Love/Hate/Internet

You know what? Sometimes I really hate the internet. When I've had my fill of Wisconsin politics and have already put a limit on how many articles I'm allowed to read, it sucks me back in and makes me read a zillion more. It's just too easy - a few words and an easy link, and they're right there! Stupid internet.

And god, reading people's reactions to Bin Laden's death that night - it made me feel sick. Anybody can say anything they want on the internet. Faceless, shameless people, being awful, and it's all allowed. Peace, gentleness, being a human; it all disappears on the internet. Gross.

And of course. I just lost one of my best and oldest friends, and it's all over the internet. He's sorta famous, see, and if I wanted to, I could read countless articles and posts and tributes and lies about him. It's exhausting, just trying not to read these things, let alone just knowing they're out there, existing, for the whole world to read.

But of course, it's not all bad. Because then there's a beautiful little moment. Like when you're so sad that you'll never hear his voice again, never hear his amazing laugh again...but then you find out this little gem exists:

Much thanks to Miss Amie for telling me about this video. Ridiculous and smiling and tears. I mean come on - that laugh! I love that laugh, and I love that other people get to hear it now. Well then, thank you, internet. You've redeemed yourself a teensy bit.

ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH!??!?!

A year or two ago I made a blog that consisted solely of internet pages and videos that made me laugh. The purpose of this collection was to make me chill the hell out when I wake up crabby. I haven't exactly been crabby for the last ten days...no, more so exhausted, tense, sad, confused, crazy-lady, delirious, achy, hysterical...and I haven't even spent the night in the Capitol yet (Props to Shane in that video - nice job getting "nestier," my friend)! With all that's going on, it's been a challenge to remember to take good care of myself, take breaks, not overdo things, and not become consumed. It's really difficult. So, with the goal of being a well-balanced person once again, I give you...

MORE HILARIOUS INTERNET THINGS!!!

Those of you at the Capitol night and day, I strongly salute your badass-ness and hardcore-ity, and sincerely dedicate this to you. You're doing amazing things, and for that, we all thank you times a zillion. So much respect. Now, if you feel so inclined, take a couple minute break and have a laugh!

If you read my last entry on hilarious internet thingies, you probably noticed my affinity for voiceovers. Yeah, well...they're funny. For example, have you heard of Randall's Animals?
The honey badger is definitely the most hilarious by far, but I also suggest watching The Jesus Christ Lizard, The Gross and Disgusting American Bullfrog, and The Gang of Flamingos one. You know what? Eff it, watch them all. Every single one.

Okay, once you've watched all of Randall's videos, why don't you come on over to one of my favorite websites called Totally Looks Like? This is basically a site of things/people that look like other things/people. Yep. That's it. Check this genius move - Cee Lo Green totally looks like Raphael (my favorite Ninja Turtle - ooh, that temper!):The whole website is pretty genius. Have a lookie!

Okay, let's get back to videos. Ever heard of Legion of Rock Stars? Um...it's basically more voiceovers. But with popular songs!
I cannot hear "Mother" in a regular way anymore. I can't even sing along to it because all I remember is this hilarious version. I also highly recommend The Lion Sleeps Tonight and I'm On Fire by Bruce Springsteen. Oh god, Bruce, I'm so sorry!

Let's see, what else is hilarious? Oh, I know. Go to google images. Google "smiling dogs." Tell me what you think of that! Here's a sneak peek, in case my mere suggestion doesn't entice you enough:

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Now, this next one isn't exactly hilarious, but it may very well leave you laughing with joy! Check out Bel Biv Devoe's brief reunion on Jimmy Fallon here. Oh BBV, you totally get it.

Back to hilarity. Here's a picture of Dawson from Dawson's Creek crying:

Poor guy.

This next one will probably take you a little while, so maybe it can be saved for a more substantial break. Go to Yearbook Yourself and upload some pictures of your damn face, and watch yourself travel through the decades. Oh lord. I'm such a sucker for these things. If you don't have time to do your own, you can just check out some of my albums (you probably have to be my facebook friend and signed in to view these. It's worth it, dudes). Here's a good example:
Yep, that's my siblings and I in Chess Club. Classy times.

