You know what? I've seen a lot of hot dogs in my day. And I've seen a lot of gross and ridiculous food in my day as well. But nothing, NOTHING compared to the grossness, ridiculousness, and the hot dog-ness of what happened last night. It was the grossest, most ridiculous, hot damn doggiest night of my life. For you see, my friends, last night was the fateful night that it finally happened. The Onion Dog came to life.
I'm sure you're all wondering "Well, my word! What's an Onion Dog?" Because I'm sure you're all old ladies and talk like this. To be brief, the Onion Dog is an onion with a bunch of hot dogs stuffed inside it. To be a bit more long winded...
It all started a few weeks ago when three young men were sittin' around, eating hot dogs. One of these young men, Adam Schabow, was eating a hot dog with a ton of onions on it. He proclaimed to his two friends, Nathan and Dusty, and to the world, "I love hot dogs and onions!!! In fact, I love them so much that I would take a hot dog and stuff it inside an onion and eat it like an apple." His words. Nathan wouldn't believe this. He just couldn't seem to grasp the enthusiasm with which Schabow was speaking. Schabow stood fast, though, and in order to emphasize his point and passion, stated that he wished to "infuse an onion with five whole hot dogs, and eat that like an apple." He really said that.
And so the rest was history. Obviously, being the gentlemen they are, Nathan and Schabow made a gentleman's wager. Dusty, being an optimistic and positive gentleman, albeit a little less passionate about onions, was on Schabow's side. Good thing too, since Dusty had a plan, as you'll see later. A large and respectable sum of ten dollars was bet (keep in mind, if Schabow and Dusty were to win, it would not be ten dollars each; they'd have to split it) and a date was set for the event to occur. Schabow had high hopes, support from his friends, minus that Negative Nathan we've all heard about, and a detailed drawing of how it would all go down. I mean, come on. How do you not believe in this?? I ask you:
And so the Night of the Onion Dog began. I was rooting for Schabow, but when I saw his attempts at making a drink, I got a bit nervous.
He tightened it up, though, and my confidence soared. And my sobriety plummeted.
The size of the items involved in the bet seemed important to me, as I was unsure of how loose the rules were. Could the onion be a gigantic genetically engineered one? Could the hot dogs be cocktail wiener-sized? The answer is no. The hot dogs were bun-length...
...and the onion was the size of my hand. Fair, fellas. Nice work.
Now, many bets involve a hustler. That was Dusty. I call him Dustler. Or maybe Husty. He had a secret weapon up his sleeve...he used to be a carpenter! Waa waa Nathan, Dusty knows how to drill like nobody else!
This power drill was bought specifically for this occasion. Too bad you all didn't bet more than ten dollars, eh?
Schabow and Nathan look on in disbelief; Nathan, because he's about to lose the bet, and Schabow, because his dreams are finally coming true. His dreams of The Onion Dog.
As you can see, Dusty vertically drilled five symmetric holes down through the onion.
Schabow got so excited at this point that he couldn't keep his hands off the onion! He had to poke his fingers into every hole before stuffing the hot dogs in.
And the big moment finally came. The hot dogs were inserted into the onion.
That's what it looked like - five hot dogs inside one onion. Sideways:
Now, the bet wasn't yet over at this point. They still had to grill the onion, and it had to stay in one piece. But Schabow was just so excited that the first prototype had worked that he thought they should give it another go. This time, with seven hot dogs. SEVEN HOT DOGS!
Dusty was put to work once again, and, once again, was successful in his drilling.
That's when Adam got even more excited and decided he wanted to recreate the picture he'd drawn (shown above). It turned out, well, exactly the same as the picture. Remarkable, Schabow! What a vision you had!
Busted Up Onion Dog is over there on the left.
Because nobody can ever just leave well enough alone, bacon had to be added. I'm a fan of adding bacon to almost anything, but it was at this point that my stomach turned, and I almost had to leave the room.
And a shish kebab skewer to pull it all together!
Dusty, confident in his inevitable win, proudly shows off the strength and solidness of The Onion Dogs.
Nathan, the soon-to-be loser of the bet, and Amy celebrated their vegetarianism by playing with The Onion Dogs uncomfortably.
I really believe that Schabow knew at this point that he'd win the bet, but frankly, I'm pretty sure he was just so excited to eat the damn Onion Dog at this point.
Here are the Onion Dogs on the grill. Some say you should roast an Onion Dog, but not Schabow. He knows what he's doing.
Dusty and the finished product! Although he seems enthusiastic here, it's all an act. Dusty was nowhere near as excited as Schabow to eat his tasty treats.
This picture sort of encapsulates the whole night. Wonder, excitement, awe, beauty. All right here in this picture, and in that evening...
A hot-dog-infused-bacon-wrapped-onion. I'm totally sending this picture into This Is Why You're Fat.
The gentlemen sit down to enjoy their meal.
Schabow slathered barbecue sauce all over his onion (the seven-hot-dog one, by the way) while Dusty opted for ketchup.
I wish I could photograph a sound. It was...um, sorry I'm about to write this, but it was juicy. Really, really juicy.
Adam eats with gusto and delight while Dusty writhes in pain.
Somebody invents the Schabow cam! Video to come soon.
Schabow says he'll eat the entire camera, as long as it's put inside an onion.
And now, for a special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, Schabow eating The Onion Dog in slow motion. Enjoy!
And a big pile of crap is left on the plate.
Schabow and Dusty cheers to the ten dollars (split down the middle) they won that night.
And although that ten dollars wasn't much, I've got a hunch that it wasn't really about the money. For some, it was about pride. Or about proving a point. Because when a guy like Nathan starts going on with his "The world is flat! Ten dollars! I'll bring the beer! Screw you guys!" nonsense, you just gotta take charge. For others, however, it was really about getting to eat a giant onion with seven hot dogs inside it. Like an apple. And maybe that was the most important thing here. Because, really, maybe that's what life is all about, you know? Putting one kind of food inside another and eating it like an apple. I mean, that's just beautiful.
UPDATE: Haven't had enough, eh? Wanna watch a video of this event? Check it out here. Good luck not barfing!
AND...Read Dusty's version of the story. This man can write! And he makes it sound less grossed out and babyish than I did.
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