Snow Day #1!!!

I always have really good intentions to document every little adventure I have, but I rarely follow through completely. I stress the word little, however, since the stuff I write about is rarely an adventure, really. I just make it sound way exciting, you see? Today was TOTALLY an adventure though! It was a Snow Day here in Wisconnie - the first of the winter. Oh wait, it's not even winter yet. And we still got 6 and 1/2 inches of snow. And our total so far for the year is something like 17 inches already. What's the deal, Mother Nature? Crazy Lady...

Anyhow, I digress. Snow Days makes me sort of stir crazy and all ramble-y, so I'm not sure how this whole "blogging" thing is going to go today. To be fair, I did leave the house, which was part of the adventure. But the day started out with me being very, very lazy...I made attempts to do some documenting. Let's have a lookie, shall we?

I woke up at 7 am to check the weather. When I saw that the Madison schools had closed, I called my home school families to cancel morning lessons. I then stayed in my pajamas and glasses and greasy hair until 1 pm, dreading the inevitable shoveling I'd have to do. I'll be honest though - I did not shovel for a single second today. By the time I actually even looked out the window, Xiao and my downstairs neighbor had done it all already. I'm slightly obsessed with Xiao today (if you don't know who Xiao is, do a little research here and here). When I talked to him, he was out shoveling The Lanai, which got covered in snow last winter, and had basically done the whole thing already. Here's how it went down:

Me: Xiao, you didn't have to do this!
Xiao: No, it's fine, we're all together here
Me: What? Okay, well thank you so much! Next time, please save some for me to shovel!
Xiao: It's fine! We're good neighbors!
Me: Oh...okay...yeah! Well I'll help with the driveway next time.
Xiao: No, you just stay inside and get better. Feel better!

Oh. I'm not sick, Xiao. Maybe it was just the greasy hair and pajamas. Whoops a daisy.

Okay, enough shameless links to my own damn blog. Here are some pictures of the beautiful snow, and the even more beautifully shoveled driveway:





The view from inside my car:



So, with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I decided to meet Genia at Mother Fools, the local coffee shop. I like Mother Fools just fine, but sometimes I get a little bored there. And what's the cure for boredom on a Snow Day like today, my friends? That's right! Booze!!! I carefully filled my flask with this really gross minty liquor called Rumplemintz (I think it's from a year ago) and brought it along with me...so smart! Here's me with my flask:



As grody as Rumplemintz may be, it works perfectly with a nice hot chocolate drink.

(that's about half booze, by the way)

Sometimes they're disapproving at Mother Fools, so I had to carefully hide the flask in my purse and add it to my drink under the table, stealthily.



And here is Miss Genia, who joined me in company, but not in boozing it up.


I then made a beautiful dinner at my house and forgot to document it. Suck! These good intentions always taper out at some point...But yes, this was Snow Day #1! I'm sure there will be many more to come, and I'm very sure I'll be way more of a crab on those days. Don't you worry about a thing baby, you can always count on me to be a crab in the winter.

What Did I just Take?

So the recovery from the Lanai Party was relatively easy, with the exception of the all of a sudden leaky pipes under my kitchen sink. Ew, that sounded like some kind of sexual metaphor. Grody. Anyhow, the pipes were leaking anytime water went down the drain. There was a giant puddle under there, and I think it smelled a little bit funny...grody again.

Yesterday, I thought I'd try my hand at being a fix-it-lady, and leaned over to take a closer look. I gingerly touched a pipe with one finger, and water sprayed out everywhere. Obviously, this is not a job for me. I'd probably cry or something, a la the Bat Incident.

Anyhow, lucky for me, I've got Xiao and Tell for landlords. Xiao, the real fix-it-lady, came in this morning to take a look...

Xiao (as he has his head under the sink): You're sick! You're sick in your nose!
Me: Yeah, I've been sick for a bit
Xiao: Okay, okay, hold on. I will get medicine for you
Me: Oh, that's okay, I have some...

Too late! Xiao is already scampering down the stairs to his car. I watch him from the window as he paws through a large backpack. He them scampers back up.

Xiao: Okay, this is traditional Chinese medicine. It's from my mother. She takes care of herself, she knows what's good.

He hands me a little package that looks like this:



Me: Okay...thanks...what do I do with it?
Xiao: Oh yeah, I don't know, let me read it.

He then shines a flashlight on the back of the package (although the sunlight was coming in through the window 3 feet to his right) and reads silently to himself.



Xiao: Okay, now you take 6 of these, and then you take a nap. Later you take 6 more, and again, 6 more before bed. It will be gone tomorrow! You will see!

And with that, the sink was fixed and I had 18 new pills to take. They looked kind of like yellow M&Ms, I think...



So I took the six of them. And I guess we'll just have to see how this goes...

Going Batty (sorry, I had to)

Where do I even begin...?

