Monday, December 21, 2009

Jeopardy Stories

Do you know that I hate Alex Trebek? I really, really hate him. And I don't think I can say I hate a single other person in the whole wide world. Alex Trebek though...that guy really gets my goat. I mean, look at this guy...

He's such an ass! He always pronounces everything with an exaggerated accent, and he's such a know-it-all, which is pretty much my biggest pet peeve ever. He takes up so much time sharing his stupid little facts that nobody asked him to include, and he wastes all this time so that they don't even get to reveal all the questions! And he's so condescending, and totally sexist. Have you ever noticed that he has lower expectations from women than he does from men? Oftentimes, if a woman answers a question correctly, he responds with a surprised "Good for you!" Ugh, he's such an ass. Other people agree.

But I love Jeopardy. I absolutely adore watching Jeopardy. And sometimes I do pretty well! Sure, there are a few categories in which I totally suck, like Presidents, Economics, and, uh, anything having to do with history. Whoops a daisy! But man, give me State Capitols, Classical Music (any music-related category, really), Geography, or any of those Before and After or wordplay categories, and I'm grand. There was a category once called something like chemical spelling, and each answer was a word spelled using only chemical symbols. For example, the clue would read something like "radiant light around one's head" and the answer would be "Aura," Au being the symbol for Gold, and Ra being the symbol for Radium. I think I got every one right! And to think I got a C- in high school chemistry. Where did this brilliance even come from?!

I really do love Jeopardy and watch it whenever I can. But the inevitable painfully awkward interview section makes me either mute the television or change the channel every time. Those stories are so boring! Or nerdy! And Alex makes it even worse with his dumbass know-it-all contributions. That jerk...ugh, sorry, I tend to get off topic when I'm reminded of that fool. Anyhow, the stories, man. It amazes me that people can't come up with more interesting things. I pointed this out to my mother when we were watching Jeopardy together a couple of weeks ago, to which she replied "Well what would yours be?" I'm proud to say that I was ready with three stories at the time, but I thought I should come up with a couple more to make it five. This, of course, came from the old rules of Jeopardy that stated that you could only win five days in a row before having to be done. So I got to thinking, and came up with My Five Jeopardy Stories!

Story #1 I once won a toilet through a contest on facebook. American Standard was sponsoring a contest on facebook in which the writer of the "best toilet story" would win a toilet. I wrote about the time I dropped my phone in the toilet, and I came in second place out of everybody who entered the contest. I won a toilet worth between $710 - $1028 and I gave it to my sister for her birthday. Unfortunately, she has not yet received the toilet! What the eff, American Standard? What's going on here?? To be updated with positive results, hopefully...

Story #2 When I was nineteen, I got my front tooth knocked out by a hair pick. I was doing a headstand in a big lounge chair when my friend Straight Edge Rob threw the comb across the room at me. It flew through the air in a lovely arc and hit me square in the left front tooth. My tooth broke in half and I swallowed the loose piece. Later, I'd get several temporary fake teeth, and now I have a more permanent cap which is slightly longer than the rest of my teeth. There is a picture of me and my broken tooth somewhere, but I probably won't post it. Not because of the ugly tooth, though! Because I know my sister will make fun of how my eyebrows look like caterpillars. It was before I discovered the "joys" of waxing...

Story #3 Once I ate an entire Awesome Blossom from Chili's. My cousin Laith made a bet with me when we were at a wedding in London; drinks may have been involved. The bet required me to eat the entire thing, all parts included, but I could pick my own sauce and drink anything I wanted. I skipped the "zesty" sauce that came with and traded it in for ranch, and drank only water. I went in with tons of confidence and cockiness, but, in the end, I barely finished. I clearly remember the point at which there were just greasy fried pieces lining the bottom of the bowl and Laith leaned over to comment on the "grizzle" that was left. It was at this point that I nearly barfed. I finished, however, and left Chili's having won the bet, $17 (pooled together from the other dinner guests), a free meal, the hopefully unending respect of my cousin and the rest of my family who attended the event, and three days worth of indigestion. Here's what an Awesome Blossom looks like:
See the zesty sauce that I didn't eat? That was the only good choice I made that night.

Story #4 I once did a synchronized swimming routine with my friend Lia. We performed in a lake to the song "Simply the Best" by Tina Turner. Do you know this song? Check it:

We practiced for weeks and kept the performance a secret from all our friends. We bought matching bathing suits - they were pink with black polka dots - and prepared a picnic for our audience. The routine had underwater handstands and swimming in the shape of a giant heart, and even a couple of Dead Man's Floats! I wish so hard that there was documentation of this, but there is not. Saddest news ever.

Story #5 A few months ago, I appeared as an extra in a film about mustard. My friend Jess was learning how to make movies, and the group she was working with was filming a movie in Madison that will hopefully run someday at the National Mustard Museum here in Wisconsin. The movie is about a crappy baseball team (the Madison Mallards) who just can't win, and a hot dog vendor who makes a magical mustard that makes the baseball players hit home runs. I think the movie is call Hits, but I'm not sure. My friend Lynn and I were two of the extras, and we acted in a few very serious scenes, including standing around the hot dog cart, looking over our shoulders, and taking a picture of one of the Mallards. It was tough, but we got through it.

So those are my five! I should tell you that this blog was also partly inspired by Adam Schabow's Onion Dog Adventure that I wrote about in my last entry because I feel like that could be a good Jeopardy Story. (An aside...I just realized why I was so disgusted by The Onion Dog Incident...I'm probably still scarred from eating that damn Awesome Blossom! I can't believe I didn't make this connection until right now!) So, now we all know that Adam has at least one. How many do you have? Tell, tell! Post in the comments section, or write your own blog about it. I'm going to go watch the Boyz II Men reunion that's on television right now. Holy eff, they've still got it!

7 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Alex Trebek is truly a condescending a-hole... and I have ALWAYS hated his little accents! But my great aunt and my husband love the show. Did you know Sarah (Stone)'s mom was once on Jeopardy?

Lynn Vollbrecht said...

I want to be part of a re-created Onion Dog incident SO BAD. Or, could we just start a band called the Onion Dog Incidident?

Rochelle Spencer said...

This is so real! Alex Trebek always looks smug--and so happy--when people risk all their money on a daily double and lose it!!!!

Susannah said...

As a former Jeopardy contestant, I agree that those interview segments are cheesetastic. However, they don't hold a candle to the shoutouts that the local TV stations broadcast -- aka the Hometown Howdies.

"Hey Madison, I'm Susannah [not-Brooks]. Badger hockey season may be over, but there still is some great competition on TV. Catch me on Jeopardy! and see if I can beat that buzzer."

Sara Ashes said...

I wouldn't have made fun of your caterpillars!!! okay yeah maybe i would have. Also, the mustard film stpry sounds dangerously like a story a dude with a sweatervest and big glasses might also share with Alex. But the rest, my dear, is pure gold. Golden gold. xoxo

Anonymous said...

http://www.jeopardystory.com/Home/Default.aspx

quizshowbob said...

When I took the live Jeopardy test, I sat next to a woman who passed the test and got on the show. She ended up with a score of minus 2000 and didn't get to compete in Final Jeopardy.
I was like, "Ha ha, that's what you get for being so snooty to me when when I was trying to make conversation after we took the test."