Tis The Season to Post Old Blogs and Meet My Goal of Four Per Month

I'll be honest - when I saw those first couple of snowflakes today, I smiled. Although I'm no fan of snow, I do really like this time of year. Mostly it's because of, you know, The Season. I've been listening to Christmas music for a solid week and a half already. The great thing about two different radio stations being all-Christmas all the time is that if a crappy, i.e. James Taylor, Christmas song comes on, you've always got another option. And if both options suck, you can always put on the Throwback Lunch and hear Regulate.

I was looking back at my myspace blog as I contemplated (lazily, without any action) archiving it all, and I came across several Christmas-related blogs I'd written. Several meaning, like, a lot. Most of them from 2007, because I guess I was the most Christmassy that year. I really get into Christmas. So, I thought I'd resurrect (OH MAN) some of the writing and hopefully rope in some of you to my spirit of the season. Something like that. Here ya go:

Please ignore the poor capitalization and probably some curse words. Oh, how I've grown up...


11/25/07
okay. so if you know me in any way that's important at all, you probably know how much i love christmas. i mean for real, i absolutely love it. i know not everybody agrees with me, so here are some of the reasons i love the holiday season. maybe it'll inspire you to love it a little more. or, maybe you'll stay in your sad little shell of holiday hatred. whatever. i don't care...

*the oldies station plays christmas music 24 hours a day. even if you don't like christmas music, the chance of hearing aaron neville on the radio increases exponentially. you can't tell me that's not an incredible reason to appreciate the holidays.

*another radio-related reason...you get to hear "the sexy christmas carols." this title was created by my brilliant brother emil last december. it refers to songs like "rockin' around the xmas tree," "santa baby," "jingle bell rock," the jazzy version of "white christmas," and "santa claus is coming to town" sung by bruce springsteen (you can hear him laughing in the middle of the chorus. how adorable). the sexy christmas carols really make the season what it is, you know?

*christmas lights.

*the festival of lights at olin park in madison. there are all these businesses that sponsor "light sculptures" which are pretty half-assed, really, but still great. i go about twice a week to drive around the park looking at a santa golfing, a penguin ice skating, a dragon acting gay, or an elf-looking kid running down the stairs. this year, i pledge to include booze in this trip more often.

*i can use my new catch phrase. it works mostly if i've been at the drink for several hours. basically what i do is have a glass in my hand, preferably a martini glass, and hold it up and let a lot of it slosh about, whilst saying "TIS THE SEASON." just a note, "TIS THE SEASON" can be followed by "bitches" or "assholes," and the sloshing can be replaced by ice cubed tinkling in a highball glass. either way, i'll probably spill a lot.

*presents. i'll always be a kid about presents. sorry. materialism.

*cookies. baking cookies. decorating cookies. eating cookies. duh.

*the birth of our one and only lord jesus h. christ.

*wassail. its kind of sweet, but its tasty.

*family time. especially because this year it will involved hours of guitar hero three, played on HARD, bitches, cuz i'm so talented, AND the karaoke celebration party. AND my parents will play both games. not well, but they'll play.

still hate the holidays? maybe you should be hanging out with me more often. sorry you're such a sucker. also sorry if i've been a jerk. i may be channeling delicious food a bit at the moment. oh passive-aggression, how i love thee.


11/29/07
I thought of some more reasons for the season. there may be more soon. make sure you check back often. anyhow:

*at java detour (the drive through coffee place on east washington in madison), they put these little stickers over the mouth hole of hot drinks. well, at the holidays, the stickers get way cute; snowmen, candy canes, and tiny mittens! you can also decorate the inside of your car with these stickers. totals sexy.

*there are actually THREE radio stations that play christmas music! one is "Lite 107.3" which plays the cheesier music. today I heard aaron neville twice. how bout it.

*when i leave work at 9 pm, i turn all the lights off but the christmas lights stay on.

*i constantly have a slightly fluttering feeling in my stomach. tummy. gut. crap factory. as hilarious as i am, come on...that was touching.