Hey, there's always trailers for legitimate movies! Like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, starring, who else, Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson:

Totally legitimate.

Aaaaannnddd...let's close by revisiting a classic: A Giant List of Hobo Names. Good ole Whispering-Lies McGruder. He's a classic, he is.

I do hope I've brought a little laughter into your lives, my friends. When I was a child, my father taught me to laugh when I felt scared. So maybe that's really what's happening here. Whatever the reason, I know I've appreciated taking breaks, turning off a couple of switches in my brain (and that one was me mother's idea - what smart parents I have!), and finding a little hilarity in life. Whoops, I mean in the internet. Much love to all you awesomes who have been working so hard - you are amazing!

Legitimate Internet Search: Raw Chicken Implanted In Your Butt

I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet. Well, no. More like short and weird and confusing. I have this thing on my blog called Feedjit. It tells me (and anybody who wants to look) how people arrive on my blog. So it shows a location, a website from which they arrived (if any), and possibly a search term. For example, perhaps somebody in Washington DC could search for my blog by going to Google and searching "this is how I will get famous" and it would show up as such. Actually, I wrote a whole entry about it a little while ago. Pretty cool, eh?

Most of the searches that land on my blog include things like "inappropriate facebook status" because of this entry and "surviving Wisconsin winters" because of this one, and occasionally "Tommy used to work on the docks" because of this ole guy. There are plenty of real winners up in there. For example:

Have a click on there to read it closely. Damn crazy people. Sexy hobo romance! In the last couple of days, I've seen some more ridiculous - and new! - searches that have led to my blog. Have a lookie:

Royal Oak, Michigan arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: So Long, Ole Snaggletooth. Hello Regular Guy." by searching for "snaggletooth man saying i look better than you, i look better than you."

Oh yes, for real. And then again today:

Easley, South Carolina arrived from ask.com on "this is how i will get famous: So Long, Ole Snaggletooth. Hello Regular Guy." by searching for "can i have my snaggletooth removed and replaced with a fake tooth?."

Do people actually call it a snaggletooth? Man, I was kidding when I said that! Well, good job everybody. I guess. Good luck with your damn snaggleteeth.

Snaggletooth is all fine and good, but the one that took the cake this week was this:

Yes indeed, that actually says Beaumont, Texas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: You've Got to Know Your Chicken" by searching for "raw chicken implanted in your butt."

WHY?! What is going on?! What IS this, even? Do people implant raw chicken in their butts? Is this a thing? As I sat and wondered, guess what else popped up on the ole feedjit this morning:


Yep, it's true. This one says Boston, Massachusetts arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Inappropriate Facebook Statuses" by searching for facebook's famous inappropriate chicken in your butt

COME ON. America, what the hell is happening to you? I feel just about done with you and your craziness. I'll stick with all the foreigners who arrive on my blog by searching "famous busted," thank you very much. Seriously, there are like 4-5 of those ones a week. Jeez...

I'm Sort of Feeling Like an Ass Tonight

Hey. Ever heard of photobombing? It's just a creative way of saying that you're either 1) ruining people's nice pictures, or 2) being a genius. Examples:


Look. There were like 28 of us at a White Sox game, and I didn't give an eff about the score of the stupid sports game, and I was trying to have some fun. Hence, this awesomeness. Sometimes photobombing also happens at family functions. Weddings, birthday parties, barbecues...you name it!


Sometimes one might even photobomb the first time they ever meet a person!
And sometimes, photobombs don't really happen on purpose. These are the photobombs that make me the most nervous, because what the hell happened here?!
Anyhow, photobombs are a beautiful thing. There's a whole website dedicated to photobombing. And you know what? I've submitted at least five of the above photos, and none of them have been posted by the website. None! Lame. I'm going to start my own website that's all about me and how awesome I am, and I'll photobomb the hell out of everything and post every single picture. Just wait until you see that website.

Maybe this is how I will get famous...

