Oh lord, it's been awhile. And don't get excited or anything, dudes, because this is not a new blog entry. It's actually an old blog entry. In my somewhat paranoid internet searchings tonight (which were based on my thoughts of privacy and finding/deleting everything about me on the internet - I go through these thoughts every so often), I came across/remembered my MySpace blog! It's funny, because although this (this is how I will get famous) blog has only been around since December of 2007, I had a MySpace blog before that (December of 2005 sporadically through January 2008), and before that, a LiveJournal (January 2005 - December 2005). So I guess I've been around for awhile, eh?
In reading many of my old MySpace entries this evening, I made a few observations:
I used to write without any capital letters. I added the capital letters into my writing when I started having more self-respect. It was in 2008. I am totally serious.
I used to swear a lot. And I used to drink a lot. And talk about drinking a lot.
I used to be way more cavalier with posting my feelings and business all over the internet.
I was still really hilarious. Super sarcastic and a little mean, but often hilarious.
I'm glad I still have all this writing. It's a really accurate and pretty telling description of where I was at (mentally, emotionally, physically) during those years. Some of it was surprising, some of it was sad, and I feel grateful for the ability to to go back and read all of it. So, um...thanks, internet.
There were many years when I lived here that I sort of resented Madison. It's funny to remember that currently, since I'm in love with it now, but I really struggled with living here. I resisted the city and what it is about. I compared left and right. And so it was nice to read this entry from August 2007 and feel not only happy about this feeling I had at the time, but about the fact that I really do love it here now. Anyhow, here it is, in lieu of a new blog post, which may be the case for some time as my writing is all the non-publishy type at the moment. I hope you enjoy this oldie. And check the non-capitol letters!
Thursday, August 7, 2007
i rarely ever choose to walk, and today i actually did a few times, but the most important time was walking home about a mile at dusk, if dusk is around 8:45 pm in the summer, right when it starts to get dark. i think i'm right about that. i got about two blocks from my house right at dusk then.
something hit me so hard. i walked past the windows of st. vinny's, and looking at all that crap in there, the garbage nobody needs but will still buy, and more garbage lining the gutters of willy street, and it felt like being on devon after dinner, and there was traffic, actual traffic, traffic i've always kind of scoffed at (excuse that term...i hate that term), but all of a sudden i loved that there was traffic. and throngs of people stood outside the crystal corner bar with the neon lights and the tacky marquee, smoking and yelling at cars passing by and at each other, and a city bus sped up and ran a red light and a car honked, and despite the stagnant-ass 90 degree heat in the air, everything was moving for once, and there was fucking life here. the city was finally alive to me. this slight elevation in energy and activity and it all happening at night. suddenly, i live in an actual city.
it was no familiar skyline. it was no driving the I-94 into the city at 11:00 pm on a friday, and it was no butterflies in my stomach as the night began. but it was so fucking alive for once.
and all the while, i smelled campfires. and recycling bins dutifully lined the streets. and it was still madison to me, and it was still what madison has always been to me, but it was also all of a sudden so much more.
five years of living here, and all the while i've been refusing to accept this city as its own place. it's not-chicago and not-atlanta and not-london and not even fucking glenview, illinois.
i feel like i owe madison an apology.
i'm sorry i didn't give you a fair chance. i'm sorry i never took you seriously. i'll keep my eyes open from now on.
Happy Nude Year! Another year older, another year of more maturity, obviously. You see, I spent much of my New Year's Eve making fart noises with my friends in my living room. Good times!
So, for the last couple years, I've done a "Year in Review" blog entry, which pretty much ended up being a bunch of pictures and me linking to my own blog entries. Fun stuff. I thought about doing it again this year, but, I dunno. It's been a really full year, without a doubt the fullest of my entire life, and I guess I'm not sure how much of it I want to review so publicly. You see, a little over a year ago, I learned a very valuable lesson from my mother. Here's how it went:
I was making banana bread, waiting for my friend Genia to arrive at my parents' house in Illinois - she was going to visit for a couple of nights. She arrived, and I got all excited, but was still trying to make the banana bread, in a very unfocused way. As Genia and I talked a mile a minute, I forgot what I was doing and basically dumped an entire bag of walnuts into the batter without measuring or thinking about it. My mom looked over and exclaimed, "Discretion, Reem! Discretion!" And oh man, I listened. In one fell swoop, I stopped pouring walnuts and I stopped telling the whole world my business. It has paid off so much. Best advice I've received in quite a long time. Thanks, Mom!
So anyhow, I re-read my 2008 Year in Review, and decided I didn't need to do another boring survey. As I glimpsed through the survey, however, one thing did catch my mind. The last question of the whole thing was simply: Plans for 2009? Here is how I answered:
Stick with this whole less tumultuous, quieter thing I've got going on. Less drama. More of what I want. More of what I need. A big trip somewhere with Sarah to celebrate our 30th bdays. Keep eating right and cooking awesomely. Evaluate exactly what is keeping me in Madison. Buy a better Ipod. Book club! Keep writing, specifically my blog.