12/6/07
so basically, if you're anybody who's anybody, you read my blog, you subscribe to my blog...you cannot wait for my next blog to be written. and such and such. right? after all, i am kind of known as madison' own Gossip Girl (yes, akin to the CW's Gossip Girl) and am probably most people's main source of both information and entertainment. Um...if you're not one of these people, you might want to go ahead and subscribe to my blog right now and pretend like you've been a reader all along. it will most likely be better for you socially.

you loyal readers (and millions of fans), most likely remember a few blogs ago when i wrote about how much i love the holidays. one of my top reasons was because of my new catch phrase, "tis the season." as you probably recall, it is mostly used when consuming cocktails and being charming, as my life goes about 45% of the time lately. fantastic. Anyhow, I ran into one mr. shane at monty's yesterday who informed me that he has been saying "tis the season" for awhile as well, and says it frequently, and at extremely opportune times. to shane, i give a high five of solidarity, sister, and encourage you to do the same. not only high five shane, but let's get going on this catch phrase! spread it round, fools, and help to make those who are less fortunate than you and i (in awesomeness) a little more joyous. it can be your holiday charity/volunteer work that your mom asks you to do instead of getting her a present.

already, people and businesses around the country are contributing to the greater use of "tis the season." in fact, in a conversation with my sister, aka Lady Sara of Haute-lanta, she informed me of several emails she's recently received that do use our favorite holiday phrase. here are some that she shared with me:

Tis the season to earn holiday rewards! (Best Buy)
Tis the season to save on holiday shipping (Target)
Tis the season...to drink coffee! (Starbucks...BOOOOOO! booo to starbucks)
Tis the season to be greeting (Costco). huh? maybe it was written by a foreigner.
Tis the season to read mystery novels and drink hot chocolate! (from her local indy bookstore),
to which I replied
tis the season to curl up in a semi-modern armchair and read this month's issue of "Out" magazine

This got me thinking. If any old d-bag can send out some mass email with MY catch phrase in it, what else night be out there in the world? So i did a little research. and here are some of the things i found:

Tis the season for coupon codes!
Tis the season for controversy.
Tis the season to understand the ploys of persuasion.
Tis the season for drinking and driving.
Tis the season to deck the halls with December's critter...
Tis the season to be careful if you're buying Packers tickets.
Tis the season for parades, decorating and goodwill Main streets throughout Pickens County...
Tis the season to be nudie!
Tis the season to Photoshop Santa Claus hats onto everything.
Tis the season to shop for just the right gift card.
Tis the season to be a Marvel fan, as the Marvel Holiday Special dashes into stores with ...
and my personal favorite...
Tis the season to get stuffed with gratin ( If you're curious, click)

As you can see, others have absolutely NO qualms about using the greatest catch phrase in the world to their advantage. i suggest you do the same. Here are a few that I created, mostly that relate to my personal and work life at the moment. Just in time for the season:

Tis the season to not be a total d-bag.
Tis the season to eat a taco or burger with me tonight.
Tis the season to wear something tight.
Tis the season to take a shower.
Tis the season to buy a girl an effing drink.
Tis the season to dig my car out of the snow while I watch from inside.
Tis the season to let me watch your television because mine broke and all I do anymore is write blogs.

Tis the Season Blog - 2008

Woooo! Christmas! Tis the season, um, gentlemen. See how polite I've become in the last three years? Wow.

Oh, Hey Music!

As we drove to North Georgia today to visit a zedonk (half zebra, half donkey - pictures and story to come soon!), my sister and I were talking about music and the most important albums in our lives. I'd done a note on this awhile ago on facebook, narrowing it down to 30 albums that were influential or important to me over the course of my life, but it was really fun to bring it up again, discuss together and compare notes. So, here's my list! I highly encourage you to make your own list, if only for my satisfaction and curiosity as I like you all and find you very interesting. For real, let me see your list. Leave it in the comments or write it somewhere else and link in the comments. I like you. I want to know about you and your music. Plus, music is awesome. Come on now.

Peter, Paul and Mary - The Best of Peter, Paul, and Mary - Ten Years Together
This is the first album I remember listening to as a kid. We had the record, and we would go see them at Ravinia (big outdoor music venue near where I grew up) most summers. Definitely instilled a love for vocal harmonies in my kid brain.

The Pointer Sisters - Breakout
The first tape I ever bought. I think I was 6 or 7. I remember listening to "I'm So Excited," "Neutron Dance," and "Jump (For My Love)," then rewinding it and listening all over again. Sometimes I would try and listen to "Automatic," but I thought it was boring and never got very far with it.

Michael Jackson - Thriller
We also had this one on vinyl. My favorite song was "Human Nature," and I saw the video for "Thriller" at way too young an age. I still get creeped out by Vincent Price's voice.

Jesus Christ, Superstar - Soundtrack
I have every word memorized, and I've seen the play 6 or 7 times, and I used to perform the entire thing in my room when nobody else was home, and my secret dream is to play Judas in a production of this musical. Don't tell anybody.

Led Zeppelin - Disc 2 of the Box Set
My sister owned the box set, and we'd set our cd player to play "Black Dog," "Over The Hills and Far Away," "Immigrant Song," "D'yer Mak'er," and "Stairway to Heaven." Once I finally listened to the rest of the disc, and the rest of the set, they became one of my all-time favorite bands.