Well, I should probably begin with me, I guess. I am sometimes a little paranoid and irrational, as well as a jumpy son of a gun. Once I was out at picnic point with Lia and Elsworth and JV, and there was some animal getting in the trash about 20 feet from us. I was terrified; I "hid" by standing up on a bench, huddling behind Lia, and watching what I thought was a bear. I'm pretty sure I ran back to the car, and if you have ever met me, it's probably pretty clear that running does not happen too often in my life. Later, my father made fun of me severely, taunting me with "Oh yes, Reemie, I'm sure there are many bears in Madison. Yes, I'm sure they spend time right by the university with all the young people drinking. In the middle of a mid-sized city with a population of a few hundred thousand people." You get the idea. He was probably right though. I was being pretty irrational. It was most likely a raccoon. Maybe a giant, horse sized raccoon, but a raccoon nonetheless.

Another time, when I was 23 and working in a preschool in the basement of a church, it was my job to open the building in the mornings. I was alone in the dark classroom, and I went into the kids bathroom to make sure there was toilet paper. I looked around, and all of a sudden something caught my eye. There was a dead mouse floating in the toilet! I screamed and backed away. Why did I scream? I don't know. The mouse was clearly dead. I was alone. Nothing was going to happen. Still, I screamed. I knew the kids would be coming within the next fifteen minutes, and there would be a lot more screams (probably a lot cuter than mine) if I didn't take care of the situation. I put on two pairs of gloves - one latex and one of those yellow rubber dishwashing ones - and lifted the mouse out of the toilet. I think I may have put it in the trash...I don't remember. What I do remember is bumping into a door afterwards and having somebody's jacket fall off the door onto the floor. The sudden noise made my heart jump and I screamed again. Because of a jacket calling on the floor. A jacket and a dead mouse...and a blood curdling scream. It's a little ridiculous, don't you think?

But tonight. Tonight was different. The screaming and the heart jumping and the slamming of the doors and almost crying and sending out frantic texts was all totally rational tonight. You know why? Because there was a fucking BAT in my apartment. Right in my living room, flying back and forth into my kitchen. A bat. Fuck...

I had just returned home from a lovely evening at the High Noon, where there was a benefit for lovely Miss Erika. I'd also made a lovely stop at lovely Taco Bell because damn, I wanted a quesadilla up in here. I sat on my couch, watching the television a bit, checking the email a bit...all the usual. All of a sudden, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. What the fuck?? There's this monster of a creature flying over my head and zipping by right in front of my face. I cower on the couch with my legs flailing up in the air, brandishing a pillow over my head as I let out short little gasps and screams. The airborne monster flies back and forth from my kitchen to my living room, which is really just one big space, never stopping to land a single time. At this point I am absolutely freaking out. I HATE flying animals in any buildings; even birds in airports or Sam's Club creep me out, although they have all that wide open space. I've seen birds get in the house before, but never a bat. I was absolutely terrified.

I ran into my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I'd peek out from time to time, only to see the giant bat flying back and forth at breakneck speed. Several times, it seemed to turn and start flying right towards my hiding spot behind the door. At those points, I would once again slam the door. I'm sure my brand new downstairs neighbors appreciated this at 11:30 on a school night. I didn't know what to do, so I tried several things, all of which were stupid and pointless and did not help the situation. I threw a pillow across the room, and the bat ignored it. I ran across the room and opened the door to the hallway, which the bat went nowhere near. I managed to frantically gather my phone and computer (and for some reason, turn off the television) while the bat was in the kitchen for a minute. I ran back into my room and slammed the door again, bracing myself for a long night of being held hostage in my very own bedroom. Suck!

At this point I'm very close to crying. I send out a frantic text message to four people, only TWO of whom answered (Schabow and Uncle Juice, you two are in the dog house until further notice). And here, my friends, is where I must thank my lucky stars for the one and only Miss Genia, who called me back within minutes. She sounded slightly amused on the phone, and about ten trillion times calmer than I felt, and she said she'd come over. "I'm actually kind of excited about it," she confessed. Well Genia, your adventure is my nightmare. Keep that in mind.

Genia is a life saver. She came right over, instructed me to stay in the bathroom, grabbed a broom and a giant towel and was off on her way to save the day! As I sat, biting my nails and cringing, listening at the door to hear the action, I heard Genia calmly talking to the bat, saying such soothing things as "don't be stupid, little bat! Get out that door!" Through some act of brilliant genius, or talent, or whatever, she was able to get the bat out the back door and out onto the lanai. I cried a few tears of joy, and several tears of horror and hugged Genia as hard as I could. Now that's one badass woman right there.

Since I was in no shape to be in the same room whilst the great bat chase of 2008 was taking place, and I couldn't have asked Genia to do anything else, no pictures were taken. You know what you do when you can't get live pictures? You reenact. Below are the reenactment pictures of Genia fighting like a warrior and me acting like a total boner in the bathroom. Notice the one of me with my head down. I was most likely crying like a toddler during that one.

Genia wields her broom of steel:


Genia wields her towel of steel:


Reem bites her nails in the bathroom like a total boner:


Reem cries:


So yes, I'm terrified of a tiny little animal, which you all may find ridiculous, or hilarious. ButI know deep in your heart that one or two of you must be a bit concerned. What of the repercussions, you may ask? What of the victim in the this story? Yes, I may have acted like a wiener, but damn, this was a bit scarring! I can guarantee you that if I even end up sleeping tonight, the sleep will be oft interrupted by dreams of bats, intermingled with pirate ships and homework, I'm sure. Even as I sit here writing this, every time I close my eyes, I imagine a red tunnel with hundred of bats flying right towards me. And for some reason, the tunnel looks like the inside of a throat and the bats are all cartoons. Every noise I hear when I'm on my own will make me jump. I'll have to sleep with all the windows and doors closed for weeks to come. I'll be frightened every time I open a drawer or the refrigerator - maybe a bat will fly out! Every shadow I see will make me run under the covers or put up the hood of my jacket. I'll be forced to keep my hair in a ponytail just in case a bat gets in and tried to get all tangled up in my hair. I won't open my mouth for fear of a bat appearing and flying directly into it. Anybody remember the Simpsons episode where there are rats running around and Bart yells "Milhouse, don't open your mouth!" and as soon as he does, a bunch of rats land directly inside? Yeah. That's how it feels.

The last thing I'll mention is that I did a few other irrational things whilst waiting to hear back from the people I texted. I immediately went on facebook and changed my status to something like "reem needs help getting the bat out right now." I put on a lot more clothing; I put on pants, a hoodie that I zipped all the way up, and for some reason, a pink hat. I think it was the hair tangling theory there. Ugh. I considered going up to the attic to wake up Xiao and see if he could help me. I considered living in a hotel for the rest of my life. I most likely considered calling YOU. Look what you could have been a part of!

So that's the story of the bat. And how I, as a grown ass women, still act like a total baby. A paranoid, neurotic baby. Waa waa. Eat it.

Xiao and Tell

Although I've lived in two different apartments in the last three years, I've had the same landlords this entire time. My landlords are couple who live in Beloit, about an hour south of Madison. Their names are Anne and Xiao (pronounced "show"). Xiao is from China. He is about my height (short, I know...about 5'4") and probably about 110 pounds, soaking wet. He has longish, shaggy black hair and he usually wears a t-shirt and cargo shorts. His accent is often close to undecipherable (this, from the daughter of the foreigners!), but I can usually make out what he's saying.

Yesterday I ran into him and asked him if he could help me remove a couple of wasps nests that were forming on the lanai. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hi Xiao! I was wondering if you could take a look at these two wasp nests...
Xiao (interrupting): They will be gone by tomorrow.
Me: Oh, wow, great. Let me just show you...
Xiao (again, interrupting): No problem, no problem, you won't even see them tomorrow. They'll be gone.
Me: Oh great! That's so great. Thank...
Xiao: You won't even see them. They will not be there tomorrow.

Awesome. Xiao takes care of the business. Once he felt that I was completely convinced that I would never see those nests ever again, he asked me if the noise was bothering me lately (he's doing a ton of work in the attic and until recently would start hammering and sawing at about 8 am. I had a lovely conversation with Anne and they agreed not to start working until after 11. How nice!). I said things were fine, but I was sorry if he woke up early with nothing to do all morning. He replied with this:

No! This is wonderful! I wake up and relax for awhile, and then I work on my painting and drawing all morning! It's getting better...

How beautiful. It reminded me of a couple of other beautiful moments:

Xiao sits with me on the porch of my old house as I read the lease for my new apartment. All of a sudden, completely out of the blue...

Xiao: Do you watch the Discovery Channel?
Me: No, I don't have cable, but I like it when I do see it!
Xiao: Yesterday I watched this beautiful program. It was about all the animals of all the world. From every country. China, Egypt, The United States....all of them!

Another time, Xiao spotted the empty box from when I'd bought my digital piano. He was like "what in the world is that from?" and I explained that it was from the piano I bought. I swear, Xiao's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You have a piano??? Upstairs?!? In this very house??" That's basically what he said. I was like "yeah, come on up and see it!" As soon as he saw it, he started begging me to play. I literally played about 10 seconds of Für Elise before I heard him saying "So beautiful...so wholesome. So beautiful. Wholesome." Over and over again. Wholesome? Really? Sometimes, these days, when I'm playing without my headphones, I'll hear him in the attic walking over to the space right above where I'm playing and get quiet. I'm still working on not getting self-conscious during those times.

When Gwen and I first moved in together, one of the doors to her bedroom was missing. Xiao said he'd look for it, but that in the meantime, he could "hang a beautiful beaded curtain" in the doorway. He did this with several grand hand gestures.

The last thing I'll say about Xiao is that apparently one time he told Gwen that Begonia the cat "knows all the secrets of the world."

Okay, one more thing. The reaons we say "Xiao and Tell" is because Anne talks so much, so we call her Tell. It all makes sense, see?