Well! Pretty good plans, eh? Let's review.
Better iPod: I got a new iPod (iPod Classic), and just in time too - 6 days before the end of the year! Just wait for a zillion awesome playlists, and a "shuffle" feature that will take you from Peter, Paul, and Mary to Tenacious D to Beethoven. It's sort of weird...
Keep writing: I kept writing! Yes, there was a good two month period in which I published literally nothing on this blog (sorry, babies!), but I was writing a ton - just not posting it here. It's the non-public sort of writing; not so much funny or entertaining or anybody's business, but, you know. Important. Necessary. Sanity-saving. Lovely. So, that was wonderful. And, I joined Miriam Hall's Contemplative Writing class, which helped me focus my writing and be more mindful about the actual process of writing, how I approach it, how I come out of it, and even what kinds of materials I use. As Tara and I talked about today, it is amazing and so rewarding to have structure in the approach to writing, to have even a measly two hours a week in which you do nothing but write (or meditate and write and share and listen). To dedicate a small piece of your life to writing, and having no other options or distractions during that time. That's a pretty great gift!
Book club: Um...book club did not last. Which is okay, because scheduling is hard and sometimes it feels like school, and I rebel. But I did read a lot this year. And I'm excited about reading again! I have to admit, I got seriously burnt out on reading during grad school. A postmodern theory-heavy curriculum combined with a steadily increasing level of anxiety and restlessness in my mind during that time did not make for a pleasant "outside reading" experience. I'd have to re-read paragraphs ten or more times in a row just to be able to pay attention to the words I was reading, not to mention my struggles to understand it all. Seriously, hours and hours spent on like ten pages. Barf. It probably goes without saying that I turned away from reading for fun for a long, long time. I'm so glad to be back. Favorite books read this year: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, The Shack by WIlliam P. Young, Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi, and In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. They've all changed my life, a little bit or a lot. Also enjoying bits and pieces of Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, but I haven't finished it yet. And...yes, I am supposed to start reading Twilight. I promised one of my coworkers I would. And I'll be able to relate to my teenage students better. And my sister...who's not a teenager, but enjoys vampires very much.
Evaluate what's keeping me in Madison: Well shoot! I can't say I really evaluated it consciously, but I definitely decided I'm happy and finally feel sure that I want to stay here. Yes, it's true. After a mere seven and a half years of living here in Madison, I'm finally ready to stay. I like it here. I'm happy here. I love my job and my friends and my home and my life. And I've stopped comparing Madison to other cities. And it has worked - I'ma stay here, folks! It's about time I decided this, eh?
Eating right and cooking awesomely. Well...I'd say this had to be one extreme or the other. For example, when I do it, I do it up real good. Or, somebody else does it up real good for me, which is always much appreciated. But...then I go on vacation and eat seventeen zillion of everything delicious. So...yeah, this one sort of happened. But whatever I did, I promise, I did it with gusto! Also, since Christopher changed my kitchen, I feel happier being in it...
A big trip somewhere with Sarah. Okay, so we didn't celebrate our 30th birthdays together. Although I had an absolutely marvelous birthday celebration this year (well, two of them), I knew Sarah and I had to get together at some other point. You know, so we wouldn't totally suck. So, we met in Michigan and had a crazy old time full of partying and wild nights...at her parents' house. And then we got to hang out again at Mark's wedding, taking a mini-road trip from Providence down to Long Island. I'd say those were big trips, and we're usually celebrating when we're together, so...done and done!
More of what I want/More of what I need: Check. Check plus. Check and mate. Check it out. I did it. It is done. And done.
Less drama: Again, check! Although, I wouldn't mind a bit more musical theater here and there. Yeah, I love musical theater. So what?
Stick with this whole less tumultuous, quieter thing I've got going on: If there is any advice even close to as good as the Mom-advised DISCRETION, it's that sentence right there. Quiet is good. Alone time is wonderful. Staying still is lovely, and I'm so happy to do it.
So, I'd say it worked out exceptionally well! I've never liked making resolutions because I think they're sort of stupid, but this whole "making plans" thing just might be for me. So, with 362 days from now in mind, here are my plans for 2010:
Keep writing: in any form, public or private, hilarious or personal, contemplative or messy. Learn Spanish. I don't know why, but there's something telling me to. Travel. As much as possible. Try to get out of the country at least once this year. Do things that will result in hilarious or interesting stories (because the experience itself is inevitably awesome). I.e. The Onion Dog, being an extra in the Mustard Museum movie, winning a toilet in an internet contest, etc. Yoga! I attended my first two classes this week, and have several more on the calender over the next few weeks. Absolutely fantastic. Keep loving, keep my heart open. Keep on. Keep up.
