this is how i will get famous

Jeopardy Stories

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 02:20:00 +0000

Do you know that I hate Alex Trebek? I really, really hate him. And I don't think I can say I hate a single other person in the whole wide world. Alex Trebek though...that guy really gets my goat. I mean, look at this guy...

He's such an ass! He always pronounces everything with an exaggerated accent, and he's such a know-it-all, which is pretty much my biggest pet peeve ever. He takes up so much time sharing his stupid little facts that nobody asked him to include, and he wastes all this time so that they don't even get to reveal all the questions! And he's so condescending, and totally sexist. Have you ever noticed that he has lower expectations from women than he does from men? Oftentimes, if a woman answers a question correctly, he responds with a surprised "Good for you!" Ugh, he's such an ass. Other people agree.

But I love Jeopardy. I absolutely adore watching Jeopardy. And sometimes I do pretty well! Sure, there are a few categories in which I totally suck, like Presidents, Economics, and, uh, anything having to do with history. Whoops a daisy! But man, give me State Capitols, Classical Music (any music-related category, really), Geography, or any of those Before and After or wordplay categories, and I'm grand. There was a category once called something like chemical spelling, and each answer was a word spelled using only chemical symbols. For example, the clue would read something like "radiant light around one's head" and the answer would be "Aura," Au being the symbol for Gold, and Ra being the symbol for Radium. I think I got every one right! And to think I got a C- in high school chemistry. Where did this brilliance even come from?!

I really do love Jeopardy and watch it whenever I can. But the inevitable painfully awkward interview section makes me either mute the television or change the channel every time. Those stories are so boring! Or nerdy! And Alex makes it even worse with his dumbass know-it-all contributions. That jerk...ugh, sorry, I tend to get off topic when I'm reminded of that fool. Anyhow, the stories, man. It amazes me that people can't come up with more interesting things. I pointed this out to my mother when we were watching Jeopardy together a couple of weeks ago, to which she replied "Well what would yours be?" I'm proud to say that I was ready with three stories at the time, but I thought I should come up with a couple more to make it five. This, of course, came from the old rules of Jeopardy that stated that you could only win five days in a row before having to be done. So I got to thinking, and came up with My Five Jeopardy Stories!

Story #1 I once won a toilet through a contest on facebook. American Standard was sponsoring a contest on facebook in which the writer of the "best toilet story" would win a toilet. I wrote about the time I dropped my phone in the toilet, and I came in second place out of everybody who entered the contest. I won a toilet worth between $710 - $1028 and I gave it to my sister for her birthday. Unfortunately, she has not yet received the toilet! What the eff, American Standard? What's going on here?? To be updated with positive results, hopefully...

Story #2 When I was nineteen, I got my front tooth knocked out by a hair pick. I was doing a headstand in a big lounge chair when my friend Straight Edge Rob threw the comb across the room at me. It flew through the air in a lovely arc and hit me square in the left front tooth. My tooth broke in half and I swallowed the loose piece. Later, I'd get several temporary fake teeth, and now I have a more permanent cap which is slightly longer than the rest of my teeth. There is a picture of me and my broken tooth somewhere, but I probably won't post it. Not because of the ugly tooth, though! Because I know my sister will make fun of how my eyebrows look like caterpillars. It was before I discovered the "joys" of waxing...

Story #3 Once I ate an entire Awesome Blossom from Chili's. My cousin Laith made a bet with me when we were at a wedding in London; drinks may have been involved. The bet required me to eat the entire thing, all parts included, but I could pick my own sauce and drink anything I wanted. I skipped the "zesty" sauce that came with and traded it in for ranch, and drank only water. I went in with tons of confidence and cockiness, but, in the end, I barely finished. I clearly remember the point at which there were just greasy fried pieces lining the bottom of the bowl and Laith leaned over to comment on the "grizzle" that was left. It was at this point that I nearly barfed. I finished, however, and left Chili's having won the bet, $17 (pooled together from the other dinner guests), a free meal, the hopefully unending respect of my cousin and the rest of my family who attended the event, and three days worth of indigestion. Here's what an Awesome Blossom looks like:
See the zesty sauce that I didn't eat? That was the only good choice I made that night.

Story #4 I once did a synchronized swimming routine with my friend Lia. We performed in a lake to the song "Simply the Best" by Tina Turner. Do you know this song? Check it:

We practiced for weeks and kept the performance a secret from all our friends. We bought matching bathing suits - they were pink with black polka dots - and prepared a picnic for our audience. The routine had underwater handstands and swimming in the shape of a giant heart, and even a couple of Dead Man's Floats! I wish so hard that there was documentation of this, but there is not. Saddest news ever.

Story #5 A few months ago, I appeared as an extra in a film about mustard. My friend Jess was learning how to make movies, and the group she was working with was filming a movie in Madison that will hopefully run someday at the National Mustard Museum here in Wisconsin. The movie is about a crappy baseball team (the Madison Mallards) who just can't win, and a hot dog vendor who makes a magical mustard that makes the baseball players hit home runs. I think the movie is call Hits, but I'm not sure. My friend Lynn and I were two of the extras, and we acted in a few very serious scenes, including standing around the hot dog cart, looking over our shoulders, and taking a picture of one of the Mallards. It was tough, but we got through it.

So those are my five! I should tell you that this blog was also partly inspired by Adam Schabow's Onion Dog Adventure that I wrote about in my last entry because I feel like that could be a good Jeopardy Story. (An aside...I just realized why I was so disgusted by The Onion Dog Incident...I'm probably still scarred from eating that damn Awesome Blossom! I can't believe I didn't make this connection until right now!) So, now we all know that Adam has at least one. How many do you have? Tell, tell! Post in the comments section, or write your own blog about it. I'm going to go watch the Boyz II Men reunion that's on television right now. Holy eff, they've still got it!

The Onion Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:05:00 +0000

You know what? I've seen a lot of hot dogs in my day. And I've seen a lot of gross and ridiculous food in my day as well. But nothing, NOTHING compared to the grossness, ridiculousness, and the hot dog-ness of what happened last night. It was the grossest, most ridiculous, hot damn doggiest night of my life. For you see, my friends, last night was the fateful night that it finally happened. The Onion Dog came to life.

I'm sure you're all wondering "Well, my word! What's an Onion Dog?" Because I'm sure you're all old ladies and talk like this. To be brief, the Onion Dog is an onion with a bunch of hot dogs stuffed inside it. To be a bit more long winded...

It all started a few weeks ago when three young men were sittin' around, eating hot dogs. One of these young men, Adam Schabow, was eating a hot dog with a ton of onions on it. He proclaimed to his two friends, Nathan and Dusty, and to the world, "I love hot dogs and onions!!! In fact, I love them so much that I would take a hot dog and stuff it inside an onion and eat it like an apple." His words. Nathan wouldn't believe this. He just couldn't seem to grasp the enthusiasm with which Schabow was speaking. Schabow stood fast, though, and in order to emphasize his point and passion, stated that he wished to "infuse an onion with five whole hot dogs, and eat that like an apple." He really said that.

And so the rest was history. Obviously, being the gentlemen they are, Nathan and Schabow made a gentleman's wager. Dusty, being an optimistic and positive gentleman, albeit a little less passionate about onions, was on Schabow's side. Good thing too, since Dusty had a plan, as you'll see later. A large and respectable sum of ten dollars was bet (keep in mind, if Schabow and Dusty were to win, it would not be ten dollars each; they'd have to split it) and a date was set for the event to occur. Schabow had high hopes, support from his friends, minus that Negative Nathan we've all heard about, and a detailed drawing of how it would all go down. I mean, come on. How do you not believe in this?? I ask you:

And so the Night of the Onion Dog began. I was rooting for Schabow, but when I saw his attempts at making a drink, I got a bit nervous.

He tightened it up, though, and my confidence soared. And my sobriety plummeted.

The size of the items involved in the bet seemed important to me, as I was unsure of how loose the rules were. Could the onion be a gigantic genetically engineered one? Could the hot dogs be cocktail wiener-sized? The answer is no. The hot dogs were bun-length...
...and the onion was the size of my hand. Fair, fellas. Nice work.
Now, many bets involve a hustler. That was Dusty. I call him Dustler. Or maybe Husty. He had a secret weapon up his sleeve...he used to be a carpenter! Waa waa Nathan, Dusty knows how to drill like nobody else!

This power drill was bought specifically for this occasion. Too bad you all didn't bet more than ten dollars, eh?
Schabow and Nathan look on in disbelief; Nathan, because he's about to lose the bet, and Schabow, because his dreams are finally coming true. His dreams of The Onion Dog.

As you can see, Dusty vertically drilled five symmetric holes down through the onion.
Schabow got so excited at this point that he couldn't keep his hands off the onion! He had to poke his fingers into every hole before stuffing the hot dogs in.
And the big moment finally came. The hot dogs were inserted into the onion.
That's what it looked like - five hot dogs inside one onion. Sideways:
Frontways:
Grossways:
Now, the bet wasn't yet over at this point. They still had to grill the onion, and it had to stay in one piece. But Schabow was just so excited that the first prototype had worked that he thought they should give it another go. This time, with seven hot dogs. SEVEN HOT DOGS!

Dusty was put to work once again, and, once again, was successful in his drilling.
That's when Adam got even more excited and decided he wanted to recreate the picture he'd drawn (shown above). It turned out, well, exactly the same as the picture. Remarkable, Schabow! What a vision you have!

