What to Do on a Crabby Ass Morning

I'm having trouble with the capitalization of the title of this blog. What to do? What To Do? I don't even know. And I don't even care.

So I woke up this morning feeling groggy and crabby, which is really unusual for me, especially as of late. Because, you know, I feel pretty wonderful the majority of the time. Honestly, I do. So it wasn't a very pleasant or fun way to wake up feeling all gross and tired and bitchy. Not fun to anybody else, I'm sure, and especially not fun to me! Boooo!

So what does one do in these situations? I mean, sure, there's always the retroactive solutions of Get more sleep, Don't be up until 3 am when you have to wake up at 8 am, Do not drink a giant iced coffee and a giant iced latte in one day, Eat something more substantial than carbs all day. Sure, real easy to say now! It's today! That was yesterday! So really, what good could that do me this morning? None, I tell you. Instead, I turn to the internet. The following are things that always lift my spirits, make me feel less crabby and more awesome, and sometimes even cause me to "Laugh Out Loud." Check them out:


Shark Attack 3! I found this clip one day when I searched youtube for "giant shark." It's an absolute cinematic masterpiece. Oh, and check out the smug son of a bitch at the very end. BOOM!



"Lord of the Rings Funny Voices." I've never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies (and for this I believe my brother wants to disown me), but I did come across this video long ago. Emil tells me it's a beautiful scene in which Frodo wakes up after a big battle and, after thinking all of his friends are dead, find out that they actually are not! Bonus fact: I had to google "Elijah Wood Lord of the Rings" to figure out the name "Frodo." Sorry, Emil. Anyhow, check out this alternate version with hilarious voice-overs:



My sister's blog entry on "Naughty Arabic." One beautiful day, Sara and Emil sat in the living room and compiled a list of words that are totally normal in Arabic, but sound dirty in English. I'll say no more - check out this brilliance.


Hobo Names! Here is a list of 700 hobo names. A little something to tickle your fancy and peak your curiosity:
#21: Mr. Wilson Fancypants
#22: Floyd Dangle
#23: Shane Stoopback
#24: Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes
#25: Normal-Face Olaf
You totally want to click here.


Sexy People! Always good for a laugh. Recently copied by Awkward Family Photos, I prefer Sexy People's more streamlined, focused approach. To laughing at people. Take Ron, for example...

Check it!


If you're not feeling better by now, there's probably something wrong with you. I mean seriously, you've probably got a very serious problem that may be untreatable. Or, you know, maybe we just have different taste in humor. Whatever man. If you still haven't laughed yet, just google "hobo," or look at clips of the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job, or go on youtube and look up "world burping champion" and see what you come up with. And best of luck with your cold, dead, humorless soul. God, how about a smile once in awhile? Jeez....

Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up

This is a blog entry I wrote about 16 months ago, when I still wrote mostly on MySpace. I have been thinking about Gary Busey a lot today, for some reason, so I thought I'd repost this blog that is loosely based around him...

I tried to explain to Schabow the other night about "busted up." I came off sounding like a dick. Probably because I was talking about people I know. Which, yes, is shallow and mean. SORRY. God. Whatever. Anyhow, its not as mean if I do it with celebrities, right? Good. So here is how i meant for it to sound:

Sometimes somebody is the busted up somebody else. Like, the busted up person looks like the first person, but maybe a little more raggedy, or like their hair is messy and unkempt...you know? I know it sounds mean, but it really doesn't have to be. Here is an example:

Gary Busey is the busted up Nick Nolte


Nick Nolte


Gary Busey

See? They look alike, but Gary Busey is slightly...well, busted up.

I was talking to Mark tonight, and he mentioned that there should be the possibility of somebody being the "tricked out" somebody else. Like find somebody who is "a natural beauty" and then find somebody who looks like them, but with a shit ton of makeup or giant earrings. Or who has special powers maybe. We couldn't think of any examples at first, but then...


Janice Dickinson


Chynna Doll

To me, it looks like Chynna Doll is the tricked out Janice Dickinson because of all her crazy muscles. Its like you get Janice, but then get all these add-ons, like muscles and a giant neck.

Here's one that I have a hard time with...who's the busted up who in this trio?


Mary Steenbergen


Andie McDowell


Susan Lucci

I mean, in my opinion, they're all busted up. I'd say Andie McDowell is the least busted up (or, as we coined this weekend, the "tightened up"). But that's because I'm biased, because Susan Lucci looks like an animated corpse (not my original thought - sorry!) and Mary Steenbergen, well I don't mind her, but she married Ted Danson! that douchebag!

So. Is that nicer Schabow? It's all for you, my friend. All for you.

I think my writing used to be a lot cruder. Oh, how we grow. I've gone from crude to prude!

JK, dudes, JK.