No, it's not a Sex and the City reference, thank god. But it is good news, dudes. It's slowly but surely happening. I'm getting famous... Well...okay, I'm totally not getting famous. But! Even though I didn't write anything for a zillion years, the one and only John Statz, Madison music scene staple and folk singer to the max, has presented me and my blog with the amazing Simply Fabulous Award! Although I probably won't bother to research this myself since I know most of my assumptions are just unconditionally correct, I'm pretty sure there's a very prestigious committee that meets somewhere in Europe once a year to vote on possible recipients of this award, and John is just the lucky person who gave me the message. Yow! Many thanks to John who has a fantastic blog detailing his stories while on tour. This man goes everywhere! He's an amazing musician and a lovely person, and I'm honored that he thought of me. Also, he wears a wrestling mask in his bloggo picture. Totally Sexy. Thank you, John!
So, one of the conditions of this award is that I re-award five blogs of my own choosing. I guess I'm officially on the committee now or something, which is great, because I'm sure I'll have to attend a lot of those meetings in Europe. The second condition is that I write about five of my obsessions. That's a dangerous condition for somebody who leans slightly towards the OCD behaviors, so I'll instead lean away from those real obsessions and just talk about awesome things. Narrowing it down to five is ridiculously hard, so I'll just do the first five I think of. Here you go:
3. Tights and earrings, every color of the rainbow. I have tried getting rid of things, spring cleaning, whatever, and every time, I get rid of no more than one pair of earrings and maybe two pair of tights. Only because they have holes or have lost their elastic since I started wearing them in high school. So I have a lot. As you can see:
4. People. I love people. I believe in the inherent good of people. I love traveling to see people. I've recently realized that all I want to do is save up all my money and travel around the country and the world to see all the people I love and meet all the people I will love. I love talking to people. I love learning from people, way more than I like learning from classes or books. I am fascinated with how people think and feel, and the way their brains work, and I think endlessly about people and how they see the world and live their lives and what that must feel like. And I revel in the realization that I'll never know, and I love that. I love the mystery of everybody.
5. Fall. Especially in Wisconnie. I think John said it quite well in his last entry, and I'll try and live up to that...I have fallen in love with this beautiful state, especially in the last few weeks. The cool/cold weather makes the air so fresh; I actually enjoy breathing more than usual. All of a sudden I want to cook and bake and listen to folk music all day, and I love every minute of it. In my car, I take the long way home and drive slowly, away from the main roads. I switch from iced lattes to hot coffee drinks. I wear hats and scarves and find myself saying "I like daytime activities" and happily staying home on Friday and Saturday nights. I want to take walks and not speak, not listen to music, just walk and see and hear the world. Fall in Wisconnie - you should totally join me here sometime.
And now, to re-award! I love blogging and I love reading other blogs, and I'll admit, I'm probably extremely biased here. But I believe these are some of the finest blogs out there in the bloggy blogosphere. Very difficult to narrow it down to five, but here are some I love that post pretty regularly. Check it!
1. Ashes and Glass. Well, duh, of course the first one is my sister's blog! Sara's writing, pictures, artwork, and activism fill her blog and fill my heart (yes, I wrote that and I meant it. Bite me). She's a magical, wonderful, and beautiful sister and person, and her blog is just a tiny piece of somebody I'm elated and overjoyed to have in my life and call family.
2. Fifty Acorns Tied in a Sack. My girl Tara; my first friend in Madison and one of my best friends ever in life. With every post, she inspires me to create, imagine, live beautifully, and love endlessly. Damn, I love this woman.
3. Grin and Beer It. You read it right! Oh, no big deal, just my BFF Sarah's blog about beer. I'm always impressed with Sarah's ever-expanding knowledge of beer and her desire to learn more. Plus, she posts great pictures of the beer and the food she eats with it, and uses words like "heady" and "mouthfeel." Sexy.
4. Easel Ain't Easy. Oh Breena. Where do I ever start with Breena? I think we're secretly the same person. Ridiculously talented, both artistically and musically, and undoubtedly one of the kindest and most loving people I know, Breena simply rules. She recently moved out to Portland to work on her graphic novel (can you say BADASS?) and has a fantastic site with her blog, her comic, her music, and many other wonderful things. I admire Breena so much and wish every day we could hang out more. Her comics are posted near daily, so if you subscribe, you get a lovely little surprise drawing in your inbox all the time! Fantastic.