Mötley Crüe - Dr. Feelgood
This was the first cd I ever owned! Sara gave it to me for Christmas in...7th grade? It came in the long box, and I loved it. I still have the same copy of this cd, and I still love it.

Guns n Roses - Appetite for Destruction
What do I even say about this? I think it is the most rocking album ever made. WAY ahead of its time. I mean, jesus christ, it was released in 1987! Crazy. I have two copies: one for the apartment and one for the car. It is my all time favorite album.

Liz Phair - Exile in Guyville
Oh Liz! You did so much for me. This was one of the first albums that introduced me to any kind of feminist ideals, and one of the first solo female artists I ever loved. Hearing her sing about sex and love was eye-opening for me.

Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
When I was 15 or so, I needed Tori music more than I realized. Although I totally make fun of her now, I still listen to this album during my more angsty nights. Her lyrics were something I absolutely needed to hear at that time. And also, duh, piano rules.

Hole - Live Through This
Oh man. I think I also needed to hear some screaming when I was fifteen or sixteen. This was one of the first albums that made me want to play the drums. I used to try and sing along, but after a couple of minutes, my throat would hurt and I'd just drive fast. Every time I listen to this album, it's over too quickly.

The Violent Femmes - Add It Up
I had this tape playing in my car for most of my junior year in high school. It's awesome. I finally got to see them at the Aragon when I was seventeen, and it's still one of the craziest shows I've ever been to.

Ani Difranco - Not a Pretty Girl
Similarly to Tori, I needed to hear somebody saying this stuff. Saying that crazy shit had happened to somebody else, and hearing power and survival and inspiration in the music and lyrics.

The Pixies - Doolittle
I had a lot of friends in high school who I was intimidated by because they had "advanced musical taste," and loved The Talking Heads and They Might Be Giants and others who I totally didn't "get." I got The Pixies though, man. I got the shit outta them.

Immortal Beloved - Soundtrack
All Beethoven music. It formed what I wanted to do with my life. For real. After hearing these recordings, I knew I wanted to dedicate my life to music. And it was the first time I heard my most favorite piece of music ever in life (2nd movement of the 5th Piano Concerto) Thanks, Beethoven!

Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting
Another from my sister. Johnette Napolitano's voice is one of my favorites, and was perfect for those confusedly-angry days of high school.

The Mix Tape Emily Weaver gave me for my 16th birthday.
First time I heard NOFX, the Descendents, A Tribe Called Quest, and the first time I really listened to Sly & the Family Stone, Sam & Dave, and Ella Fitzgerald. A HUGE influence in my developing musical taste at the time.

Prince - Purple Rain AND The Hits 2
I love them both. I associate The Hits 2 with driving to summer school the summer before my junior year. There was this ten-day period where my parents took my sister to look at colleges and drove my brother to Space Camp (that's right, Space Camp!) and left me home alone, and all my friends slept over in my parents' family room and we drove to summer school, listening to Prince. And Purple Rain because...well, dude! It's Purple Rain!

Beastie Boys - Ill Communication
I get this surge of energy when I hear them. Every time. I remember having fantasies of having MCA as a roommate, doing it with Ad Rock, and playing video games with Mike D. I'd still do all of those things.

Portishead - Dummy
I think that, for awhile, I may have been a little depressed in high school and college...

Björk - Homogenic
This is the only album besides Appetite of which I have two copies. The song "Jóga" is one of the most painfully beautiful things I've ever experienced.

Jeff Buckley - Grace
I listened to this album non-stop the summer of 1999, between my sophomore and junior years of college, right after Sarah Wallbank died. I would literally sit in my dorm room and cry and write and then wander around in a daze. It's still sort of hard for me to listen to this now.

Jane's Addiction - Nothing's Shocking
Another of the most rocking albums, but with a lot more beauty than Appetite. Every time "Summertime Rolls" comes on, I think of Christopher and laying in the bed in my dorm room on a beautiful, sunny day, and I feel more alive and full of love.

Hot Hot Heat - Make Up the Breakdown
Hands down one of the most upbeat, fun albums ever. The lead singer of this band is like maybe my height and has this great head of puffy hair and wears jeans that must be from the little girls department. But I digress. I mention this album because it marks a point at which I started listening to music that was way more fun and a little less...serious?

The Dismemberment Plan - Emergency & I
I remember Kaleb letting me borrow this album and telling me to listen to the track "Spider in the Snow." I did, and I was hooked. I've listened to this album in its entirety at least twice a month for the last 7 years. It just works.

