Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Family Story Four: Cousin Laith

I was reminded of this gem of a story by none other than Laith himself while I visited Chicago this past weekend. To be read in a Chicago-accented voice, adorned by the occasional "okay" or "you know" at the end of sentences...

So I'm traveling back from the Middle East after a long ass flight, and I've got this layover in Zurich. So, you know, I grab some drinks, I grab some more drinks, and am off on my way to the security line, which is like a mile long. So when I get to the walk-through metal detector and the fucking thing beeps, I've just about had it, okay? I take off my shoes, my belt, my watch, everything. I go back and forth, in and out, three times. It still fucking beeps. So they use the wand thing on me. And, of course, every time the man waves it over my crotch, it beeps.

(Now here's Laith doing a Swiss accent): Sir, what for may you have that may be metal?

(Back in the Chicago accent): I don't know, man, I've already given you guys everything I got.

(Swiss guy): Sir, please, what is this may be?

At this point, you know, I'm drunk, I'm fucking exhausted, and I still have a seven hour plane ride ahead of me. And as the words come out of my mouth, I know I should stop them, but I can't. I just can't shut my mouth. So I say to the guy:

Oh, I forgot. You guys don't have these here in Europe. Those are my BALLS.

And I get this horrified look on my face, and everything is silent, and the guy just looks and me for a minute, then waves me on with his wand and says Okay, sir, you are free to go.

I grabbed my shit, didn't even put on my belt or shoes, and got the fuck outta there.

I just couldn't shut up...



Brava, Cousin Laith, you magnificent bastard! Brava!

9 comments:

syb said...

that's about the best thing i've read in a while!

Sara Ashes said...

hahaha! this better be the first of MANY stories of lovely Laith! there is so much material- there could be a whole chapter on just Laith and The Mike!

Reem Tara said...

Sara, I was thinking of the one The Mike story (YOU know the one - about the doctor) and I think you tell it better than I. Or maybe a collaborative attempt? Either way, the Laith and The Mike chapter MUST come alive!

Valerie said...

HAHAHAHAAHA THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

he called you sir? what a jerk! and like, what if it was a gun and you made that joke and he waved you on...

Reem Tara said...

Well, he called my cousin "Sir," so I guess that's fine. But yeah, I know! Laith swears it's true...

Sara Ashes said...

Perhaps we should get Laith to do a retelling of that story at Thanksgiving??

Also, I just want you to know that since I read this, I keep hearing Laith's voice in my head doing the Family Guy line "Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!!"

Reem Tara said...

BUTTSCRATCHA! I had this in my head ALL the time like a week ago.

SophisticatedBrew said...

GENIUS! your family never ceases to amaze.

Valerie said...

oh i see... i didn't get that it was him telling the story.