Friday, March 14, 2008

I can see the lanai

I really can. Almost all of the snow is gone and I can see the majority of the wood, and the table and chairs are uncovered. How romantic! Come over, and we’ll have a totals sexy night. We’ll sit together at the table and drink glasses of wine and watch the moon and stars, and listen to the crickets chirping in the night. The colored christmas lights will twinkle against the darkness, and we’ll look into each others eyes and we’ll know that this is all we need.

Well, except, the seats are all wet. with more than water...dirty water. They’re, like, soaking wet. It will make your pants wet, and you’ll look like you peed. And remember that time I put the garbage out there because I couldn’t get to the trash cans because of all the snow? Well, there are remnants of that garbage, chewed up and discarded by squirrels. It looks like pieces of fruit and soggy papers...maybe the Shopper Stopper. Maybe 8 different Shopper Stoppers. And actually, the wet wood kind of smells like it’s rotting. Ooh, that can’t be good.

Whoops a daisy. I don’t have any wine. I only have what’s left in a handle of Fleischmann’s vodka...probably about a cup and a half, which has been in my freezer for about a month, next to some old waffles. And not a mixer in sight. Will this do?

Is it a total buzzkill that about half of those lights won’t turn on? Yikes...sorry, dudes. Sorry about that. I’ll try to help you not bump into anything or trip as you walk through that garbage.

Well, I guess it’s more about the company, right? The sexy company with sexy results. Is it still sexy when you make me laugh and i cough violently and uncontrollably, right in your face? Is it still sexy when I ask if we can cut the bullshit, go inside, and watch Friday Night Smackdown? Do you mind that I find it almost impossible to wear pants anymore? What about the fact that my already short attention span has lessened to about a 20 - 35 minute time span? Is it offensive or hurtful when you’re whispering beautiful and flowery words to me, and all I can think about is recipes for non-dairy macaroni and cheese, or what order I’ll put the songs on my next mix cd? Is it?

Well, I’m sorry about that. That’s what the winter has done to me, my friends. It has turned my formerly Sexy Results into Somewhat Sexy Results with a Few Exceptions and Probably a Lot of Buzzkills. With the promise of laziness and delusion. And the inability to concentrate on what you’re saying.

Still, I can see the linai. That’s something, right?

And by the way, it’s not self-deprecating. I still find myself charming as hell. I hope you will too. And maybe I’ll just put this blog up on a personals dating site.

Omg. I’m kidding. I’m awesome. Who doesn’t want to get with this??


Tara said...

Pretty damn sexy. I wish I was there sitting on your couch with no pants on, whoops. But Devotchka is playing here at midnight and I wish you were here so we could go. Instead I will be crafting away until the wee hours. Miss you!

Sara Ashes said...

this is you at your best, my sister. nice work!