The Current Theme Is Hilarious Animals

It's no secret that I love animals. In every journal I had as a child, I wrote that I wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian. But then one year I found out I'd have to give animals shots, and that dream went out the window. But I kept the love for animals going throughout the years, mostly with my appreciation of dogs with their heads hanging out car windows. It's a pretty common phenomenon, actually; in fact, there's a whole facebook group dedicated to just that! Although pictures do not even do these dogs justice, here's what I'm talking about (picture from here):

Look how great that dog looks! So free and wind-blown, without a care in the world!

Where was I? Hmm. Animals are great. Especially when they're being funny. Lately, I've been really excited about this website called This Is Photobomb. Although most of the pictures they post on there are hilarious, the funniest to me are the ones where animals photobomb. I mean, it's not like animals are doing this on purpose....or are they?! Observe (all pictures from This Is Photobomb):



A seal! Photobombing a group of penguins! It's just too funny for me sometimes. So I have to resort to watching videos. Of hilarious animals, duh. Look:



And this. This, my friends, is my new favorite thing. I have watched it at least eight times today, and will most likely continue that trend in the days to come. This goat is the greatest goat ever to live!


And that is what I have to say tonight.

Benny Hill?!

Oh my god. I'm laughing so hard! Okay, so a year or two ago, I came across this video on the youtube that ended up being one of my favorite things of all time. In fact, I included it in a previous post about how to get out of a bad mood. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Check it out:



Oh lord, that one gets me every time! So my wonderful L'il Brudder, Emil, loves Lord of the Rings so much. And while I do hate to mock what he holds dear, that about which he is so passionate, I just can't stop. As if the Lord of the Rings Funny Voices wasn't enough, I had to find this one youtube:



The Benny Hill Theme?! This totally ruins the seriousness and beauty of Lord of the Rings, doesn't it? It's sacrilege really, to be laughing at something so passionate and pure. But...maybe we should just have one more giggle...Aragorn?! Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh???



Damn you Benny Hill!!! I'm shaking my fist at the sky and grabbing your collar simultaneously. Why are you such a genius? This song, also known as "Yakety Sax" (oh I'm very serious), is pure comic gold. Although I was more than satisfied with the Lord of the Rings clips, I wondered if there were any more out there, and whether they'd be as funny...

I recommend focusing on the storm troopers:


Look at Shelley Duvall's face! She thinks it's hilarious too!


Explosions in the water! People dying! WooooOOOO!


And of course, the thing that scared me the most out of anything when I was a child...now, hilarious!


Oh Benny Hill! You certainly do slay me! There's a Matrix one too, but I can't embed it. I strongly suggest you check it out though, as all the identical guys falling down is bound to make you bust out. Whew!

Alright, that's probably enough. So, to close, I'll just show you this video of a shrimp. A SHRIMP. Running on a treadmill somehow. To a certain perfect and hilarious soundtrack. Enjoy!

Mark Lindsay is a Genius

Are you familiar with the website Awkward Family Photos? It's a good one, although not my favorite because I think it ripped off Sexy People, but that's another story. Anyhow, I check AFP pretty often, and saw a hilarious entry today entitled Mind of a Married Man. Check it out:



Awesome. Obviously. So, being the hilarious gal I am, I immediately posted a link on my friend Mark's facebook wall, asking why this brilliant idea wasn't included in his recent wedding photos. Well, my friends, as hilarious a gal as I may be, Mr. Mark Lindsay is just this much more hilarious. Not but 47 minutes later, I received a post from him, simply stating "Who says it wasn't??" and the following picture:



And I though I was hilarious. Well shut my mouth.

P.S. That's Mark and his wife Alexa. Get it?

I Love the Internet

The internet is so awesome, man. There's this thing you can put on your blog to see how people arrive on your blog; it shows the city they're in, what website they arrived from, and, if they searched for something, what the search terms were. I've been watching it for a few months now and copying some of the more hilarious ones. Some of them make sense, but others...what the eff? Why do at least two people a day, usually in Europe, search for "Famous Busted?" Anyhow, enjoy:

San Francisco, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Snow Day #1" by searching for "Famous gross snow"

Newport Beach, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for gay apparel long beach.

Lynchburg, Virginia arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: So Stupid...and So Worth It" by searching for harold and maude analysis stupid.

Miami, Florida arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous" by searching for Thank you, Luis. I will get this processed this afternoon..

United States arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for michael mcdonald's deck the hall son.

Camarillo, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: How To Make Your Own Spring Break! Part One: The Road Trip" by searching for how to make your profile so awesome that your friends will get so jelous.

Stony Brook, New York arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: July 2009" by searching for Andrew Feliciano.

Dallas, Texas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Weenus?" by searching for WENUS weekly estimated.

Euless, Texas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: The Inevitable Family Tendencies - Part One: Meat and Television." by searching for eating meat is inevitable.

Kent, Washington arrived from search.conduit.com on "this is how i will get famous: Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up" by searching for famousbusted.

Meriden, Connecticut arrived from search.yahoo.com on "this is how i will get famous: A Wave + A Hug = Broken Ribs" by searching for how to move bedridden person with broken ribs.

Jackson, Mississippi arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: STYX and Larry Sweeney - One Magical Night" by searching for why dont they play mr roboto in a styx concert anymore.

New Haven, Connecticut arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Xiao and Tell" by searching for "xiao and tell".

Memphis, Tennessee arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up" by searching for busted up, raggedy cars.

Wroclaw, Dolnoslaskie arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for TIS ALL Gay.

Madison, Wisconsin arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for gays at olin park madison wi.

Soyaux, Poitou-Charentes arrived from google.fr on "this is how i will get famous: Happy Love Day!" by searching for happy love days mu.

Tampa, Florida arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for last minute sexy detective costume.
18:16:31 -- 1 hour 41 mins ago

Madison, Wisconsin arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for last minute sexy detective costume.
18:06:53 -- 1 hour 51 mins ago

Templeton, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for last minute sexy detective costume.

Madison, Wisconsin arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for madison sexy halloween.

Atlanta, Georgia arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for weenus sexy ghostbuster whoops a daisy. (Okay, to be honest, this was my sister and she did it on purpose just so it would show up. That magnificent bastard!)

Fresno, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous" by searching for DO FAMOUS PEOPLE GET FAMOUS BY MAKING A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

Portland, Oregon arrived from blogsearch.google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for me as a sexy nurse on halloween.

Los Angeles, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous" by searching for "this is my friend" cat ass tattoo blogspot.

Bozeman, Montana arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for bored sexy food cool happy .

Jonesboro, Arkansas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for gay first christmas together ornament.


And a few bonus tracks from the Dream Blog, the One Second Time Machine

Zagreb, Grad Zagreb arrived from google.hr on "One Second Time Machine: Nursing School, Sex, Hairy Toes, Oh my!" by searching for hairy school sex.

Barrie, Ontario arrived from google.com on "One Second Time Machine: How To Put On A Bathing Suit" by searching for how to put on a bathing suit.

Modesto, California arrived from google.com on "One Second Time Machine: Nursing School, Sex, Hairy Toes, Oh my!" by searching for my girlfriend has hairy toes.

Antalya arrived from google.com.tr on "One Second Time Machine: Nursing School, Sex, Hairy Toes, Oh my!" by searching for oh hairy sex.

Melbourne, Victoria arrived from google.com.au on "One Second Time Machine: Hash Browns" by searching for hash brown machine.

Inappropriate Facebook Statuses

A little over three months ago, I wrote my sister an email. It looked like this:

So I've been thinking about this for about a year - I want to do a blog entry that's all just "inappropriate facebook status updates." They don't have to be over the top, but the reaction of the reader who's only distantly or not-so-familiarly connected to me would be like "ugh...TMI, but just a little." Something like that, you know? Not offensive, not disgusting, just like "man, why did you have to write that?! Now I feel all funny and am going to think of this when I see you at work."

