pictures of the beer and the food she eats with it, and uses words like "heady" and "mouthfeel." Sexy.

4. Easel Ain't Easy. Oh Breena. Where do I ever start with Breena? I think we're secretly the same person. Ridiculously talented, both artistically and musically, and undoubtedly one of the kindest and most loving people I know, Breena simply rules. She recently moved out to Portland to work on her graphic novel (can you say BADASS?) and has a fantastic site with her blog, her comic, her music, and many other wonderful things. I admire Breena so much and wish every day we could hang out more. Her comics are posted near daily, so if you subscribe, you get a lovely little surprise drawing in your inbox all the time! Fantastic.

5. In The Pudding Club. Okay. This is my friend Lauren from high school. Although we weren't all that tight in high school, I've since become sort of obsessed with her (as well as her sister Claire who, incidentally, dated Little Brudder a long, long time ago! Although I guess I've been obsessed with her since like ten years ago) and cannot stop reading this blog of hers. Lauren has a baby, and as you probably know, I'm no expert on the babies. But I can say that this is the most honest and beautifully written, not to mention hilarious, baby-related blog I've ever seen. Read this is you want to be all full of love and maybe have a kid some day.

So that's that! To you five winners, let's hear your top fives! And to the rest of you lovelies, thanks for reading and writing, and a big ole thanks to John for the award! I expect I'll be doing a lot of traveling to these committee meetings and making speeches to teenagers and stuff like that, now that I've obtained this award, so if I'm not around for awhile, you'll understand why. xo!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Ghostland Observatory and Southern Comfort...? It Somehow Made Sense Tonight

I remember where I drank the Southern Comfort, but I don't remember where I was when I barfed it back up. It was junior year in college, the year everything was hilarious. A few of us, I'm sure Sarah included, were over at Debbie and Jennifer's apartment, and for some reason we were drinking Southern Comfort. That's where it started. Where it finished, I don't know, but I'll assume a toilet in a dorm somewhere in Beloit, Wisconsin. Classy times.

I have had a few tastes of Southern Comfort since then, but it's never really sat well with me; not in my stomach, and not in my mouth. I don't like the taste, even when masked by lime or sweet tea or coke or a bitters in a Manhattan. I just don't like it. What I do like, however, is everything else about the company. Southern Comfort (minus the taste of their product) rules!!!

No, this isn't my new corporate sponsor...I'm not that famous! Yet... Really though, I'm just being honest. Southern Comfort has the most ridiculous, generous promotions ever. I've been to three concerts put on by them in the past few years, and they do it up. The first year they brought The Flaming Lips to Willow Island in Madison, and the second year (last summer) they did a festival with The Black Keys, GZA, and The Roots. Both events were free and included plenty of free beads and posters and other "swag," as those in the industry might say. So, needless to say, I got excited when I saw there was another Southern Comfort show coming up; especially since one of my favorite bands, Ghostland Observatory, would be playing.

Contrary to my previous SoCo-related experience and knowledge, this was not a free show with beads. This was much, much more, my friends. Not only was the show free, but each person was handed two free drink tickets as they entered the venue. There was a little table where a girl was handing out shots of Southern Comfort (also free), plenty of posters and cds being handed out, also for free, and, of course, beads. Oh, and then! Then...I saw in the distance a table piled high with...SANDWICHES. No, I'm serious! They had four varieties of sandwiches sitting on a table for all the world to eat. And these were no weak, crappy sandwiches, man; these were made on a beautiful, thick, multigrain bread with fresh tomato and lettuce atop deli turkey, roast beef, or ham - plus a veggie option. And you could have as many as you wanted! Finally, somebody got it right. Why can't there be sandwiches at every show? Thank you, Southern Comfort.

Almost as important as the sandwiches was the music. DJ Lord, previously of Public Enemy, opened the night with a crazy-energetic two hour long set. He played a ton of old school hip hop which was fantastically threaded together. It seemed effortless to him. At some point, he changed the mood of the music by playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit," "Sweet Child of Mine," "Enter Sandman," "Girls" by the Beastie Boys, and a couple of others along those lines. Genia commented on how he must have been playing to all the white people in the audience. Hahaha! Oh Genia, you slay me.

Taken from me blackberry...

DJ Lord finished his set with an insane few moments of "It Takes Two." His moves were like the effing 1991 Chicago Bulls; smooth, sophisticated, sharp, and occasionally, behind the back. He was like a well-oiled-one-man-machine. Or something. That's just what it said in my head...I don't know. Whatever, DJ Lord did it up.

When Ghostland Observatory came on stage, the room filled with multi-colored lasers and bass that I felt in my heart. Physically. I will absolutely not do Ghostland justice by trying to describe what happened. Seriously, I'm not even going to try. I can say that both Mike and I agreed that we were happy to be sober. I felt that way because I knew it was purely the music that was leaving me speechless and practically breathless. And dudes. They covered Prince. They did "Nothing Compares 2 U," which was unbelievably beautiful. That was followed by a quick, staccato "Erotic City" - fantastic. The last one they did was "Darling Nikki," which was thrilling to me at first, but later made me feel incredibly uneasy. I mentioned to Genia that it was sort of scary, to which she agreed. Nevertheless, when music has that much of an affect on you, whether positive, negative, or, well...scary, that's some powerful stuff there.

Note: I did not take any of these pictures. Good job, everybody else.

It's no easy feat to bring together and thoroughly entertain the diverse population of Madison: frat boys, hipster hairdressers, stoners, rainbow hulahoopers, and piano teachers wearing mom clothes because they just got off work and didn't have time to go home. But Ghostland did it. We all danced hard under those lasers, transfixed on one of the most brilliant frontmen I've ever seen. This man is Perry Ferrell rolled up in Prince and Freddie Mercury with a side of Dio. Plus about a zillion other geniuses. And, on top of it all, he's the sexiest dancer you'll ever see. Shakira wishes she could move her hips like this. His gyrations, marches, prances, and leaps made him look like a genius ballet dancer who was rejected from Julliard by professors who just didn't realize he was ahead of his time. Sucks to you, Julliard, now he's in the Ghostland Observatory. And he's taking over bits of the world, one at a time.

Huge, gigantic thank you to Christopher who introduced me to this band a little while back. (Holy eff, I just got a reminder from one Mr. Kaleb about how he included a Ghostland track on a mix cd years ago! Thanks, Kaleb, and my sincerest apologies for not knowing what's cool. Damn.) And also, I guess, thanks to Southern Comfort. Even though your booze tastes like ass a little bit, I really do appreciate your marketing efforts. Like, really a ton. I'll continue coming to your shows to receive free stuff and watch brilliant music, as long as you keep providing me with these opportunities. That's fair, right?

Oh dudes, one more thing. The other guy in the band wears a cape. He sort of flips it back behind him when he sits down at the drumset. Dreamy, huh?

Now, go ahead and watch some of this. And we'll talk soon, and I'll have nothing to say because I'm still in awe. Go ahead.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

We Even Pooped Together

When you're between the ages of 18 and 22 and you're living away from home and your family and parents for the first time ever, and you get to make important life decisions on your own, and set up your room just the way you want it, and get to find and explore your passions in life, you sort of have it made. You can stay up all night, eat whatever you want, pick your own classes, rule your own life, and, seemingly, things couldn't get any better. And then you meet the people. The people, man. It just got better.

Once upon a time, in a small town in Wisconsin, all these weird kids met each other and the world changed. I don't know why we all decided to meet there; I know I, for one, heard my high school friend/prom date's friend Kate talk about Beloit College at some point, and I thought, "Yeah, that sounds fine. Maybe I'll go there." I filled out some forms and wrote an essay, auditioned for a music scholarship, applied for another scholarship, got them both, and off I went to Beloit College. And it was there that I met the most remarkable, most amazing, most interesting people ever in the world.

They came from the East Coast, West Coast, New England, Hawaii, Michigan, the Midwest itself, and "just outside Chicago," among other places. They met by smiling at each other, introducing themselves to strangers, and inviting each other to sit together at dinner. And somehow, probably because of some clash of something magical in the universe, they all clicked. I won't speak for the rest of you, but I know that at that point, my life changed.

I'm sure there are articles and essays written about the importance of bonding with friends and peers at certain ages in order to develop social and interpersonal skills, but whatevs, I haven't read any of them. I can imagine hypotheses written about brains aged 18 - 22 years old and why they are often so susceptible, so impressionable, Is there some sort of hormone that gets released when you enter college that makes you unconditionally love and understand everybody who crosses your path? Or was it just a wonderful phenomenon that only happens in the magical land of Beloit?

Or...maybe it's that we live together, sometimes sharing beds just a few inches apart, and thusly have to connect because we have no choice. Or maybe it's because we spend every waking (and sometimes, sleeping) moment with each other, whether it's brushing our teeth together, showering in stalls next to each other, walking to class together, eating together, drinking together, playing music together, staying up late together, or laying with heads on shoulders, not talking together. I mean, that's got to be it, right? To quote one Andy Brink (RA extraordinaire of the famous 819 sophomore year, 1998 - 1999), "We even pooped together!" Yeah, I'd say that's it.

We all faced an inevitably beautiful vulnerability of being on our own, totally alone, with nothing familiar in our lives, and we came out of it all with connections unlike anything we had experienced before. We had little choice but to open up and allow each other in if we wanted to survive. And thankfully, it all resulted in love.

I'm not totally sure what the focus of this is, or the point, or whether I'm clearly explaining exactly what I'm trying to say, and I know I'm all over the place. But I can say (in a focused, clear way) that I couldn't have had a better group of friends to do everything together with. We clicked like nothing had ever clicked before. I should hesitate to even use the word "clicked." More fitting: exploded, combusted, detonated. All violent and negative words, unfortunately, but all having to do with fire for some reason. So...whatever a positive fiery word might be...that's what my friends and I are like. Positive and fiery. That's us.