Wednesday, September 10, 2008

On Pooping

For some reason, every time I go to Macy's I have to poop. The first time I was with my sister, browsing clothes and taking our damn time shopping. All of a sudden it hit me. I had to poop. And I hate pooping in public. But then it happened again, the next time I was there! What the eff? Why always Macy's? Why is it always me and like three old ladies in the bathroom, and I'm waiting for them to leave so I can finally poop, and they're all slow and talking about somebody named "Gail" or "Martha" or "Estelle" and they use a billion paper towels and don't leave me alone?

Then there's the other places. Like...ahem...Cool Beans coffee shop near the Easte Towne Malle. I hate it here, but I had no choice. I had a cancellation and needed some caffeine and to check some email, so I came here. And now I have to poop. This is just perfect.

There was this one time I had been visiting my sister in Atlanta. She'd dropped me off at the airport and I was on my merry way to the gate when I realized I had to poop. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't love pooping at airports, but of all the public places to have to poop, the airport is not too bad. It's loud, and there's usually a lot going on in there, and the doors are usually high or low enough to keep it all somewhat discreet. So, okay, I go to poop. I sit down on the throne, do the business, and flush. To my horror, I hear a strange noise. I look down only to see the water (and whatever else may have been in there) slowly rising to the top of the toilet bowl. My mind goes blank for a few seconds until I shake my head a bit to wake the eff up. I hear a voice in my head...

"Just go."

I grab my shit and book it out of the bathroom. I'm at the door when I hear water splashing on the floor and a woman exclaiming "Oh my holy god!!!"

Whoops a daisy. My bad, dudes. My bad.

I returned about 15 minutes later because I was practically barfing at the fact that I hadn't been able to wash my hands. Everything was calm, quiet, and clean. I washed my hands and got the eff out of there.

And I wonder why I hate pooping in public...

6 comments:

Sarah said...

Holy Shit! Literally...OMG this is funny. "oh my holy god!" ha ha ha.

for some reason the library usually does it for me. only academic libraries though, not public.

Reem Tara said...

The library! I knew you had a place...I couldn't remember where. Thanks for the reminder! POOP!

Madam said...

When I was a tour guide at Beloit, I was once taking some rather indifferent girl and her VERY ENTHUSIASTIC MOM around when I HAD TO GO RIGHT THEN in Pearsons. So I said, as politely as possible, "Could you excuse me for just a moment? I need to use the ladies' room..." and the mom said, "Oh! Great! I have to go too! Let's do it!" And then while I tried not to die of intestinal combustion, the mom cheerfuly asked me all sorts of fun stuff as she merrily pooped away in the next stall. Horrifying, I tell you.

Tara said...

haha your pooping emergencies are much classier than mine. I ALWAYS always have to go at Goodwill and Hobby Lobby. And they both have unpleasant bathrooms. Hobby Lobby is seriously the place everyone goes to do their business, you always have to go from stall to stall until you find one without something floating in it already. Sick.

Sara Ashes said...

REEEEEM! Whoops a daisy indeed! Come on! Nice work.

Sara Ashes said...

also, one word: jobby.