old lady who puts used kleenex up her sleeve for later

i think vodka gives me heartburn. i am an old lady. gin makes me black out and vodka gives me heartburn. i'm destined to drink amaretto sours and white wine spritzers for the rest of my life. and a lime rickey maybe. does that even have booze in it? will i ever be cool again? jeez...

old lady.

the other morning i looked out the window onto my deck and saw a squirrel trying to get into my garbage. without a second thought i rapped on the window with my knuckles and yelled "git outta here, you!" no, really. i yelled those words. to a squirrel. through a closed window. that's a fucking old lady if i've ever seen one.

i guess the old lady thing also comes into play when i realize the music i have been enjoying lately is christmas music, and that i told lee that his band was "awful noisy."

also, the other day i complained that all of my earrings were too big.

family story one. starring the brother.

one time we got chinese food and we all read our fortunes out loud, and emil was last, and he read his to himself, and his face kind of crumpled a bit, as if he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and with a confused, somewhat devastated tone in his voice, he read his fortune out loud:

thank you for coming to our wedding.

this is how i will get famous

it has to be. because i've already tried being lazy, and that doesn't work, so this has got to be it.

maybe i'm doing it so that my sister can link from her blog.

maybe it's because i didn't go see digibot tonight so now i feel like i have to do something productive. because we all know seeing digibot is the most productive thing you can do.

maybe because there is the leftovers of 32 inches of snow on the ground and i don't know what else to do with all that.

maybe it's because my television is still broken.

or maybe, you know, my writing really is that hilarious. and wonderful. and worth reading.

yeah, that's probably it. let me know when you want me to sign a contract.