Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy (Sexy) Halloween!

Oh yikes! Did you all know that it's Halloween? Whoops a daisy! The days pass very quickly as of late, and I sort of lost track of time. Also, I'm here in Madison for Halloween this year, which is not the norm for me. I'm usually partying with my sister down in Atlanta, as I've done for the past eight or so years. But this year I visited her for her birthday instead, so here I am in Madison without a clue as to what to do with myself! Although I did a bit of research last year around this time, it's all still pretty confusing; I've spent much of the last two days wandering around in a daze, asking people "what do you do here? What's happening? Where do I go? What do I wear?" Seriously, I'm confused. Do you wear the same costume on both nights? I don't understand.

In hopes of some last-minute resolve, I visited a couple of Halloween stores today: Mallatt's Pharmacy on Monroe Street, a classy, well-stocked family business, and Halloween Express, a total shit-hole out by the mall. Ugh, seriously, I started to feel all filthy in there. Like, literally filthy, as in dirty. You touch one thing in there and your hands smell like old latex for days. Anyhow, I found out a little bit about what people here in Madison do on Halloween, and what sorts of costumes one might wear. I've divided them up so you'll be able to understand better. God, I'm so helpful...Sorry in advance for many of the blurry pictures. It's really hard to take good pictures when everything is in a plastic bag and employees are giving you dirty looks...

Sometimes, people in Madison like to wear creepy wigs. Mallatt's has this line of wigs completely surrounding the inside of the building. It's pretty excessive, and they all have funny names like "Ringlet," "Peggy Sue," and "Romance Wig." Click here for what is probably the most hilarious and most comprehensive list of wigs ever! Make sure to check out the "Older Men Wigs" while you're there.
That black and white one is called "Shaggy Punk Style," I believe.
I couldn't believe how accurate this one was. It looks just like Sarah Palin! Well...Busted Up Sarah Palin. OH!!! Boom.

And special thanks to Genia for being my wig model. This is a Geisha Wig:
And a Giant Pompadour Wig:
Lookin' good, Genia!

Sometimes costumes in Madison come with an agenda. Oh Madison, you're always recycling! And in a positive way!

And sometimes costumes in Madison are just confusing. Who even thought of this?!

One thing that I noticed was that there were similar costumes for adults and children. The names of these costumes, however, are changed to make it appropriate, I guess. For example, here is Devil on Fire:
But here is Fancy Red Devil! See, everybody is happy!
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Sexy Angel:
And for the kids, Deluxe Angel:
It's a really nice reminder that someday, every person can grow up to be a sexy something or other. If they truly believe.

Okay, speaking of Sexy Somethings, is anybody else totally grossed out by like 90% of women's costumes out there? It's Sexy Everything! I mean, I'm familiar with the whole Sexy Nurse, Sexy Cat, and Sexy Santa ideas; I've despised them for years. But really, I think things are getting ridiculous. I found myself very confused and grossed out, mostly at Halloween Express, at some of these costumes:

Sexy...Detective! And yes, the company name is Leg Avenue. Ugh...
Sexy Ghostbuster! And thank the universe for Genia, who, after seeing this costume, proclaimed "more like vagina buster." YOW!
Oh good, at least this one is spooky. A Sexy Mummy. Really.
You know, Sugar and Spice. We'll take baking and cooking supplies, and sexify them up. Sexy Food! With outfits that have absolutely nothing to do with said food! Perfect.
Sexy Corpse Bride. Man, this is just stupid.

To be honest, I started to get a little paranoid at this point. You see, my brilliant idea for a costume this year was a sort of tongue-in-cheek version of one of these. I decided to be a Sexy something that is totally not sexy, and is extremely far-fetched, thusly being hilarious and poking a little fun at the whole Sexy Something costume. What did I decide on, you ask? Sexy Hobo, my friends. I'm going to be a Sexy Hobo for Halloween. I thought it was pretty hilarious and brilliant...don't you? Well, at this store, I actually started to doubt myself. If a detective can be sexy, or a ghostbuster, or an effing mummy, then I don't think hobo can be far behind! I bet that within two years, there will be a Sexy Hobo in existence. Ugh, so bogus.

One good thing I saw at the store, and probably my saving grace, was this costume: Private Dancer. I guess it was technically a "Sexy" costume, but I mean, come on. Tina can't not be sexy.
Happy Hallowiener, dudes. Tell me what you're going to be! And if it's Sexy Something, then, um, we should probably talk. Because I totally just made fun of you throughout this entire blog. Whoops a daisy!


Cody said...

Aren't you being a sexy hobo? I was at Mallat's today too! I am just going to be a vampire. I might be a little sexy, but only because I can't help it. I am going to Milwaukee to see the play Dracula and then to a house party. Have fun!

Tara said...

hahhahaha! oh my god i love you. the costumes are total barf. i saw one the other day that was for a kid that was called - skelehearted, it was kind of a punk rock skeleton, but i don't understand it and it still makes me mad because its basically a sexy skeleton! for kids! also, i think i hate the sexy ghostbuster more than anything else in the world. wtf!? BARF!

Reem Tara said...

On facebook, my friend Elizabeth suggested the following:

What about "sexy person with TB". You could wear a short hospital gown and cough into a bloody hankie. Or "sexy person with Leprosy" - you could wear a sexy outfit but then have a lot of fun with gross make-up.

Hahaha! Oh man...

syb said...

this about sums it up:

Sociological Images has TONS of posts this time of year about how depressing and oppressive Halloween costumes are, from people dressing up like racist cultural stereotypes to women having to be sexy or girlish. Of course, none of them are as hilarious as your writing, Reem.

Ugh. Halloween depresses me for these reasons. I liked being a non-sexy mummy when I was a kid.

SophisticatedBrew said...

I read an article in the Onion about this today. It was also a humorous article, basically stating that if you dress as a "sexy _____" you suck, unless that ____ is comletely not sexy. Their example?

A sexy burrito.

I think Sexy Hobo is definitely acceptable. And hilarious. And probably a little sexy but without trying so hard, you know?

I am dressing as "half-assed" this year. A black dress with a red and black wig. It might end up being a vampire. Maybe not. Hmmmm...

miriam said...

Fantastic and scary. I love the kids versus adult versions. I spent some time in a Halloween Express a few weeks ago and yes, it too made me feel dirty, though I took some fab pix (up on Flickr soon) and had a hoot chatting with the bored workers...

Val is going as sexy mustard this year - did you know that? Pretty rad. I vote still yes for Sexy Hobo and also for the Sexy TB patient suggestion...

Lori said...

I decided to be sexy Lady Gaga. At 195 pounds and 36 years old it was about to be frightening. she doesn't wear pants you know. I did pull it off with the help of some Hooters inch thick tights but I wasn't able to pee all night because i would have to tear them off to go.

jx said...

woo hoo! yay for mallatts. what a lovely place. your pictures captured it well. might i suggest a shot next time, however, where you get the shelves of first aid supplies, aspirin, outdated greeting cards and canes with the wigs in the background? i don't think they have "sexy" costumes, do they? they try to keep it pretty classy, i think. sexy hobo was well-executed, reem. and i vote for sexy syphilis patient for 2010.

Halloween Costumes said...

What a great post! I love Halloween. It is so crazy the costumes that you see. You did a good job with the pictures.

Katie said...

I think I will be a sexy OT, and just rip the shit out of my scrubs. It'll be hot. Or not. Actually, scratch that whole idea.

Jessica S-J said...

my dream is to be a sexy werewolf: wear a teddy and high heels, and just be covered in hair.

but this year, I'm going as a lumberjack.