Busted Up Onion Dog is over there on the left.
Because nobody can ever just leave well enough alone, bacon had to be added. I'm a fan of adding bacon to almost anything, but it was at this point that my stomach turned, and I almost had to leave the room.

And a shish kebab skewer to pull it all together!
Dusty, confident in his inevitable win, proudly shows off the strength and solidness of The Onion Dogs.
Nathan, the soon-to-be loser of the bet, and Amy celebrated their vegetarianism by playing with The Onion Dogs uncomfortably.
I really believe that Schabow knew at this point that he'd win the bet, but frankly, I'm pretty sure he was just so excited to eat the damn Onion Dog at this point.
Here are the Onion Dogs on the grill. Some say you should roast an Onion Dog, but not Schabow. He knows what he's doing.
Dusty and the finished product! Although he seems enthusiastic here, it's all an act. Dusty was nowhere near as excited as Schabow to eat his tasty treats.

This picture sort of encapsulates the whole night. Wonder, excitement, awe, beauty. All right here in this picture, and in that evening...
A hot-dog-infused-bacon-wrapped-onion. I'm totally sending this picture into This Is Why You're Fat.
The gentlemen sit down to enjoy their meal.
Schabow slathered barbecue sauce all over his onion (the seven-hot-dog one, by the way) while Dusty opted for ketchup.
I wish I could photograph a sound. It was...um, sorry I'm about to write this, but it was juicy. Really, really juicy.
Adam eats with gusto and delight while Dusty writhes in pain.
Somebody invents the Schabow cam! Video to come soon.
Schabow says he'll eat the entire camera, as long as it's put inside an onion.
And now, for a special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, Schabow eating The Onion Dog in slow motion. Enjoy!

And a big pile of crap is left on the plate.
Schabow and Dusty cheers to the ten dollars (split down the middle) they won that night.

And although that ten dollars wasn't much, I've got a hunch that it wasn't really about the money. For some, it was about pride. Or about proving a point. Because when a guy like Nathan starts going on with his "The world is flat! Ten dollars! I'll bring the beer! Screw you guys!" nonsense, you just gotta take charge. For others, however, it was really about getting to eat a giant onion with seven hot dogs inside it. Like an apple. And maybe that was the most important thing here. Because, really, maybe that's what life is all about, you know? Putting one kind of food inside another and eating it like an apple. I mean, that's just beautiful.

UPDATE: Haven't had enough, eh? Wanna watch a video of this event? Check it out here. Good luck not barfing!

AND...Read Dusty's version of the story. This man can write! And he makes it sound less grossed out and babyish that I did.

Piano Recitals: What a Great Social Activity!

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:04:00 +0000

Hey Wisconnies! I bet you're sick and tired of being all cooped up after the 14 inches of snow and the subzero temperatures we've had in the last few days, eh? Well, I have the perfect social activity for you - Piano Recitals! Piano recitals are undoubtedly the finest social activity you could ever attend. They rock. You probably don't even need a reason to come, but here are a few anyhow:

"Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" will be played no less than four times. "Ode to Joy" will be played three times, and "Snowfall" twice. You'll have them all memorized by the end of it!

You'll hear songs such as "Deck the Halls," "We Three Kings," "Joy to the World," and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and you can sing the "alternate versions." Know what I mean?

Deck the Halls with gasoline/light a match and watch it gleam/watch the schoolhouse burn to ashes/aren't you glad you played with matches?

We three kings of Orient are/tried to smoke a rubber cigar/it was loaded/it exploded/BOOM! Slient night.

Joy to the world, the teacher's dead/we barbecued her head!/what happened to the body/we flushed it down the potty/and round and round it goes...etc.

And um... We wish you a merry fishmas and a crappy new year?

Also, I ask some of my students to do two songs per practice, and some of the combinations this year are hilarious. For example:

J, 11 years old, is doing the theme from The Office and the Jurassic Park theme.

A, 13 years old, is doing a song from Pirates of the Caribbean, and...Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

L, 12 is doing the Beethoven "Romanze" from Sonatina in G Major and...Zelda's Lullaby. From the video game.

And the infamous P, 10 (the one who wrote his own will), is doing Silent Night (which was his mom's choice), and...The Imperial March from Star Wars (his choice).

And, to be sincere, there's going to be some really amazing music this year. The kids are getting so good and playing so thoughtfully and expressively...it will be a fun afternoon. If you're interested, we're doing three recitals on the afternoon on Sunday 12/20, at 12:30, 2:15, and 4:00. Let me know if you want to come and I'll let you know where they are. There will be snacks! And you'll get into the holiday spirit, if you're not there already. Tis the season!

Seriously. Everybody who's anybody will be there. Like I said, the social event of the year!

Take That, Delicious Food!

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:34:00 +0000

Have you all heard of this blog called Delicious Food? It started on MySpace a few years ago with a slightly pompous and very condescending individual taking pictures of food and interjecting a personal opinion upon each picture and each food item. Now it is an outside blog via blogspot, and the attitude and jackassery continue. Although Delicious Food (I refer to the author of this blog as Delicious Food because I have absolutely no idea who the person behind it is!) can be a pretty giant jerk sometimes, I've always admired and appreciated those pictures and hilarious, sharp blog entries.

After each new entry, I always feel inspired to find some delicious food myself. To be honest, I usually buy it or find somebody else to make it. I know some pretty damn good cooks out there, I tell you. Occasionally, though, I'll give it a try, but the results have been...mixed. Like the one time I made fake everything and it was sort of gross. I've been somewhat doubtful about my cooking abilities in the past, but man, I'm trying now. I've been doing better, especially in the last year, and I'ma keep trying.

I can't go much further, however, without throwing some credit to my most recent houseguest. Last week, I had the pleasure of some beautiful and wonderful company and some of the most delicious food I've had in my entire life. And you know what? I've had some damn good food in my life. But dudes, this food...it was insane. My kitchen was transformed into something completely new; I don't think it will ever be the same. Amazing things happened in there. And so I got inspired. Which is funny, because, of all the ways this man has inspired me, the last thing I ever thought I'd take action on would be cooking. Nevertheless, here were are. Thank you, Christopher. Much respect.

Alright, alright, here we go. When I was in Atlanta for my sister's birthday last month, we dined at a lovely restaurant called Solstice where we ate butternut squash ravioli in a sage brown butter sauce. Omg. Seriously, omg. It was so good, and I've had a taste for it ever since. And thanks to both the inspiration from last week, along with the wonders of the internet, I decided to try. Look what happened:

The ingredients for the sauce: chicken broth, butter, and sage leaves, fresh from Jess's garden!

Pumpkin tortellini. I did not make this, but it is from RP's Pasta here in Madison. Fresh and local, and comes in a package! Fantastic!

That's just some butter melting in a pan. It makes me feel sort of funny that there's so much butter in there, but...whatever. Not funny enough to not eat it.

The butter completely melted a couple of minutes later.

Once it started to turn brown, I added the chicken broth and sage leaves. If only I could take a picture of a smell...

You can see the brown color in this one. Hence, "Brown Butter." Get it?!

This is a very complicated process called "boiling the pasta." Extremely complicated.

But I made it work! Whew!

I also decided to roast some brussel sprouts - olive oil, salt and pepper.

Oh damn, there it is, all finished! So delicious, and totally easy.

Although it wasn't the same as what my sister and I ate, it was really delicious and extremely satisfying to have made myself! It's funny to learn brand new things when you're thirty, but whatever. This all rules. Hell yeah, thirty!

I Love the Internet

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:26:00 +0000

The internet is so awesome, man. There's this thing you can put on your blog to see how people arrive on your blog; it shows the city they're in, what website they arrived from, and, if they searched for something, what the search terms were. I've been watching it for a few months now and copying some of the more hilarious ones. Some of them make sense, but others...what the eff? Why do at least two people a day, usually in Europe, search for "Famous Busted?" Anyhow, enjoy:

San Francisco, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Snow Day #1" by searching for "Famous gross snow"

Newport Beach, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for gay apparel long beach.

Lynchburg, Virginia arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: So Stupid...and So Worth It" by searching for harold and maude analysis stupid.

Miami, Florida arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous" by searching for Thank you, Luis. I will get this processed this afternoon..

United States arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for michael mcdonald's deck the hall son.

Camarillo, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: How To Make Your Own Spring Break! Part One: The Road Trip" by searching for how to make your profile so awesome that your friends will get so jelous.

Stony Brook, New York arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: July 2009" by searching for Andrew Feliciano.

Dallas, Texas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Weenus?" by searching for WENUS weekly estimated.

Euless, Texas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: The Inevitable Family Tendencies - Part One: Meat and Television." by searching for eating meat is inevitable.

Kent, Washington arrived from search.conduit.com on "this is how i will get famous: Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up" by searching for famousbusted.

Meriden, Connecticut arrived from search.yahoo.com on "this is how i will get famous: A Wave + A Hug = Broken Ribs" by searching for how to move bedridden person with broken ribs.

Jackson, Mississippi arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: STYX and Larry Sweeney - One Magical Night" by searching for why dont they play mr roboto in a styx concert anymore.

New Haven, Connecticut arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Xiao and Tell" by searching for "xiao and tell".

Memphis, Tennessee arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up" by searching for busted up, raggedy cars.

