Monday, April 11, 2011

The Day I Will Remember

When so many of the days are heartbreaking and painful and unbelievable and helpless, maybe what you have to do at a time like this is remember a different day. And so, I choose to remember this one, just less than a year ago...

We drove from Madison to North Freedom, Wisconsin on a perfect day. Sunny, some clouds, cool enough, but the air was still warm. Windows open, listening to a mix of 80s hair metal at top volume. Your hand rested on the open window as you stared out, gazing at nothing, peaceful.

We spent the afternoon with scrap metal sculptures and caterpillars and a slight breeze. We examined metal birds made from musical instruments. We stood in a cage containing a giant and ancient cash register. We decided how much money we'd have to be paid to eat one of those fuzzy caterpillars. You said you'd do it for $50. We laughed so much.

We drove without a map or directions, somehow happening upon the ferry that took us across a tiny lake. We ate homemade ice cream that we bought from a stand on the side of the road and watched the water move gently beneath the boat.

We stayed in that evening, resting on the couch, and you were you for awhile and I was me and we were us, just us, like we'd been when we were kids, just tiny teenagers who knew nothing of our own troubles and traumas, who didn't care about anything but laughing and talking and being young and alive. For that day, we were back to who we'd been - there was no wrestling and there was no mental illness, just for that day. There was just you, and you were just Alex.

I have loved you with all of my heart since I was 17 years old, and I will always love you. This was not the world, this was not the life, that you were meant for. I will now just hope and pray that your head has calmed and your soul is resting. You are in my heart forever, Alex.





10 comments:

Sara Ashes said...

So beautiful, Reemie. I hope the memory of this day brings you comfort. I'm so glad you pressed these words onto paper forever.

Also, in lighter memories I was just remembering the awesome thing you told me once about how Alex would eat giant, plate-sized pancakes by folding them into quarters and chomping away one huge bite. That thought has made me smile so many times over the years, probably because of the way you would imitate him and make the biting and gulping noise with great wonder and appreciation for his great eating talent.

Xoxox

Sara Ashes said...

Also, I love that the town you visited is called North Freedom. Perfect.

Kristina Jasmin said...

That was so beautiful. It made me cry. Sounds like a day lived as it should be. I believe that leading a successful happy full life means having as many moments or days like the one you described as you can before you are gone. It seems as though he might have had quite a few of these moments, and you helped.

Hugs.

Emil said...

Thanks for posting this, Reemie. Beautiful words accompanied by beautiful pictures. Some people go their whole lives without feeling anything close to this about another person. I'm so glad you got to share these feelings on this day, as well as others, with him. Love you lots

Lauren said...

Thank you so much for writing this Reem, for sharing. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and to get a big hug in return. love L

ela said...

Reem, this is so touching and filled with love - the sentiment leaps through your written words. I'm glad you have this day to remember and I am so sorry for your loss. xoxo

Greasy said...

A great blog in memory of a great person. I will remember that day too and I'm glad that you have the beauty of that day to comfort you. Millions of hugs to you Reem...xoxo

jx said...

Thinking of you lots, Reem. You and Alex were mutually lucky to share some love in this life.

Reem Tara said...

Thanks, everybody, for your love. I'm feeling so grateful and fortunate to be able to feel and have this love from you. I'm really, really lucky.

I will miss Alex so much. There was nobody like him, ever in the world.

SophisticatedBrew said...

Love you so much. I'm glad you have these memories and know with 150% of MY heart that your friendship to him was powerful and positive.