5. In The Pudding Club. Okay. This is my friend Lauren from high school. Although we weren't all that tight in high school, I've since become sort of obsessed with her (as well as her sister Claire who, incidentally, dated Little Brudder a long, long time ago! Although I guess I've been obsessed with her since like ten years ago) and cannot stop reading this blog of hers. Lauren has a baby, and as you probably know, I'm no expert on the babies. But I can say that this is the most honest and beautifully written, not to mention hilarious, baby-related blog I've ever seen. Read this is you want to be all full of love and maybe have a kid some day.
So that's that! To you five winners, let's hear your top fives! And to the rest of you lovelies, thanks for reading and writing, and a big ole thanks to John for the award! I expect I'll be doing a lot of traveling to these committee meetings and making speeches to teenagers and stuff like that, now that I've obtained this award, so if I'm not around for awhile, you'll understand why. xo!
I look at my blog "Edit Posts" page and there are seven unfinished drafts in there from the last two months. Seven! I have had writer's block up the wazoo. See? I'm so blocked that I have to resort to words like "wazoo." Ugh.
Anyhow, thanks to a lovely woman named Miriam and her Contemplative Writing class I've been attending, I've finally been able to write a couple of things. Today's assignment made me struggle so much - she gave us a bunch of blanks (i.e. "I regret ___," "I dream of ___," "When I was 8 years old ___," etc). The first 18 of the 20 minutes we wrote felt like pulling teeth. Tough stuff - boundary issues, discomfort -you know. I sort of hated it. But finally, in the last couple of minutes, all this stuff poured out of me, and then one of my awesome classmates said that I should put it on my blog. So...thanks class, and thanks Miriam! First finished piece in 65 days...
I used "I remember___"
I remember an uninspired life. Sitting in dark apartments for hours - laying on couches or beds, eating so much and letting it all sit in my body. Wasting hours and hours on television. And waiting on other people when I already had my shit together.
I remember not caring about much of anything. The biggest challenge of the day was whether I could get through a day of work with this bad a hangover.
And I remember devoting my precious life to somebody else, to too many somebody elses. And leaving myself alone and wondering where I went. And it is what made me realize what I really have to do - for me. I have to do this for me. Because there's no one else I'd rather be in charge of.
And so...
I remember the heartache and pain that led me to joy and inspiration. I remember the suffering that led me to a new, bright, and joyful life. I remember that I've learned to grow up and out and away from the darker parts of life. Like in the book The Prophet - the joy can only be as high as the sorrow was low.
I will continue to remember, experience, and live the highest and most gigantic joys that this world has ever heard of.
Thanks for reading, dudes. And thank you for patience and and clarity and light. Yes, you.
Top Five Places Reem Would Hate To Be 1. A James Taylor Convention 2. JoAnn Fabrics 3. The Sea Ranch (a fish "butcher" in the Chicago suburbs) 4. Harrison's Poultry Store 5. The Lasik Eye Surgery Center (she knows me SO well! Several of these were on my shit list!)
Top Five Things Reem Would Take Bets To Win: 1. any amount of money over $4 2. someone to dye her hair, then wash out the dye over the kitchen sink (Reem's note: it's true! Washing out the dye is SO hard because my entire body gets dyed purple. If you wash the dye out for me, I'll love you forever) 3. anything that gained its fame from an informercial. well almost anything. 4. a delicious sandwich, perhaps one of the 5 listed in the previous blog 5. some opportunity for the loser to make an ass of themselves.
Five best Bets I've Won In My Life 1. Laith bet me I couldn't eat a whole Awesome Blossom. I did it, won $17 dollars and had my meal paid for, and had indigestion for three days. Just FYI, I substituted ranch for the sauce they serve with it, and stuck to water all night. 2. Emil thought one or two of the member of Hanson were girls. I bet him they were all boys. I won. 3. The Beach Caper. The video explains a lot. 4. This one hasn't been won by me yet, but it will: I bet Nick that the store Elves Palace sells at least three of the following: pewter wizard figurines, crystals, gargoyle statues, incense holders in the shape of something...like a goddess. 5. Once Sara and I made a Gentleman's Wager. What it was, I unfortunately cannot tell you. This has been driving me crazy for 24 hours now because I can't remember what it is! Anybody remember??
I'm sure there will be more. Probably this is the only thing I'll blog about anymore. Waa waa!
it has to be. because i've already tried being lazy, and that doesn't work, so this has got to be it.
maybe i'm doing it so that my sister can link from her blog.
maybe it's because i didn't go see digibot tonight so now i feel like i have to do something productive. because we all know seeing digibot is the most productive thing you can do.
maybe because there is the leftovers of 32 inches of snow on the ground and i don't know what else to do with all that.
maybe it's because my television is still broken.
or maybe, you know, my writing really is that hilarious. and wonderful. and worth reading.
yeah, that's probably it. let me know when you want me to sign a contract.
Piano teacher who thinks she's hilarious and probably is. Loves to talk about food and music and Wisconsin and her wonderfully foreign family and the awesome things that happen while teaching kids.
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