From the Vault: A Sincere Apology to a City

Oh lord, it's been awhile. And don't get excited or anything, dudes, because this is not a new blog entry. It's actually an old blog entry. In my somewhat paranoid internet searchings tonight (which were based on my thoughts of privacy and finding/deleting everything about me on the internet - I go through these thoughts every so often), I came across/remembered my MySpace blog! It's funny, because although this (this is how I will get famous) blog has only been around since December of 2007, I had a MySpace blog before that (December of 2005 sporadically through January 2008), and before that, a LiveJournal (January 2005 - December 2005). So I guess I've been around for awhile, eh?

In reading many of my old MySpace entries this evening, I made a few observations:

• I used to write without any capital letters. I added the capital letters into my writing when I started having more self-respect. It was in 2008. I am totally serious.
• I used to swear a lot. And I used to drink a lot. And talk about drinking a lot.
• I used to be way more cavalier with posting my feelings and business all over the internet.
• I was still really hilarious. Super sarcastic and a little mean, but often hilarious.
• I'm glad I still have all this writing. It's a really accurate and pretty telling description of where I was at (mentally, emotionally, physically) during those years. Some of it was surprising, some of it was sad, and I feel grateful for the ability to to go back and read all of it. So, um...thanks, internet.

There were many years when I lived here that I sort of resented Madison. It's funny to remember that currently, since I'm in love with it now, but I really struggled with living here. I resisted the city and what it is about. I compared left and right. And so it was nice to read this entry from August 2007 and feel not only happy about this feeling I had at the time, but about the fact that I really do love it here now. Anyhow, here it is, in lieu of a new blog post, which may be the case for some time as my writing is all the non-publishy type at the moment. I hope you enjoy this oldie. And check the non-capitol letters!

Thursday, August 7, 2007

i rarely ever choose to walk, and today i actually did a few times, but the most important time was walking home about a mile at dusk, if dusk is around 8:45 pm in the summer, right when it starts to get dark. i think i'm right about that. i got about two blocks from my house right at dusk then.

something hit me so hard. i walked past the windows of st. vinny's, and looking at all that crap in there, the garbage nobody needs but will still buy, and more garbage lining the gutters of willy street, and it felt like being on devon after dinner, and there was traffic, actual traffic, traffic i've always kind of scoffed at (excuse that term...i hate that term), but all of a sudden i loved that there was traffic. and throngs of people stood outside the crystal corner bar with the neon lights and the tacky marquee, smoking and yelling at cars passing by and at each other, and a city bus sped up and ran a red light and a car honked, and despite the stagnant-ass 90 degree heat in the air, everything was moving for once, and there was fucking life here. the city was finally alive to me. this slight elevation in energy and activity and it all happening at night. suddenly, i live in an actual city.

it was no familiar skyline. it was no driving the I-94 into the city at 11:00 pm on a friday, and it was no butterflies in my stomach as the night began. but it was so fucking alive for once.

and all the while, i smelled campfires. and recycling bins dutifully lined the streets. and it was still madison to me, and it was still what madison has always been to me, but it was also all of a sudden so much more.

five years of living here, and all the while i've been refusing to accept this city as its own place. it's not-chicago and not-atlanta and not-london and not even fucking glenview, illinois.

i feel like i owe madison an apology.

i'm sorry i didn't give you a fair chance. i'm sorry i never took you seriously. i'll keep my eyes open from now on.