I think I want to start on ongoing list and post it when it gets significantly awesome. Wanna start it up with me? I unfortunately usually base mine around poo, which I'll hold off on a bit for your sake. But I was inspired to do this one tonight:

Reem wants to try on a bunch of dresses tonight, but is too lazy to put on a bra.

Lemme know if you got any.

And so, it began. Since that day, July 28th, 2009, my sister and I have been compiling a list of inappropriate facebook statuses. Some time later, Ela joined in, and we made this list. There seem to be some common themes, mostly having to do with bodily functions. Also, we've used a list of names from around the world, and mostly, from around Sara's head. Enjoy!


Of the Boogers and Noses Persuasion

Laith's nose is unbelievably full of boogers. Fuller than it's ever been!

Shaquille's boogers resemble ectoplasm

Tyler just sneezed and peed a little

Sierra just found a booger in her mouth!

Dakota just blew her nose and a bunch of blood came out.


Poo, Pee, and Farts

Kermit just can't stop pooping this morning

Oscar is confused. He ate corn TWO nights ago, so why is it in his poop this morning??

Anastasia ate a bucket of beets last night and is still peeing purple.

Lois has pooped in all sorts of public places today!

Jebediah accidentally farted in his coworker's chair!

Jeremiah ate a ton of that leftover meat from Juliana's and now has gas like he's never before experienced...YOW!

Coach's farts smell like kabobs


That One Area in General - You Know the One I'm Talking About!

Beverly popped a ginormus butt zit!

Ramona just ran out of tampons

Beezus pulled a groin muscle!

Tallulah just had her colon cleansed and a worm shot out the tube and gave her the finger!

Henry has an appointment with the butt doctor!

Megdi just had his annual prostate exam!!


For Some Reason...Armpits

Roberta nicked her armpit while shaving and DAMN does the deodorant sting!

Alan just found deodorant crusties in his pits


Showering and Bathing: a Retrospective

Jezebel is amazed that her hair looks amazing even though she has not bathed in 5 days.

Hercules thinks that after going four days without one, it's time to take a shower. the hair is not looking so good.

Jerkules should have probably taken a shower prior to her bikini wax appointment


Miscellaneous

Consuela can't identify where the cat pee smell is comign from - but its definitly IN the house

Esme is going to pick up her refill of anti-depressents!

Jemima wants to try on a bunch of dresses tonight, but is too lazy to put on a bra.

Luai doesn't know HOW he passed that drug test!

Hazel just noticed she lost her necklace ... and then found it ... in her bosoms


I mean, seriously everybody. Do you want your coworkers knowing all this about you? Discretion is a beautiful thing. I suggest you use it.

What to Do on a Crabby Ass Morning

I'm having trouble with the capitalization of the title of this blog. What to do? What To Do? I don't even know. And I don't even care.

So I woke up this morning feeling groggy and crabby, which is really unusual for me, especially as of late. Because, you know, I feel pretty wonderful the majority of the time. Honestly, I do. So it wasn't a very pleasant or fun way to wake up feeling all gross and tired and bitchy. Not fun to anybody else, I'm sure, and especially not fun to me! Boooo!

So what does one do in these situations? I mean, sure, there's always the retroactive solutions of Get more sleep, Don't be up until 3 am when you have to wake up at 8 am, Do not drink a giant iced coffee and a giant iced latte in one day, Eat something more substantial than carbs all day. Sure, real easy to say now! It's today! That was yesterday! So really, what good could that do me this morning? None, I tell you. Instead, I turn to the internet. The following are things that always lift my spirits, make me feel less crabby and more awesome, and sometimes even cause me to "Laugh Out Loud." Check them out:


Shark Attack 3! I found this clip one day when I searched youtube for "giant shark." It's an absolute cinematic masterpiece. Oh, and check out the smug son of a bitch at the very end. BOOM!



"Lord of the Rings Funny Voices." I've never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies (and for this I believe my brother wants to disown me), but I did come across this video long ago. Emil tells me it's a beautiful scene in which Frodo wakes up after a big battle and, after thinking all of his friends are dead, find out that they actually are not! Bonus fact: I had to google "Elijah Wood Lord of the Rings" to figure out the name "Frodo." Sorry, Emil. Anyhow, check out this alternate version with hilarious voice-overs:



My sister's blog entry on "Naughty Arabic." One beautiful day, Sara and Emil sat in the living room and compiled a list of words that are totally normal in Arabic, but sound dirty in English. I'll say no more - check out this brilliance.


Hobo Names! Here is a list of 700 hobo names. A little something to tickle your fancy and peak your curiosity:
#21: Mr. Wilson Fancypants
#22: Floyd Dangle
#23: Shane Stoopback
#24: Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes
#25: Normal-Face Olaf
You totally want to click here.


Sexy People! Always good for a laugh. Recently copied by Awkward Family Photos, I prefer Sexy People's more streamlined, focused approach. To laughing at people. Take Ron, for example...

Check it!


If you're not feeling better by now, there's probably something wrong with you. I mean seriously, you've probably got a very serious problem that may be untreatable. Or, you know, maybe we just have different taste in humor. Whatever man. If you still haven't laughed yet, just google "hobo," or look at clips of the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job, or go on youtube and look up "world burping champion" and see what you come up with. And best of luck with your cold, dead, humorless soul. God, how about a smile once in awhile? Jeez....

A Wave + A Hug = Broken Ribs

Okay. So...I think maybe I have a cracked or bruised one of my ribs. I'm not positive how it happened, but I'm thinking maybe it came from a big hug sort of thing? Where I got picked up off the ground? Suck. I'm pissed.

Anyhow, I laid down on my bed about an hour after this particular hug, after having been at the drink, yes, so I didn't quite notice the pain at first. I knew something felt weird, but I thought I'd just sleep it off. The next morning, I felt this sort of pain at the top of my left ribcage. It wasn't that bad yesterday, but today it really hurts. It's hard for me to sit up after I've been lying down, and it really hurts when I cough, sneeze, or laugh. Needless to say, it's made this weekend a bit difficult...

I thought I'd be resourceful and look up "broken ribs" online. I knew already that you can't do anything to help heal broken ribs. But I thought I'd research anyhow. Apparently, it takes them one to two months to heal, and you pretty much have to just let it happen on its own. Double suck.

Despite the annoyance, I did come across this interesting advice...there are a few words here and there that really puzzle me. I'm wondering if it was translated from another language and there was some kind of glitch that randomly messed up some of the words. "I enjoy been to the doctor?" "clutch it easy?" I don't get it. Check it out...

my mom twisted and she thinks any her rib or something dislocated, she is going to the doctor tomorrow but what do you think they will do??

Answers:
How long does a sprain bring to heal? I enjoy been to the doctor for that. If you crack, dislocate, or even break a rib, in that is very little to be done. They will not put a style or even a brace on it.. ribs are very concrete to stabilize (every time you breathe, they move) They will probably perscribe an expensive version of ibuprofen (for misery and swelling) and possibly an antibiotic. You simply have to clutch it easy and tolerate your body heal itself. Save your self the trouble, unless your rib is broken and have punctured your lung so that you need emergency attention to detail, there is not much explanation to go to the doctor for this. It may hurt for a while, so only take your ibuprofen - I be told that you can take up to 800mg every six hours. But i.e. kind of alot so I might whip like 600 instead.

What the hell?

When I was on a vacation in Mexico with my parents and brother and his friend Art, I remember being out in the ocean with my father, who is an unbelievably bad swimmer. As in, he cannot swim. At all. The waves got bigger and bigger and one finally knocked my dad over. I swam over to him and helped him up. All seemed fine until a couple of weeks later...

It turns out, he was still feeling a lot of pain, so he went and got an x-ray done. And lo and behold...he'd cracked two ribs and one of his vertebrae. From an effing wave.

Hugs and waves. Really?

On the plus side, I finally got the Exploded Keytar Tshirt from Oddica that I've wanted for about a year. I guess this weekend isn't a total Suck Fest. Yay!



ADDENDUM

I have to share a letter that Tara's father sent out to some friends after a night of debauchery. Just FYI, he is Wire Nutz and his wife is Fuze Blower. Oh my god.

Howdy All,

As I sit here bedridden recovering from severely bruised ribs, all I can think of is Jimmy Buffet's Wasted Away in Margaretville - "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame". At least that was my immediate thought as I was on my knees trying to catch my breath. While dancing to some amazing zydeco music, Fuze Blower spun me and I went flying into the table holding the Birthday Cake. The table survived, I did not.

I next moved on to blaming the Birthday Boy and his fantastic playlist. It seemed logical to move on and blame the DJ. "But I know hell, it could be my fault."

I briefly thought about blaming the excellent choice of beer (Bells Two Hearted Ale), but I have surrendered to the Zen of Buffet - "I know it's my own damn fault".

The ER doctor informed me that my injury will heal slowly and remain painful for several days. Right now I'm resting comfortably, but the pain pills affect my ability to drive and think clearly. I'm not able to lift anything - I can barely stand. Nurse Fuze is doing a fine job of providing me with care, but I think I'm beginning to wear down her bedside manner.

I look forward to getting up and around again soon. Fuze Blower has recommended that I sign up for one of the classes at the Y that helps the elderly - Balance and Stability Training. Remember it is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

"But there's booze in the blender and soon it will render,
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on."

On! On!

The Bruised but not Broken,
Wire Nutz

In The Face!

Okay, so thanks to Daniella, I have yet another time waster. You know how you can make your own "avatar" or whatever? Well, I've never given an eff about it before, but for some reason I tried this one. I think I was avoiding writing some stupid work emails. So yeah. Here you go...

This is me, duh. Check the cleave!

This is Genia! In her red Sarah Palin blazer.

And yes, this is my father. With a sort of mad face.

I tried to make one of my sister, but she just ended up looking like me. Sara, you want to try? And I couldn't get my mom's hair right. And my brother just looked like every Eastern European guy you've ever seen, for some reason...I may try these again though. You should try!

I just tried to make Weird Al, but it didn't work very well.

ADDENDUM
Tara made herself - apparently they have no nose ring?


And here is my sister, Sara, who made a much more valiant effort than I.


Here is cousin Luai, complete with a thumbs up! Genius...

Tumbling is Better Than Pumping

I think there was something about running into two olders unexpectedly that made me choose not to run into another older expectantly. Does that make sense?

I was planning on going somewhere tonight where I knew I would 100% see somebody from my past who was a big deal when he was in my life and a bigger deal when he was not supposed to be in it. And it's weird, because I thought I'd been angry and scared for over a year, but recently I found out I wasn't. How bout it. And it made tonight seem easier.

But I didn't go. Because I think I was already shaken up enough from the earlier unplanned run-ins that occurred today, and as confident as I felt about this one being fine, I'm a cautious, cautious lady lately.

I'm trying to keep a close watch.

Yikes. How vague. I hate that. So I will counteract with the following:

Last night at Mickey's I hung out with Genia and Schabow and Shane and his handsome friend Adam. Handsome Adam. Hadam. Hadsome? Adsome. This is a tough one. Anyhow, Shane and Adam informed us of a wonderful video about pumping...remember pumping? It's when somebody is wearing a long sleeved shirt and they put one arm inside the shirt, but the sleeves go together in a loop with the other hand holding the opposite sleeve. The the hand inside the shirt "pumps" like a cartoon heartbeat, alternating with the hand in the sleeve, which creates a loop round the pumping. Jesus. Okay, just watch:

I totally did it in the mirror in the bathroom by myself. Everybody rules.

humanoid

I saw the original one a few months ago when I looked up my first name on youtube. You know, I just wanted to make sure there weren't any secret videos on the internizzle that I didn't know about. Just playing it safe, babies! Safety rules.

Anyhow, I was recently informed of this new version. The B version. New and improved beyond belief. You won't believe my skills.



I apologize in advance for not removing the cap on the coke bottle. What a jackass.

why I love youtube

All I did was search "biggest douchebag" and this is what came up.