Wroclaw, Dolnoslaskie arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for TIS ALL Gay.

Madison, Wisconsin arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for gays at olin park madison wi.

Soyaux, Poitou-Charentes arrived from google.fr on "this is how i will get famous: Happy Love Day!" by searching for happy love days mu.

Tampa, Florida arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for last minute sexy detective costume.
18:16:31 -- 1 hour 41 mins ago

Madison, Wisconsin arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for last minute sexy detective costume.
18:06:53 -- 1 hour 51 mins ago

Templeton, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for last minute sexy detective costume.

Madison, Wisconsin arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for madison sexy halloween.

Atlanta, Georgia arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for weenus sexy ghostbuster whoops a daisy. (Okay, to be honest, this was my sister and she did it on purpose just so it would show up. That magnificent bastard!)

Fresno, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous" by searching for DO FAMOUS PEOPLE GET FAMOUS BY MAKING A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

Portland, Oregon arrived from blogsearch.google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for me as a sexy nurse on halloween.

Los Angeles, California arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous" by searching for "this is my friend" cat ass tattoo blogspot.

Bozeman, Montana arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Happy (Sexy) Halloween!" by searching for bored sexy food cool happy .

Jonesboro, Arkansas arrived from google.com on "this is how i will get famous: Tis The Season! Gay Apparel! Deck the Halls with Gasoline!" by searching for gay first christmas together ornament.

And a few bonus tracks from the Dream Blog, the One Second Time Machine

Zagreb, Grad Zagreb arrived from google.hr on "One Second Time Machine: Nursing School, Sex, Hairy Toes, Oh my!" by searching for hairy school sex.

Barrie, Ontario arrived from google.com on "One Second Time Machine: How To Put On A Bathing Suit" by searching for how to put on a bathing suit.

Modesto, California arrived from google.com on "One Second Time Machine: Nursing School, Sex, Hairy Toes, Oh my!" by searching for my girlfriend has hairy toes.

Antalya arrived from google.com.tr on "One Second Time Machine: Nursing School, Sex, Hairy Toes, Oh my!" by searching for oh hairy sex.

Melbourne, Victoria arrived from google.com.au on "One Second Time Machine: Hash Browns" by searching for hash brown machine.

This is Not a Review of Carmen

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:09:00 +0000

So...I went to the opera tonight. A couple of my students were in the chorus of the opera Carmen, which is being performed by the Madison Opera this weekend, so I went to see it. I've never been to an opera in Madison before, and this would have been the perfect opportunity to write a nice pleasant blog about my experience. But no. I just can't do that. Because this is mostly what I was thinking about during those three and a half hours...

One of the most well-known songs from Carmen is Toreador. Here's how it really sounds (main melody begins around 1:20):

I, of course, can't help but think of the Three Stooges version:

Toreador-ah
Don't spit on the floor
Use the cuspidor
That's what its for

I mean, how do you not think of that? It's so catchy!

One of the other very well-known songs from Carmen is the Habanera aria that is sung by Carmen herself. Check out Maria Callas singing it. It is stunning:

But...okay, has anybody seen that Bertolli commercial? You know..."I make-a lasagna, I take all day!" It was really hard not to laugh. Oh god...check it:

Also, every single person in the audience is so noisy! Everybody waits until there's a break between songs and they all clear their throats relentlessly, cough, shuffle papers around, open the crinkly wrappers of the sweets from their purses...it's a ridiculous cacophony of unnecessary noise. It reminds me of this Family Guy clip that makes me cringe and crack up at the same time:

Oh man. I am just not mature enough to go to the opera. Okay, I totally enjoyed it. But if you're interested in actually hearing how it was, check out Maddie at Dane101 or Emily at The Lost Albatross, both of whom were live blogging at the opera. Very cool idea...and very hilarious to see a table full of bloggers and laptops in the lobby of the Overture Center. I hope it catches on!

Okay. I'll leave you with this lovely interpretation of Habanera. Fantastic.

Inappropriate Facebook Statuses

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:05:00 +0000

A little over three months ago, I wrote my sister an email. It looked like this:

So I've been thinking about this for about a year - I want to do a blog entry that's all just "inappropriate facebook status updates." They don't have to be over the top, but the reaction of the reader who's only distantly or not-so-familiarly connected to me would be like "ugh...TMI, but just a little." Something like that, you know? Not offensive, not disgusting, just like "man, why did you have to write that?! Now I feel all funny and am going to think of this when I see you at work."

I think I want to start on ongoing list and post it when it gets significantly awesome. Wanna start it up with me? I unfortunately usually base mine around poo, which I'll hold off on a bit for your sake. But I was inspired to do this one tonight:

Reem wants to try on a bunch of dresses tonight, but is too lazy to put on a bra.

Lemme know if you got any.

And so, it began. Since that day, July 28th, 2009, my sister and I have been compiling a list of inappropriate facebook statuses. Some time later, Ela joined in, and we made this list. There seem to be some common themes, mostly having to do with bodily functions. Also, we've used a list of names from around the world, and mostly, from around Sara's head. Enjoy!

Of the Boogers and Noses Persuasion

Laith's nose is unbelievably full of boogers. Fuller than it's ever been!

Shaquille's boogers resemble ectoplasm

Tyler just sneezed and peed a little

Sierra just found a booger in her mouth!

Dakota just blew her nose and a bunch of blood came out.

Poo, Pee, and Farts

Kermit just can't stop pooping this morning

Oscar is confused. He ate corn TWO nights ago, so why is it in his poop this morning??

Anastasia ate a bucket of beets last night and is still peeing purple.

Lois has pooped in all sorts of public places today!

Jebediah accidentally farted in his coworker's chair!

Jeremiah ate a ton of that leftover meat from Juliana's and now has gas like he's never before experienced...YOW!

Coach's farts smell like kabobs

That One Area in General - You Know the One I'm Talking About!

Beverly popped a ginormus butt zit!

Ramona just ran out of tampons

Beezus pulled a groin muscle!

Tallulah just had her colon cleansed and a worm shot out the tube and gave her the finger!

Henry has an appointment with the butt doctor!

Megdi just had his annual prostate exam!!

For Some Reason...Armpits

Roberta nicked her armpit while shaving and DAMN does the deodorant sting!

Alan just found deodorant crusties in his pits

Showering and Bathing: a Retrospective

Jezebel is amazed that her hair looks amazing even though she has not bathed in 5 days.

Hercules thinks that after going four days without one, it's time to take a shower. the hair is not looking so good.

Jerkules should have probably taken a shower prior to her bikini wax appointment

Miscellaneous

Consuela can't identify where the cat pee smell is comign from - but its definitly IN the house

Esme is going to pick up her refill of anti-depressents!

Jemima wants to try on a bunch of dresses tonight, but is too lazy to put on a bra.

Luai doesn't know HOW he passed that drug test!

Hazel just noticed she lost her necklace ... and then found it ... in her bosoms

I mean, seriously everybody. Do you want your coworkers knowing all this about you? Discretion is a beautiful thing. I suggest you use it.

Happy (Sexy) Halloween!

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:05:00 +0000

Oh yikes! Did you all know that it's Halloween? Whoops a daisy! The days pass very quickly as of late, and I sort of lost track of time. Also, I'm here in Madison for Halloween this year, which is not the norm for me. I'm usually partying with my sister down in Atlanta, as I've done for the past eight or so years. But this year I visited her for her birthday instead, so here I am in Madison without a clue as to what to do with myself! Although I did a bit of research last year around this time, it's all still pretty confusing; I've spent much of the last two days wandering around in a daze, asking people "what do you do here? What's happening? Where do I go? What do I wear?" Seriously, I'm confused. Do you wear the same costume on both nights? I don't understand.

In hopes of some last-minute resolve, I visited a couple of Halloween stores today: Mallatt's Pharmacy on Monroe Street, a classy, well-stocked family business, and Halloween Express, a total shit-hole out by the mall. Ugh, seriously, I started to feel all filthy in there. Like, literally filthy, as in dirty. You touch one thing in there and your hands smell like old latex for days. Anyhow, I found out a little bit about what people here in Madison do on Halloween, and what sorts of costumes one might wear. I've divided them up so you'll be able to understand better. God, I'm so helpful...Sorry in advance for many of the blurry pictures. It's really hard to take good pictures when everything is in a plastic bag and employees are giving you dirty looks...

Sometimes, people in Madison like to wear creepy wigs. Mallatt's has this line of wigs completely surrounding the inside of the building. It's pretty excessive, and they all have funny names like "Ringlet," "Peggy Sue," and "Romance Wig." Click here for what is probably the most hilarious and most comprehensive list of wigs ever! Make sure to check out the "Older Men Wigs" while you're there.
That black and white one is called "Shaggy Punk Style," I believe.
I couldn't believe how accurate this one was. It looks just like Sarah Palin! Well...Busted Up Sarah Palin. OH!!! Boom.

And special thanks to Genia for being my wig model. This is a Geisha Wig:
And a Giant Pompadour Wig:
Lookin' good, Genia!

Sometimes costumes in Madison come with an agenda. Oh Madison, you're always recycling! And in a positive way!

And sometimes costumes in Madison are just confusing. Who even thought of this?!

