Sunday, December 21, 2008

Surviving the Wisconnie Winters

Oh, Wisconnie. You and your winters. You really don't give us a break, do you? Here we are, today, the first day of winter, and already we've been through several snowstorms and winter storm warnings. 10 plus inches of snow on Friday, another snow day a week and a half before, and plenty in between. Seriously, Wisconnie, give it a rest.

Although I complain a lot about it all, and sometimes feel a little crazy and like I've lost part of my mind, I do take comfort in the fact that, at least, I've learned how to deal with it. Yesterday we got another 4 or so inches of snow, and today the temperature is -5 degrees. Not the windchill; that's somewhere between -25 and -30. This is the actual temperature, in fahrenheit. I think that would be something like -20 centigrade. I knew at some point that I'd have to go dig my car out and maybe shovel the sidewalk in order to be a good neighbor. So, I thought I'd give you all a little "How To" on staying warm and looking glamorous, all whilst doing something productive.

As a precursor to these pictures, I must state that I am officially throwing any ounce of vanity I ever had out the window. Instead of being horrified about posting pictures of myself in long underwears all over the internet, I'm having a little giggle about it and thinking more so of the comedic value. This is my Christmas gift to all of you. Enjoy:

How to Survive a Wisconsin Winter
1.) Tie your hair back in a ponytail. You won't have time for any nonsense once you're out in the tundra.

2.) Wear an undershirt. Yes, plain white works well, but I prefer the more festive magenta with polka dots.

3.) Put on your first layer of socks. These ones in particular are black wool with light blue snowflakes all over them. Highly recommended.

4.) Put on your second layer of socks. Those would be my brother Emil's old soccer socks. They come out about three times a year, especially for this occasion. These are great because they fit over the first giant pair of socks, and they go up to your knees.

Also, they're obviously very sexy, especially layered over the green long underwears. Uh oh! Things are starting to look a bit lumpy! Like I said earlier, totally glamorous.

5.) Put on your top long underwears. This is probably the point of me throwing the ole vanity out the window. An entire suit of long underwears. Ugh...

6.) Apply arm warmers, to keep your wrists warm. These are valuable wrists I've got here, folks. Gotta keep them warm.

7.) Add an additional top and bottom layer. Those are regular blue jeans on the bottom, found at many clothing stores. Let me know if you have trouble finding them. On top is another long underwear shirt, this one slightly cuter. I may have lost some of my dignity with this blog, but I still want to wear a cute shirt once in awhile.

8.) Put on a scarf and a hat. My suggestion for these is that there be no holes in the scarf or hat. Yes, it may be a little dorky to wear a Nightmare Before Xmas hat, but it's warm. Suck it up. Make sure the scarf covers your ears and entire neck in the back. Go around your neck twice with it, then tie in a tight knot in front. This specific application helps to make sure you drool all over the inside of your scarf whilst outside...classy, as always!

9.) Next, you'll want to put on your boots. Not the cute boots you bought from the big Boot Sale the other day - these are the waterproof, sort of ugly, practical boots you keep in the back of your closet. Put these on. Struggle to get them to zip up over your numerous socks. Pants get tucked in.

10.) Look for every glove you own. Use the stretchy cheap kinds as the first layer, and the big bulky kind as the second layer. Try and make it so your fingers can still move, sort of. Also try not to get something fluffy on your tongue like I did today, because you'll have to take all those gloves off, and that's a pain in the ass, frankly.

11.) Put on your winter coat over all of this. Take off your damn gloves to zip it up, all the way past your chin. If you have a hood, put it up. Then, put another scarf around it all. You'll look great.

12.) One last finishing touch...sunglasses! These are for either if it's sunny, or if your eyes need protection from the wind. Try and have them be giant and match part of your outfit.

13.) When you come back inside, take off everything you're wearing and put it in a big pile on the floor. Eat a lot of chocolate covered pretzels in your regular underwears, not your long underwears. You've had enough of those...


Unknown said...

I really could have used this post before I left Texas. I had completely forgotten how necessary every layer was. I really needed this how-to, thanks Reem.

Sara Ashes said...

you're making me not want to come home!!!! Its 70 degrees in Georgia!!

the fact that you are willing to sacrifice your dignity for the sake of comedy is terric and very Will Ferrell of you!!

Reem Tara said...

I thought specifically of you two and the Irish cousins who will be visiting after Christmas. Maybe I should have waited until you had all arrived...

Lameis said...

I'm reading this in my room,with my hood up, under my blankets with my space heater on and dying of laughter, this is the best thing I've ever read and I loved the pictures, thank you for sharing. I looked a little bit like the picture with the scarf over your face when I was outside digging my friends car out earlier. Thanks for pointing out the lighter side!

SophisticatedBrew said...

woah, i'm so impressed. i'm way not good at layering or thinking about wearing gloves or hats most of the time, let alone a scarf or sunglasses. my favorite part is the pile on the floor.

i do imaging that wearing layers + sexyness = HOT

Way to stay warm!

Bea said...

Thank you for the amazingly detailed step-by-step!!! On the 10-inch day I did not have to shovel a driveway but I did have to shovel my car out of a snowbank... I assume the directions are the same??? It will save me much woe in the future, I'm sure. :) WISCONSIN! I love it and hate it.

Valerie said...

omg amazing. yes reem, this is how it's done. i don't wear quite as many layers, because the only time i go outside is to shovel snow, ski, sled, etc. exercise. but if i were ever to go outside for no reason, i would go back to this blog and follow directions exactly.

jx said...

haaaa! my favorite part: Also try not to get something fluffy on your tongue...

oh the agony that comes after the laughter.

that was marvelous, reem.

nicole said...

Reem, you are a riot! I am seriously missing winter down here (very surprising) in Louisiana.

I'd like to add one more piece of advice my mother gave me, and she has given me a lot. But this little tidbit helps on those bone-chilling days: wear a coat that covers your bum. It's amazing how much heat we lose out of those muscles!

louise totonchi said...

Reem, What a great dicription.
I have a tip for you to keep warm, wear plastic gloves (the ones we use at work) under reg. gloves and you will stay nice and toasy, your hands at least.
Cant wait to see you!
Bring the layers, you will need them at home also!

Reem Tara said...

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Moms!!! That's a comment from my mom, dudes! Yay!

Unknown said...

besides the drool in the scarf, I hate when your nose schnitzels in it - you are talented, hilarious and beautiful - inside and out xoxoxoxox