Le Tigre - S/T and Feminist Sweepstakes
I listened to these a lot whilst living in the Womyn's Center at Beloit College and while playing in The Koochies with Sarah, Cody, Helen and Nicole. Very meaningful days...Once again, more wonderful ladies saying more things I needed to hear.

The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
"Fight Test" will always make me smile. I listened to this a lot when AJ-then-Tony was making his solo album and I got to play piano on it. This album means summer to me.

Postal Service - Give Up
Ben Gibbard's voice, while totally wienerific, is pretty lovely, and I actually listened to the lyrics of this one, unlike most music I listened to after 1999. Beautiful music for winter or summer days, which I think is a rarity!

Devotchka - How It Ends
The first album I ever owned by this amazing band. I love them.

Simon and Garfunkel - Greatest Hits
This album is one of few that I listen to while I'm in Ireland. One, because it's one of the few albums that whoever is there can agree on listening to. And that's only sometimes. But also because being in Ireland can often be bittersweet, and this album always helps me remember that when I want to come home, I already sort of am. Also, remember in Almost Famous when Anita puts on the song "America" and tells her mother "this song explains why I'm leaving home to become a stewardess?" Awesome.

Devotchka - A Mad and Faithful Telling
This album signifies a turning point in my life - right around a year ago - and has been a sort of necessity to me for the last year. I can pick out specific chords in "Along The Way" that lift up my heart. I get chills when I hear Nick Urata's tired voice on "Undone." Every time I hear this album, I feel like I'm discovering something new.

Written on 2/26/09.

From the Vault: A Sincere Apology to a City

Oh lord, it's been awhile. And don't get excited or anything, dudes, because this is not a new blog entry. It's actually an old blog entry. In my somewhat paranoid internet searchings tonight (which were based on my thoughts of privacy and finding/deleting everything about me on the internet - I go through these thoughts every so often), I came across/remembered my MySpace blog! It's funny, because although this (this is how I will get famous) blog has only been around since December of 2007, I had a MySpace blog before that (December of 2005 sporadically through January 2008), and before that, a LiveJournal (January 2005 - December 2005). So I guess I've been around for awhile, eh?

In reading many of my old MySpace entries this evening, I made a few observations:

• I used to write without any capital letters. I added the capital letters into my writing when I started having more self-respect. It was in 2008. I am totally serious.
• I used to swear a lot. And I used to drink a lot. And talk about drinking a lot.
• I used to be way more cavalier with posting my feelings and business all over the internet.
• I was still really hilarious. Super sarcastic and a little mean, but often hilarious.
• I'm glad I still have all this writing. It's a really accurate and pretty telling description of where I was at (mentally, emotionally, physically) during those years. Some of it was surprising, some of it was sad, and I feel grateful for the ability to to go back and read all of it. So, um...thanks, internet.

There were many years when I lived here that I sort of resented Madison. It's funny to remember that currently, since I'm in love with it now, but I really struggled with living here. I resisted the city and what it is about. I compared left and right. And so it was nice to read this entry from August 2007 and feel not only happy about this feeling I had at the time, but about the fact that I really do love it here now. Anyhow, here it is, in lieu of a new blog post, which may be the case for some time as my writing is all the non-publishy type at the moment. I hope you enjoy this oldie. And check the non-capitol letters!

Thursday, August 7, 2007

i rarely ever choose to walk, and today i actually did a few times, but the most important time was walking home about a mile at dusk, if dusk is around 8:45 pm in the summer, right when it starts to get dark. i think i'm right about that. i got about two blocks from my house right at dusk then.

something hit me so hard. i walked past the windows of st. vinny's, and looking at all that crap in there, the garbage nobody needs but will still buy, and more garbage lining the gutters of willy street, and it felt like being on devon after dinner, and there was traffic, actual traffic, traffic i've always kind of scoffed at (excuse that term...i hate that term), but all of a sudden i loved that there was traffic. and throngs of people stood outside the crystal corner bar with the neon lights and the tacky marquee, smoking and yelling at cars passing by and at each other, and a city bus sped up and ran a red light and a car honked, and despite the stagnant-ass 90 degree heat in the air, everything was moving for once, and there was fucking life here. the city was finally alive to me. this slight elevation in energy and activity and it all happening at night. suddenly, i live in an actual city.

it was no familiar skyline. it was no driving the I-94 into the city at 11:00 pm on a friday, and it was no butterflies in my stomach as the night began. but it was so fucking alive for once.

and all the while, i smelled campfires. and recycling bins dutifully lined the streets. and it was still madison to me, and it was still what madison has always been to me, but it was also all of a sudden so much more.

five years of living here, and all the while i've been refusing to accept this city as its own place. it's not-chicago and not-atlanta and not-london and not even fucking glenview, illinois.

i feel like i owe madison an apology.

i'm sorry i didn't give you a fair chance. i'm sorry i never took you seriously. i'll keep my eyes open from now on.

Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up

This is a blog entry I wrote about 16 months ago, when I still wrote mostly on MySpace. I have been thinking about Gary Busey a lot today, for some reason, so I thought I'd repost this blog that is loosely based around him...

I tried to explain to Schabow the other night about "busted up." I came off sounding like a dick. Probably because I was talking about people I know. Which, yes, is shallow and mean. SORRY. God. Whatever. Anyhow, its not as mean if I do it with celebrities, right? Good. So here is how i meant for it to sound:

Sometimes somebody is the busted up somebody else. Like, the busted up person looks like the first person, but maybe a little more raggedy, or like their hair is messy and unkempt...you know? I know it sounds mean, but it really doesn't have to be. Here is an example:

Gary Busey is the busted up Nick Nolte


Nick Nolte


Gary Busey

See? They look alike, but Gary Busey is slightly...well, busted up.

I was talking to Mark tonight, and he mentioned that there should be the possibility of somebody being the "tricked out" somebody else. Like find somebody who is "a natural beauty" and then find somebody who looks like them, but with a shit ton of makeup or giant earrings. Or who has special powers maybe. We couldn't think of any examples at first, but then...


Janice Dickinson


Chynna Doll

To me, it looks like Chynna Doll is the tricked out Janice Dickinson because of all her crazy muscles. Its like you get Janice, but then get all these add-ons, like muscles and a giant neck.

Here's one that I have a hard time with...who's the busted up who in this trio?


Mary Steenbergen


Andie McDowell


Susan Lucci

I mean, in my opinion, they're all busted up. I'd say Andie McDowell is the least busted up (or, as we coined this weekend, the "tightened up"). But that's because I'm biased, because Susan Lucci looks like an animated corpse (not my original thought - sorry!) and Mary Steenbergen, well I don't mind her, but she married Ted Danson! that douchebag!

So. Is that nicer Schabow? It's all for you, my friend. All for you.

I think my writing used to be a lot cruder. Oh, how we grow. I've gone from crude to prude!

JK, dudes, JK.

Real Live Hobo

I wrote this one awhile ago but just reread it and remembered how awesome hobos are...

So I drove to Cottage Grove today at about 9 am to go some piano lessons at a house, and I got to the end of the driveway, and as I turned to head up towards the house, this man emerged from the cornfield holding something over his shoulder, and I could only make one assumption, being...

This man is a hobo and the thing over his shoulder is a bindle.

It has got to be true. He's a hobo with his bindle and he's "tramping" through the corn fields belonging to my home school family, in between riding the rails and swapping stories for sponge baths. It has got to be true.

But I look closer, and really he's just a grown ass man in a full suit of camouflage, carrying a paintball gun over his shoulder. I stare at him, my car stopped in the middle of the road, and he looks back, brushes some leaves from his uniform, and carries on down the street.

Here's the part when I feel little "...?" about my thought process. As soon as I realized he wasn't a hobo with a bindle, I forgot all about him and never stopped to ask or think about what the hell this man was doing in the cornfield, and why he was wearing camouflage, and especially why he had a paintball gun over his shoulder. At 9 am. In Cottage Grove.

I guess it just didn't matter anymore, once he wasn't a hobo.

Sometimes when I can't sleep I like to read a book I already have read 28 times: Fried Green Tomatoes. I've been reading it for probably over ten years, and this has never stood out to me before, but the other night I was reading and I laughed so hard and then couldnt go to bed for even longer because of the beginning of the chapter starting on page 17. Here it is:

Davenport, Iowa
Hobo Camp
October 15, 1929

Five men sat huddled around a low-burning fire, orange and black shadows dancing on their faces as they drank weak coffee out of tin cans: Jim Smokey Phillips, Elmo Inky WIlliams, BoWeevil Jake, Crackshot Sackett, and Chattanooga Red Barker - five of the estimated two hundred thousand men and boys roaming the countryside that year.

Oh god. Oh GOD. How was this not the most hilarious thing in the world before recently? I mean, Crackshot Sackett? Weak coffee out of tin cans? Give me a break. I cant believe that, at one time, I was able to read seriously about hobos, hobo names, and hobo camps. I mean, god. that shit is the funniest thing anybody can even discuss. Ever in life. Damn.