One thing that I noticed was that there were similar costumes for adults and children. The names of these costumes, however, are changed to make it appropriate, I guess. For example, here is Devil on Fire:
But here is Fancy Red Devil! See, everybody is happy!
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Sexy Angel:
And for the kids, Deluxe Angel:
It's a really nice reminder that someday, every person can grow up to be a sexy something or other. If they truly believe.

Okay, speaking of Sexy Somethings, is anybody else totally grossed out by like 90% of women's costumes out there? It's Sexy Everything! I mean, I'm familiar with the whole Sexy Nurse, Sexy Cat, and Sexy Santa ideas; I've despised them for years. But really, I think things are getting ridiculous. I found myself very confused and grossed out, mostly at Halloween Express, at some of these costumes:

Sexy...Detective! And yes, the company name is Leg Avenue. Ugh...
Sexy Ghostbuster! And thank the universe for Genia, who, after seeing this costume, proclaimed "more like vagina buster." YOW!
Oh good, at least this one is spooky. A Sexy Mummy. Really.
You know, Sugar and Spice. We'll take baking and cooking supplies, and sexify them up. Sexy Food! With outfits that have absolutely nothing to do with said food! Perfect.
Sexy Corpse Bride. Man, this is just stupid.

To be honest, I started to get a little paranoid at this point. You see, my brilliant idea for a costume this year was a sort of tongue-in-cheek version of one of these. I decided to be a Sexy something that is totally not sexy, and is extremely far-fetched, thusly being hilarious and poking a little fun at the whole Sexy Something costume. What did I decide on, you ask? Sexy Hobo, my friends. I'm going to be a Sexy Hobo for Halloween. I thought it was pretty hilarious and brilliant...don't you? Well, at this store, I actually started to doubt myself. If a detective can be sexy, or a ghostbuster, or an effing mummy, then I don't think hobo can be far behind! I bet that within two years, there will be a Sexy Hobo in existence. Ugh, so bogus.

One good thing I saw at the store, and probably my saving grace, was this costume: Private Dancer. I guess it was technically a "Sexy" costume, but I mean, come on. Tina can't not be sexy.
Happy Hallowiener, dudes. Tell me what you're going to be! And if it's Sexy Something, then, um, we should probably talk. Because I totally just made fun of you throughout this entire blog. Whoops a daisy!

Toto + Mannheim Steamroller = A Perfect Match?

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:29:00 +0000

You know the song "Rosanna" by Toto? I was telling Gwen today that it's one of only two songs that I will for sure 100% always listen to if it comes on. Whether it's on a cd, my iPod, or the Lite FM station, if it comes on, I know I will never ever skip it. Even with my favorite bands like Guns n' Roses or Devotchka, or, believe it or not, the song "Don't Stop Believing," I can't be sure I'll be in the mood to listen. Seriously, sometimes I'm not in the mood for GNR. I know, I can't believe it either. But "Rosanna," I'm in the mood for that every time!

Have you ever noticed, though, that the big instrumental solo in "Rosanna" sounds really similar to something that maybe Mannheim Steamroller might do? Hmm...sort of gross...

Check out the solo at about 2:50.

And here is the Mannheim Steamroller. I'm not going to give you a time - just watch the whole video. You know, get the whole story.

They're like the same song! Yeah, I just wanted to point that out.

Oh, and what's the other song I'll always listen to, you ask? "Africa." Also by Toto. Whoops a daisy!

Simply Fabulous!

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:49:00 +0000

No, it's not a Sex and the City reference, thank god. But it is good news, dudes. It's slowly but surely happening. I'm getting famous...

Well...okay, I'm totally not getting famous. But! Even though I didn't write anything for a zillion years, the one and only John Statz, Madison music scene staple and folk singer to the max, has presented me and my blog with the amazing Simply Fabulous Award! Although I probably won't bother to research this myself since I know most of my assumptions are just unconditionally correct, I'm pretty sure there's a very prestigious committee that meets somewhere in Europe once a year to vote on possible recipients of this award, and John is just the lucky person who gave me the message. Yow! Many thanks to John who has a fantastic blog detailing his stories while on tour. This man goes everywhere! He's an amazing musician and a lovely person, and I'm honored that he thought of me. Also, he wears a wrestling mask in his bloggo picture. Totally Sexy. Thank you, John!

So, one of the conditions of this award is that I re-award five blogs of my own choosing. I guess I'm officially on the committee now or something, which is great, because I'm sure I'll have to attend a lot of those meetings in Europe. The second condition is that I write about five of my obsessions. That's a dangerous condition for somebody who leans slightly towards the OCD behaviors, so I'll instead lean away from those real obsessions and just talk about awesome things. Narrowing it down to five is ridiculously hard, so I'll just do the first five I think of. Here you go:

1. Infomercials. I first started watching infomercials when I was having trouble sleeping during grad school. I don't have cable and am limited to about ten channels at the most. Many of them show infomercials. And I do not mind. My favorites include The Magic Bullet (amazing blender/food processer/purée-er), The Jack Lalanne Juicer (self-explanatory), The GTXpress (this makes all your food in the shape of a pocket), Hip Hop Abs (Shawn T's Three T's! Tilt, Tuck, and Tighten!), and Chef Tony's Miracle Blades (knives). I own the Magic Bullet, the juicer, and a Sunggie. But I should say that they've all been gifts. So instead of being a sucker, I can just consider myself "a fan." Those infomercials are brilliant and hilarious and I love them.

2. Pictures of Food. Um...yeah. Have you all heard of Delicious Food? And This is Why You're Fat? And Insanewiches? And Everybody Likes Sandwiches? And PICTURES OF FOOD? Stupendous.

3. Tights and earrings, every color of the rainbow. I have tried getting rid of things, spring cleaning, whatever, and every time, I get rid of no more than one pair of earrings and maybe two pair of tights. Only because they have holes or have lost their elastic since I started wearing them in high school. So I have a lot. As you can see:

4. People. I love people. I believe in the inherent good of people. I love traveling to see people. I've recently realized that all I want to do is save up all my money and travel around the country and the world to see all the people I love and meet all the people I will love. I love talking to people. I love learning from people, way more than I like learning from classes or books. I am fascinated with how people think and feel, and the way their brains work, and I think endlessly about people and how they see the world and live their lives and what that must feel like. And I revel in the realization that I'll never know, and I love that. I love the mystery of everybody.

5. Fall. Especially in Wisconnie. I think John said it quite well in his last entry, and I'll try and live up to that...I have fallen in love with this beautiful state, especially in the last few weeks. The cool/cold weather makes the air so fresh; I actually enjoy breathing more than usual. All of a sudden I want to cook and bake and listen to folk music all day, and I love every minute of it. In my car, I take the long way home and drive slowly, away from the main roads. I switch from iced lattes to hot coffee drinks. I wear hats and scarves and find myself saying "I like daytime activities" and happily staying home on Friday and Saturday nights. I want to take walks and not speak, not listen to music, just walk and see and hear the world. Fall in Wisconnie - you should totally join me here sometime.

And now, to re-award! I love blogging and I love reading other blogs, and I'll admit, I'm probably extremely biased here. But I believe these are some of the finest blogs out there in the bloggy blogosphere. Very difficult to narrow it down to five, but here are some I love that post pretty regularly. Check it!

1. Ashes and Glass. Well, duh, of course the first one is my sister's blog! Sara's writing, pictures, artwork, and activism fill her blog and fill my heart (yes, I wrote that and I meant it. Bite me). She's a magical, wonderful, and beautiful sister and person, and her blog is just a tiny piece of somebody I'm elated and overjoyed to have in my life and call family.

2. Fifty Acorns Tied in a Sack. My girl Tara; my first friend in Madison and one of my best friends ever in life. With every post, she inspires me to create, imagine, live beautifully, and love endlessly. Damn, I love this woman.

3. Grin and Beer It. You read it right! Oh, no big deal, just my BFF Sarah's blog about beer. I'm always impressed with Sarah's ever-expanding knowledge of beer and her desire to learn more. Plus, she posts great pictures of the beer and the food she eats with it, and uses words like "heady" and "mouthfeel." Sexy.

4. Easel Ain't Easy. Oh Breena. Where do I ever start with Breena? I think we're secretly the same person. Ridiculously talented, both artistically and musically, and undoubtedly one of the kindest and most loving people I know, Breena simply rules. She recently moved out to Portland to work on her graphic novel (can you say BADASS?) and has a fantastic site with her blog, her comic, her music, and many other wonderful things. I admire Breena so much and wish every day we could hang out more. Her comics are posted near daily, so if you subscribe, you get a lovely little surprise drawing in your inbox all the time! Fantastic.

5. In The Pudding Club. Okay. This is my friend Lauren from high school. Although we weren't all that tight in high school, I've since become sort of obsessed with her (as well as her sister Claire who, incidentally, dated Little Brudder a long, long time ago! Although I guess I've been obsessed with her since like ten years ago) and cannot stop reading this blog of hers. Lauren has a baby, and as you probably know, I'm no expert on the babies. But I can say that this is the most honest and beautifully written, not to mention hilarious, baby-related blog I've ever seen. Read this is you want to be all full of love and maybe have a kid some day.

So that's that! To you five winners, let's hear your top fives! And to the rest of you lovelies, thanks for reading and writing, and a big ole thanks to John for the award! I expect I'll be doing a lot of traveling to these committee meetings and making speeches to teenagers and stuff like that, now that I've obtained this award, so if I'm not around for awhile, you'll understand why. xo!

Ghostland Observatory and Southern Comfort...? It Somehow Made Sense Tonight

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:02:00 +0000

I remember where I drank the Southern Comfort, but I don't remember where I was when I barfed it back up. It was junior year in college, the year everything was hilarious. A few of us, I'm sure Sarah included, were over at Debbie and Jennifer's apartment, and for some reason we were drinking Southern Comfort. That's where it started. Where it finished, I don't know, but I'll assume a toilet in a dorm somewhere in Beloit, Wisconsin. Classy times.

I have had a few tastes of Southern Comfort since then, but it's never really sat well with me; not in my stomach, and not in my mouth. I don't like the taste, even when masked by lime or sweet tea or coke or a bitters in a Manhattan. I just don't like it. What I do like, however, is everything else about the company. Southern Comfort (minus the taste of their product) rules!!!

No, this isn't my new corporate sponsor...I'm not that famous! Yet... Really though, I'm just being honest. Southern Comfort has the most ridiculous, generous promotions ever. I've been to three concerts put on by them in the past few years, and they do it up. The first year they brought The Flaming Lips to Willow Island in Madison, and the second year (last summer) they did a festival with The Black Keys, GZA, and The Roots. Both events were free and included plenty of free beads and posters and other "swag," as those in the industry might say. So, needless to say, I got excited when I saw there was another Southern Comfort show coming up; especially since one of my favorite bands, Ghostland Observatory, would be playing.

Contrary to my previous SoCo-related experience and knowledge, this was not a free show with beads. This was much, much more, my friends. Not only was the show free, but each person was handed two free drink tickets as they entered the venue. There was a little table where a girl was handing out shots of Southern Comfort (also free), plenty of posters and cds being handed out, also for free, and, of course, beads. Oh, and then! Then...I saw in the distance a table piled high with...SANDWICHES. No, I'm serious! They had four varieties of sandwiches sitting on a table for all the world to eat. And these were no weak, crappy sandwiches, man; these were made on a beautiful, thick, multigrain bread with fresh tomato and lettuce atop deli turkey, roast beef, or ham - plus a veggie option. And you could have as many as you wanted! Finally, somebody got it right. Why can't there be sandwiches at every show? Thank you, Southern Comfort.

Almost as important as the sandwiches was the music. DJ Lord, previously of Public Enemy, opened the night with a crazy-energetic two hour long set. He played a ton of old school hip hop which was fantastically threaded together. It seemed effortless to him. At some point, he changed the mood of the music by playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit," "Sweet Child of Mine," "Enter Sandman," "Girls" by the Beastie Boys, and a couple of others along those lines. Genia commented on how he must have been playing to all the white people in the audience. Hahaha! Oh Genia, you slay me.

Taken from me blackberry...

DJ Lord finished his set with an insane few moments of "It Takes Two." His moves were like the effing 1991 Chicago Bulls; smooth, sophisticated, sharp, and occasionally, behind the back. He was like a well-oiled-one-man-machine. Or something. That's just what it said in my head...I don't know. Whatever, DJ Lord did it up.

When Ghostland Observatory came on stage, the room filled with multi-colored lasers and bass that I felt in my heart. Physically. I will absolutely not do Ghostland justice by trying to describe what happened. Seriously, I'm not even going to try. I can say that both Mike and I agreed that we were happy to be sober. I felt that way because I knew it was purely the music that was leaving me speechless and practically breathless. And dudes. They covered Prince. They did "Nothing Compares 2 U," which was unbelievably beautiful. That was followed by a quick, staccato "Erotic City" - fantastic. The last one they did was "Darling Nikki," which was thrilling to me at first, but later made me feel incredibly uneasy. I mentioned to Genia that it was sort of scary, to which she agreed. Nevertheless, when music has that much of an affect on you, whether positive, negative, or, well...scary, that's some powerful stuff there.

Note: I did not take any of these pictures. Good job, everybody else.

It's no easy feat to bring together and thoroughly entertain the diverse population of Madison: frat boys, hipster hairdressers, stoners, rainbow hulahoopers, and piano teachers wearing mom clothes because they just got off work and didn't have time to go home. But Ghostland did it. We all danced hard under those lasers, transfixed on one of the most brilliant frontmen I've ever seen. This man is Perry Ferrell rolled up in Prince and Freddie Mercury with a side of Dio. Plus about a zillion other geniuses. And, on top of it all, he's the sexiest dancer you'll ever see. Shakira wishes she could move her hips like this. His gyrations, marches, prances, and leaps made him look like a genius ballet dancer who was rejected from Julliard by professors who just didn't realize he was ahead of his time. Sucks to you, Julliard, now he's in the Ghostland Observatory. And he's taking over bits of the world, one at a time.

Huge, gigantic thank you to Christopher who introduced me to this band a little while back. (Holy eff, I just got a reminder from one Mr. Kaleb about how he included a Ghostland track on a mix cd years ago! Thanks, Kaleb, and my sincerest apologies for not knowing what's cool. Damn.) And also, I guess, thanks to Southern Comfort. Even though your booze tastes like ass a little bit, I really do appreciate your marketing efforts. Like, really a ton. I'll continue coming to your shows to receive free stuff and watch brilliant music, as long as you keep providing me with these opportunities. That's fair, right?

Oh dudes, one more thing. The other guy in the band wears a cape. He sort of flips it back behind him when he sits down at the drumset. Dreamy, huh?

Now, go ahead and watch some of this. And we'll talk soon, and I'll have nothing to say because I'm still in awe. Go ahead.

We Even Pooped Together

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 06:18:00 +0000

When you're between the ages of 18 and 22 and you're living away from home and your family and parents for the first time ever, and you get to make important life decisions on your own, and set up your room just the way you want it, and get to find and explore your passions in life, you sort of have it made. You can stay up all night, eat whatever you want, pick your own classes, rule your own life, and, seemingly, things couldn't get any better. And then you meet the people. The people, man. It just got better.

Once upon a time, in a small town in Wisconsin, all these weird kids met each other and the world changed. I don't know why we all decided to meet there; I know I, for one, heard my high school friend/prom date's friend Kate talk about Beloit College at some point, and I thought, "Yeah, that sounds fine. Maybe I'll go there." I filled out some forms and wrote an essay, auditioned for a music scholarship, applied for another scholarship, got them both, and off I went to Beloit College. And it was there that I met the most remarkable, most amazing, most interesting people ever in the world.

They came from the East Coast, West Coast, New England, Hawaii, Michigan, the Midwest itself, and "just outside Chicago," among other places. They met by smiling at each other, introducing themselves to strangers, and inviting each other to sit together at dinner. And somehow, probably because of some clash of something magical in the universe, they all clicked. I won't speak for the rest of you, but I know that at that point, my life changed.

I'm sure there are articles and essays written about the importance of bonding with friends and peers at certain ages in order to develop social and interpersonal skills, but whatevs, I haven't read any of them. I can imagine hypotheses written about brains aged 18 - 22 years old and why they are often so susceptible, so impressionable, so...open? Is there some sort of hormone that gets released when you enter college that makes you unconditionally love and understand everybody who crosses your path? Or was it just a wonderful phenomenon that only happens in the magical land of Beloit?

Or...maybe it's that we live together, sometimes sharing beds just a few inches apart, and thusly have to connect because we have no choice. Or maybe it's because we spend every waking (and sometimes, sleeping) moment with each other, whether it's brushing our teeth together, showering in stalls next to each other, walking to class together, eating together, drinking together, playing music together, staying up late together, or laying with heads on shoulders, not talking together. I mean, that's got to be it, right? To quote one Andy Brink (RA extraordinaire of the famous 819 sophomore year, 1998 - 1999), "We even pooped together!" Yeah, I'd say that's it.

We all faced an inevitably beautiful vulnerability of being on our own, totally alone, with nothing familiar in our lives, and we came out of it all with connections unlike anything we had experienced before. We had little choice but to open up and allow each other in if we wanted to survive. And thankfully, it all resulted in love.

I'm not totally sure what the focus of this is, or the point, or whether I'm clearly explaining exactly what I'm trying to say, and I know I'm all over the place. But I can say (in a focused, clear way) that I couldn't have had a better group of friends to do everything together with. We clicked like nothing had ever clicked before. I should hesitate to even use the word "clicked." More fitting: exploded, combusted, detonated. All violent and negative words, unfortunately, but all having to do with fire for some reason. So...whatever a positive fiery word might be...that's what my friends and I are like. Positive and fiery. That's us.

Summer of Everything. Plus.

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:34:00 +0000

Oh this summer. It was one of the fullest summers of my entire life. Five weddings, twelve states, 20+ hours in the car with me Mum, 14+ hours in a giant vehicle with the whole family, ten flights, and one missed flight resulting in one fancy hotel. And that doesn't even include all the people. There was a beautiful college reunion in New York where I saw some of my most favorite people in life, an insane wedding in Montana where 50 Arabs descended hard upon a small ski town, a quiet weekend in North Carolina with my oldest friend in life, a couple of county fairs along the way with my wonderful non-Emil-brother, and plenty of time in the good old Wisconnie. My oh my. I don't think much more could have fit inside this momentous summer. In fact, I probably should have broken it down into smaller blog entries with less pictures, but, waa waa! I guess it's all or nothing with me these days...

One of my first trips was to the exotic and remote land of Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin. Mt. Horeb, as some of you may know, is the troll capital of the world. Oh yes it is! My lovely friend Lacy and I took a little day trip to see these mysterious trolls, and even stopped for some beers on the way. Here's the new location of the New Glarus Brewery, home of the legendary Spotted Cow. Who all loves beer??

Trolls love to cuddle...

...and they love high fives.

And, of course, there was North Carolina (come on and raise up). My dear, wonderful Gina, who I've known since third grade, and her hubby Patrick spent the weekend showing me an absolutely beautiful time. There are few people in my life with whom I feel as comfortable as I do with these two. Whether we were lounging around the house with the dog, walking to the farmers market, or classing it up at wineries, it was an amazing, relaxing, hilarious time. Oh, and also, we ate like kings...damn hell ass KINGS! And...so you understand the hilarity:

Coincidentally, I recently came across a blog where the most recent entry highlights the food of North Carolina! Check it out! Tell your friends!

The second wedding of the year was Mark and Alexa's on Long Island. Mark and Alexa are Beloit people, which means....AWESOMENESS!!! Seriously, I met the best people ever in Beloit. It was so full of kindness and creativity and damn weirdos. And a bunch of them were at the wedding. To begin, here are the geniuses who got married:

And here are the geniuses who were the groomsmen. And one genius who thought to put Jaigermeister in a flask.

That's just Andy and I. Very sexy times.

Sarah and Jenny, two of my favorite bandos ever in life.

And the whole Beloit gang. Look for us in the next Beloit Magazine! YOW!

It was such a beautiful wedding. I cried pretty hard during the ceremony, but discovered a new makeup tip: I only did my upper eyeliner before the ceremony. Afterwards, and before the party, I did my bottom eyeliner and mascara. Genius!!!

Okay, so then there was Montana. Oh Montana! I can honestly say that I fell in love. Seriously. I've always talked about how much I love the Midwest and the flat, open landscapes of Wisconsin and Illinois. And, don't get me wrong, that love is still there. But you know what? Those mountains...I'd forgotten about those mountains. I flashed back to my times in Colorado, driving as far up a mountain as we could go just to look back down to where we were. And the softer, rolling mountains in Ireland where I spent much of my childhood, climbing for days and pretending I was in The Sound of Music. It all came back in Montana.

I saw some of the most beautiful things ever in my life, and got to be with some of the best people I know. And I'm lucky enough to be related to all 8 zillion of them! Or sort of related...I don't know, everybody is either a cousin or an auntie 'round these parts. Totally out of order, here's a glimpse into the exceptional things that have made me feel eternally grateful for my life and what I get to do:

The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. We hiked for forever, it seemed, all the while not knowing what we would soon be experiencing. When this view appeared in front of us, I had to catch my breath. Unbelievable.
At a break in our hike up one of the Grand Tetons. Yeah, I said Teton. My father has always had an interest in napping on rocks in public places, and my sister and I followed his lead. This is called Inspiration Point.
My beautiful family.
Some of the hydrothermal land in Yellowstone: the Fountain Paint Pots. I've never before seen colors like this in nature.
We saw a bear on our very first night! This guy hung out on the hill for awhile before crossing the road right in front of our car. My father kept telling us how lucky we were.
Another view of the Grand Tetons. As you can see, I just couldn't get enough of them. I keep imagining how cold that water is, and how fresh the air felt.
Oh. This is just Sara and I demonstrating how a yeti walks. You know. No big deal.
Do you know that buffalo are adorable? I've only seen them from afar, in the Badlands, but this guy walked right alongside our car. His front legs made him look like he was wearing bell bottoms.
We also went whitewater rafting. This is my sister, four of my cousins, and I in a raft. Missing pictures in this series include: the groom falling in the water, the bride falling in the water, our boat (mainly my cousin Laith) saving a young girl who'd fallen in and tumbled down the rapids, and my mother, several aunts, and several uncles wearing wetsuits. By special request only.

Returning to Wisconnie was no easy feat after that phenomenal trip, but the Dodge County Fair made it better. And my honorary little brother, Alex. Oh, and...STYX. Yes, I've seen Styx four times now, and it gets better and better every time. And the carnival atmosphere definitely helps...

And what would a summer in Wisconnie be without some sort of outdoor activity? Strawberry picking! My friend Jess invited me to go with her and a couple of other people to toil in the fields all day, i.e. pick strawberries and visit a donkey. Effing stellar, Jess. Nice job.
Come on now! Donkeys are so cute!

And last, but absolutely in no way least, one of my favorite pieces of Wisconsin came back to me, after having started her own journey in Austin a couple of years ago. My friend Tara is one of the most beautiful, strong, supportive, and (please pardon the Tyra reference) fiercest women I know. Spending a bit of time with her was the cherry on top of my sundae. No, the cheese on my sandwich. Okay...the appetizers of the entire meal. Basically, she's the greatest. Here we are being totally great.

And so...that's my summer. I actually just let out a giant breath. Let me know if you want to see anymore pictures or hear anymore stories. I'm hoping that the writer's block stays away so I can tell you all more about all of this, and more of whatever happens in the near future. Hopefully more things like this. For now though, I'm so glad to share these tiny bits of loveliness with you all. Thank you for reading!

Blocks and Blanks

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:27:00 +0000

I look at my blog "Edit Posts" page and there are seven unfinished drafts in there from the last two months. Seven! I have had writer's block up the wazoo. See? I'm so blocked that I have to resort to words like "wazoo." Ugh.

Anyhow, thanks to a lovely woman named Miriam and her Contemplative Writing class I've been attending, I've finally been able to write a couple of things. Today's assignment made me struggle so much - she gave us a bunch of blanks (i.e. "I regret ___," "I dream of ___," "When I was 8 years old ___," etc). The first 18 of the 20 minutes we wrote felt like pulling teeth. Tough stuff - boundary issues, discomfort -you know. I sort of hated it. But finally, in the last couple of minutes, all this stuff poured out of me, and then one of my awesome classmates said that I should put it on my blog. So...thanks class, and thanks Miriam! First finished piece in 65 days...

I used "I remember___"

I remember an uninspired life. Sitting in dark apartments for hours - laying on couches or beds, eating so much and letting it all sit in my body. Wasting hours and hours on television. And waiting on other people when I already had my shit together.

I remember not caring about much of anything. The biggest challenge of the day was whether I could get through a day of work with this bad a hangover.

And I remember devoting my precious life to somebody else, to too many somebody elses. And leaving myself alone and wondering where I went. And it is what made me realize what I really have to do - for me. I have to do this for me. Because there's no one else I'd rather be in charge of.

And so...

I remember the heartache and pain that led me to joy and inspiration. I remember the suffering that led me to a new, bright, and joyful life. I remember that I've learned to grow up and out and away from the darker parts of life. Like in the book The Prophet - the joy can only be as high as the sorrow was low.

I will continue to remember, experience, and live the highest and most gigantic joys that this world has ever heard of.

Thanks for reading, dudes. And thank you for patience and and clarity and light. Yes, you.

Weenus?

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 02:38:00 +0000

Okay, okay. I'm exhausted and broken and sort of wiped out from a very long (and lovely!) day at work. I scheduled poorly and ended up doing 17 zillion lessons in eight hours, and now I'm not totally sure I can explain what I learned today. But I'ma try, babies! Here we go...

M, 14 years old, comes for her lesson today. We're chatting, and somehow we get on the subject of tattoos. She talks about her cousin who's getting a tattoo behind her ear, and about how much she thinks this will hurt. I say that I can't really think of anywhere on a body that a tattoo wouldn't hurt, to which she replies...

Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt on the weenus!

I laugh, because, duh, "weenus." But then I stop and stare. Weenus? What the eff is a weenus??

My mind automatically travels back to the summer of 2000, and to the Arts Coop at Beloit College. I was hanging out there one summer night with several friends of mine, including one Mr. Andrew Feliciano. Andy, an obvious genius, was walking around being charming, as usual. He spotted this guy Gabe, who had a dog with him. I can't remember the dog's actual name, but Andy decided to call him "Weenus" for the rest of the night. He also decided, at the same time, that he'd from now on call all dogs "Weenus." Gabe didn't like that one bit, but Andy continued. And, as anti-climactic as this may be, that's the end of the story.

Oh, except sometimes I bump into Gabe here in Madison, and I think about Weenus, but I don't bring it up.

So anyhow, back to tonight. I hear my very mature, fourteen-year old student say the word "Weenus" in reference to it being a body part, and getting a tattoo on it and having it not hurt, and she's giggling, and I'm not really sure what to do. So thankfully she realized my confusion and says "Oh! Weenus is the extra skin on your elbow." She then pulls on her elbow skin and repeats it. "Weenus."

Have you all heard this before?? Is this even real? I've done a teensy bit of research, and apparently, there are some things that prove this point! Check it...

From Yahoo! Answers:

Hey whats a wenus (wee-nis)...I heard its either the little indention above your lip or the piece of skin on your elbow...anybody know what it is? Muchos gracias!

David T

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

wenus

1. the skin on your elbow
2. a word use for freaking someone out by making them think youre talking about something else when you say wenus

Your wenus is huge!
Wanna see my wenus?
Cover up your wenus, for the love of god!
My wenus is all wrinkly.
My wenus can stretch really far.
I have TWO wenuses!

And from The Urban Dictionary:

1. weenus
The skin on your elbows. It can be stretched out, and, like a penis, you can compare the size of it to others.
Weenus,
It is a flap of skin.
Weenus,
It holds your elbows in.
Weenus,
It sounds like penis,
But it is weenus,
Oh, Yes, It is!!!

"My weenus is bigger than yours!!!"

Some info from Snopes:
You know, to check if it's an urban legend or not...

And some obviously saintly person who has dedicated a billion hours to the word weenus (sometimes spelled weenis here), using it in sentences, making up games, writing poems, sharing popular references. Too ridiculous to pass up. Check it here.

Weenus? Seriously?? Why would anybody choose weenus as the name of a body part? I just don't understand it. Unreal...

What to Do on a Crabby Ass Morning

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:39:00 +0000

I'm having trouble with the capitalization of the title of this blog. What to do? What To Do? I don't even know. And I don't even care.

So I woke up this morning feeling groggy and crabby, which is really unusual for me, especially as of late. Because, you know, I feel pretty wonderful the majority of the time. Honestly, I do. So it wasn't a very pleasant or fun way to wake up feeling all gross and tired and bitchy. Not fun to anybody else, I'm sure, and especially not fun to me! Boooo!

So what does one do in these situations? I mean, sure, there's always the retroactive solutions of Get more sleep, Don't be up until 3 am when you have to wake up at 8 am, Do not drink a giant iced coffee and a giant iced latte in one day, Eat something more substantial than carbs all day. Sure, real easy to say now! It's today! That was yesterday! So really, what good could that do me this morning? None, I tell you. Instead, I turn to the internet. The following are things that always lift my spirits, make me feel less crabby and more awesome, and sometimes even cause me to "Laugh Out Loud." Check them out:

Shark Attack 3! I found this clip one day when I searched youtube for "giant shark." It's an absolute cinematic masterpiece. Oh, and check out the smug son of a bitch at the very end. BOOM!

"Lord of the Rings Funny Voices." I've never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies (and for this I believe my brother wants to disown me), but I did come across this video long ago. Emil tells me it's a beautiful scene in which Frodo wakes up after a big battle and, after thinking all of his friends are dead, find out that they actually are not! Bonus fact: I had to google "Elijah Wood Lord of the Rings" to figure out the name "Frodo." Sorry, Emil. Anyhow, check out this alternate version with hilarious voice-overs:

My sister's blog entry on "Naughty Arabic." One beautiful day, Sara and Emil sat in the living room and compiled a list of words that are totally normal in Arabic, but sound dirty in English. I'll say no more - check out this brilliance.

Hobo Names! Here is a list of 700 hobo names. A little something to tickle your fancy and peak your curiosity:
#21: Mr. Wilson Fancypants
#22: Floyd Dangle
#23: Shane Stoopback
#24: Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes
#25: Normal-Face Olaf
You totally want to click here.

Sexy People! Always good for a laugh. Recently copied by Awkward Family Photos, I prefer Sexy People's more streamlined, focused approach. To laughing at people. Take Ron, for example...

Check it!

If you're not feeling better by now, there's probably something wrong with you. I mean seriously, you've probably got a very serious problem that may be untreatable. Or, you know, maybe we just have different taste in humor. Whatever man. If you still haven't laughed yet, just google "hobo," or look at clips of the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job, or go on youtube and look up "world burping champion" and see what you come up with. And best of luck with your cold, dead, humorless soul. God, how about a smile once in awhile? Jeez....

Road Trip With Mom! Day Three: Memphis, Tennessee

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:19:00 +0000

Today was a full day. My head is swimming.

We started this morning by visiting Graceland, home of Elvis Presley - duh. It was pretty amazing. Mom and I had a great time seeing old movie memorabilia, checking out his fantastically flamboyant wardrobe, and posing in front of his car collection. Oh yes, we absolutely did.

He had a fantastic sense of style, in my opinion. Check out his yellow and navy tv room!

Oh, and The Jungle Room!

Lovely tour of his home. Here's mom and I outside the mansion:

Graceland was really fun, but the tour ended with a lot of emotion. In one room at the end, they played his concert from Hawaii. He did a slow version of "Dixie" in which he included part of "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah." A mix of sweat and tears ran down his face as he sang. (As an aside: In a beautiful Elvis Moment, the cameras caught a fan handing him a hankerchief to wipe the moisture from his face. He accepted it gratefully, used it, and handed it back to the fan, who screamed. Lovely). Although I'm no fan of the song "Dixie," or Dixieland itself, I got very caught up in his rendition of the song, as well as in his emotion while performing. What a beautiful man - his ability to reach his audience is incredible and probably stretched further than I can even imagine.

After this room, we went outside to the meditation garden where his family is buried. Seeing his grave, seeing him buried next to his parents and grandmother, along with a plaque made for his twin brother who was stillborn, was incredibly moving. Personally, I have never felt a strong connection to Elvis - his life or his music or anything. Nothing like Marvin Gaye - I cry every time I think of him dying, and I cry most times I hear his music. If I ever visited his grave, I think I'd lose my mind. With Elvis, it's different - he's one of my mom's favorite musicians, he's pretty much the handsomest man in the world, and he led an amazing life. Definitely. But I've never felt emotional about him. Something happened though, standing in front of his grave. Everybody in the area got a little quieter and slowed their pace a bit. I felt slowed down and, at the same time, caught up in the heavy air outside. There was a wave of sadness and beauty and peace and quiet, all at once. There's some powerful energy there; it really seized me for a few moments...

Later in the day, we went to the National Civil Rights Museum, which is located at the Lorraine Motel on Mulberry St. This is the site of where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. To be standing just 5 feet away from where Dr. King was shot and killed, to imagine the shots being fired and him falling and his life ending on that balcony - it took my breath away. There's an immense sadness in that space, yet an insane surge of a more hopeful energy reflected by a quotation that was posted nearby: You can kill the dreamer, but never the dream.

This wreath hangs outside Room 306 at the Lorraine Motel, where Dr. King was staying.

We also got to read a lot about the history of the civil rights movement. The whole museum made me think about my sister and her coworkers who, by going to work every day in the south, fight harder than I can sometimes ever imagine. To go to your job, your work, your career, your life, and have it be a struggle and an insane uphill battle every single day...And how amazing and humbling to imagine Rosa Parks on the bus, and the people in the Woolworth's lunch counter protests, and what it must have felt like to be doing what they did. And to hear about the non-violent training people carried out: how to not react to people calling you names and harassing you verbally and physically, how to peacefully protest, and, because of what peaceful protesting was met with, how to cover your head when you're being beaten. How to stay alive when people try and hurt you. It is inspiring and sad and amazing and awful, all at once.

After a day like this, it's sort of difficult to decompress and go on and do regular things right away. I definitely felt quiet for the rest of the day. I am so grateful for this down time to write down as much as I can, attempt to sort out the feelings and transform them into words as well as I'm able, and reflect on everything we took in today. And I feel this: I wish for everybody in my life to witness amazing happenings, encounter remarkable individuals, experience life-changing events, be good people, and go through it all with grace and humility.

Road Trip With Mom! Days Two and Four: Memphis and a Bit of Nashville

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:11:00 +0000

Welcome to Day Two of Mom and my road trip! It's difficult to top a night at the Grand Ole Opry with all the olds, but Mom and I were determined to do our best! We had a lovely brunch on the riverfront, and bumped into a couple of lovely ladies who you all might recognize...

That's right, it's Reba McIntyre and Wynonna! Such a strange coincidence that we ran into these two superstars at a breakfast advertised as "Breakfast with the Stars" because there they were! It must have been our lucky day...

We (sadly) left Opryland, but our spirits were quickly lifted when we realized that, on our drive to Memphis, we'd be passing right by Loretta Lynn's ranch in Hurricane Mills! We stopped there and saw some fantastic memorabilia (we weren't allowed to take pictures - lame), went inside her tour bus, checked out the Motocross track, and even spied her personal horses. One had "LL" branded on it's butt. Kinda weird.

After our wonderful break, we finished the trip to Memphis. You know what man? I love Memphis. I thank the entire universe for Memphis. I know we only saw a tiny part of it, but really. This is where so much of what I love was born, and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

We spent our first evening in Memphis on Beale St. eating barbecue and fried catfish and listening to a jazz orchestra. Later, we went to B.B. King's club where we saw a blues band. My mom can totally hang! Fantastic night.

Beale St. at night.

Notes to self: On Memphis...Sometimes a city is just a city. And music is just music. And just because you're in a gigantically powerful, passionate city, listening to this beautiful music, it doesn't mean you'd fall back in love. It isn't the music and the city that make you love. It would have to be the person. This is what it means to be thirty and know yourself really well, and be open, but cautious, in affairs of the heart. Taking a cue from Johnny Cash, I'm keeping a close watch on this heart of mine...

Sorry for the cryptic junk - get plenty of vodka in me sometime and maybe I'll explain that one some time...Okay, so on to Day 4. I'm skipping Day 3 for now because I really need to process that entire day a bit more, but I don't want to keep you all waiting too long. I mean, I know it's very difficult to carry on with your regular life when I'm not blogging...sorry dudes!

We woke up in Memphis on Tuesday morning and headed straight to Sun Studio. Sun was a recording studio and record label in Memphis started by Sam Phillips. Okay. Deep breath. Dudes, we were in the room where Elvis, Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Jerry Lee Louis, Carl Perkins, Howling Wolf, and so many others recorded! Seriously, this was so cool. We heard original recordings of all these artists, including Elvis's first record ever - he'd recorded a song for his mother for her birthday the first time he walked into Sun.

Jerry Lee Louis, Carl Perkins, Elvis, and Johnny Cash.

Later, we went to the Stax Museum of American Soul. This was absolutely the high point of this trip for me. Do you even know how much I love Otis Redding? Ever since the first time I saw Pretty in Pink and Duckie danced to "Try a Little Tenderness," I was in love with Otis Redding. I love every song he sings. I love the way he dances. I love everything about him. Once in awhile, as I walk by Lake Monona in Madison, I feel a surge of anger and sadness - this was the lake that swallowed Otis's plane when he was just 26 years old. To think that he accomplished so much in such a short life, expressed so much amazing music and art - it just blows my mind.

Stax was fantastic. Here's the hall of records - I think it's every single record put out by Stax. It went on forever...

That afternoon, we drove back to Nashville, checked into our hotel, and had a lovely sushi dinner at Ru San's, which is my absolutely favorite sushi restaurant! The Hodi-Totonchi family, plus many of my sister's friends, have spent many hungover lunches and dinners at Ru San's in Atlanta...and there was one in Nashville. Fantastic!

Here's a view of our hotel - it used to be a train station. I'll get more daytime pictures today.

I'm really loving it down here.

Next up! Day Three: Graceland and the National Civil Rights Museum.

Road Trip With Mom! Day One: Glenview to Nashville

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 05:14:00 +0000

Um...have you all ever taken a road trip with your mom? I have. It rules.

We started early Saturday morning - 7 am - and made our way south. We stopped at a Bob Evans for a hearty breakfast. This is how adorable Mom is first thing in the morning:

And THIS is how adorable I am first thing in the morning:

Bob Evans was pretty great. Tasty and affordable breakfasts brought out real quick. Although, they did have this poster hanging in the entrance of the restaurant...I'm not sure what Apple Pie Fries are, but we did not stick around to find out. Barf!

We made amazing time; it took only eight hours from Chicago to Nashville! We arrived at our first hotel - The Grand Ole Opry Convention Center. Why stay there, you ask? Oh, no reason. Maybe just because we had tickets to see Crystal Gayle and Patty Loveless at the Grand Ole Opry that night! Whoa!!! More about that later...The hotel was incredible. It was sort of like Disneyland, minus the rides, and as if it was located inside a greenhouse. Does that make sense? Check it out:

This stuff is all inside the hotel. It's like a giant greenhouse with a billion plants and flowers and a zillion lanais and some nice restaurants. Fantastic.

The reason we went straight to Nashville Saturday night was, as mentioned before, so we could go see The Grand Ole Opry! It was amazing. I'll post a couple of pictures here, but if you want to see the whole mess of them, check out my Picasa album. Mom kept commenting on how it must be Geriatric Night - and she made a good point! At least half of the performers were definitely of the senior persuasion. And damn, were they amazing performers. Check out Little Jimmy Dickens, 88 years old and about 4'10"!

And here are the ladies themselves, Patty Loveless:

And Crystal Gayle. Her hair is still down to her ankles. Mom wondered how she dyes it all. Oh snap! Who said that?!

I loved The Grand Ole Opry - the hotel and the show! It was amazing. Oh, and I even got to play the piano at the Opry!!!!!
..........(hotel)

Coming Up! Day Two: Nashville to Memphis. Where did we stop on our long drive, you ask? Oh, just a little somewhere called Loretta Lynn's Ranch! Wait til you read about it...

Inspired by The Family and Ole Toilet Phone

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Wed, 20 May 2009 04:22:00 +0000

I write/repost this blog in honor of a couple of things. Number one being the fact that I really need to buy a new phone. I've had Ole Toilet Phone for way too long now, and the buttons are all breaking and the sound is funny and it really doesn't work that well. Plus, it was once in a toilet (read below).

The second reason I write this blog is because I'm sort of obsessed with my family this evening. Not that you need a reminder or anything (oh yes, those are all individual links)...Tonight my parents, Emil, Mladenka, Laith, Layla, Luai, Lameis, Auntie Vicky and Amu Nabeel, and some extras (I'm sure including Josh, Fontaine, and a few others) were all at a White Sox game together. I received a text from Layla saying that my father had called her - from eight seats down - to ask her if she wanted a margarita. At some point there was some kind of impression of my father, done by the one and only Luai. I still have yet to hear it, but I'm sure I'll document it in some way when the time comes. And finally! I received a text from Laith. There were no words to this text; just one magical, magnificent picture:

And so, with that, I repost my blog from a craptacular day a few years ago when my phone got busted up and my family made everything better. And hilarious.

That was my day, friends. Craptacular indeed.

Lots of stupid shitty things happened to make my day craptacular and to make me an absolute crab all day. No thanks to stupid parents (not mine, the ones I work for) and Begonia barfing in 3 different places (he wanted to be like momma today). But the biggest craptacular thing that happened today involved my sparkling, semi-new, pink cellular telephone. I love that phone. I love making calls on it and waking up to my alarm on it and, especially, playing Jewel Quest on it.

But the thing is, I dropped it again today. And this wasn't your regular run of the mill, "I dropped my phone on the hardwood floor" drop which happens about five times a week. Oh no. I dropped it in water.

Any guesses to what kind of water? Well you're probably right. It was toilet water. In the toilet. It was clean, mind you! I mean, nothing was in there except for water, and I'm sure 8 billion germs, but it was mostly acceptable.

I have never in my life stuck my hand down into a toilet faster than I did today. Like, without a second thought. My hand was fully submersed in the toilet. Where people poop. But I had to get my phone, see?

So it was broken for awhile but I think it works mostly now. For awhile though, the main button that leads to all the "features" didn't work, and neither did the 5 and 6 buttons. Want to know the number to call for repairs? 1-800-331-9656. Its true. I could not call.

Anyhow, I took out the battery and let it dry and all, and turned it back on and it seems to be working okay now but its iffy, so sorry to anybody who tried to reach me tonight. On the plus side, I sent an email out to my family listserve, which involves not only myself, my siblings and parents, but all 10 first cousins, 3 sets of aunts and uncles, and two or three random stragglers on the side. Below is the email I sent, followed by the responses I received within less than 2 hours of sending out the email. I have never felt cooler.

Reem wrote:
Hi family.

I'll keep this short and sweet.

I dropped my phone in the toilet today. The only detail I will give at this time is that the toilet was clean and nothing was in there except for water. Clean, clear water.

Anyhow, my phone is now broken and unreliable so if you try to call me in the next few days it most likely will not work. The five and six buttons are broken, and I can't even play Jewel Quest! Totally stupid.

Anyhow, that's where I'm at. Hopefully I'll talk to you all soon some otherway. Oh and I can't text either.

Mom and Dad I will call you from another phone tonight.

xxoo, Reem

Laith wrote:
You're right...totally stupid. Good luck

Sara wrote:
I recently dropped my phone in the tub at the salon while getting a pedicure. The poor Vietnamese ladies practically screamed and kept yelling at me "Get the SIM! Get the SIM!" Their advice worked- I took the SIM card out and let everything dry out and it works fine now. :)

Layla wrote:
I had the same problem when I dropped my pager in the toilet. All I did was open up every area I could and let it air dry for 2 days...then I popped in a battery and happy happy joy joy..it WORKED AGAIN!!!

Good Luck Reem!

Samer (who is a boy) wrote:
you know, this reminds me of all the times I've dropped so many things in the toilet...bracelets, combs, toothbrushes, and other crap (no pun intended)...but never an electronic device..ill work on that for the awesome experience!
Samer

Lameis wrote:
I've dropped it in beer before, it has the same negative effects :)

Emil wrote:
Wow this family is so supportive. let me just add one thing: when were eating at the Brazilian all you can eat meat place, Luai's belt buckle broke off and fell in the urinal

Luai wrote:
Oh yeah I totally remember that, that was hilarious, I couldn't win that day

Oh family, I love you! Thanks for being so hilarious!

Michigan, But Without The Festival

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Thu, 14 May 2009 02:15:00 +0000

Oh dudes. I got to visit with Sarah the BFF this weekend. There's not much better in life than when we're together. I'm pretty exhausted this week, so I'ma just post the highlights of the trip via pictures. There's about 150 other pictures that you can check out too if you're interested.

It was an amazing weekend. We met up in Michigan at her parents' house to hang out and basically eat food, watch cable, play outside a bit, and bando it up at the dorkestra. You know, the usual.

At Sarah's parent's house, there are always a few things you can expect. One of those things being...PIE! Rhubarb, to be specific:

You can also expect to hang out with a billion animals. I think there were five cats and a dog. They all rule. Bronte cuddled with me the first night, Fred cuddled with me the next morning, Baby sat on my lap a little later, Boobie (who I've known since she was a tiny kitten!) mostly ignored me and fawned over Momma Sarah, and Black and White Boy (who doesn't actually live there - he's a neighbor's cat) snuck inside to eat the other cats' food a couple of times. Also, all the animals lay around and are lazy all the time. It's wonderful.

We saw Valerie!

We played video games! Sarah is doing a skateboard game. She ruled. I tried to play a game in which you "play the drums" and I lost within 7 seconds. Booo!

We were, of course, hilarious. