On Pooping

For some reason, every time I go to Macy's I have to poop. The first time I was with my sister, browsing clothes and taking our damn time shopping. All of a sudden it hit me. I had to poop. And I hate pooping in public. But then it happened again, the next time I was there! What the eff? Why always Macy's? Why is it always me and like three old ladies in the bathroom, and I'm waiting for them to leave so I can finally poop, and they're all slow and talking about somebody named "Gail" or "Martha" or "Estelle" and they use a billion paper towels and don't leave me alone?

Then there's the other places. Like...ahem...Cool Beans coffee shop near the Easte Towne Malle. I hate it here, but I had no choice. I had a cancellation and needed some caffeine and to check some email, so I came here. And now I have to poop. This is just perfect.

There was this one time I had been visiting my sister in Atlanta. She'd dropped me off at the airport and I was on my merry way to the gate when I realized I had to poop. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't love pooping at airports, but of all the public places to have to poop, the airport is not too bad. It's loud, and there's usually a lot going on in there, and the doors are usually high or low enough to keep it all somewhat discreet. So, okay, I go to poop. I sit down on the throne, do the business, and flush. To my horror, I hear a strange noise. I look down only to see the water (and whatever else may have been in there) slowly rising to the top of the toilet bowl. My mind goes blank for a few seconds until I shake my head a bit to wake the eff up. I hear a voice in my head...

"Just go."

I grab my shit and book it out of the bathroom. I'm at the door when I hear water splashing on the floor and a woman exclaiming "Oh my holy god!!!"

Whoops a daisy. My bad, dudes. My bad.

I returned about 15 minutes later because I was practically barfing at the fact that I hadn't been able to wash my hands. Everything was calm, quiet, and clean. I washed my hands and got the eff out of there.

And I wonder why I hate pooping in public...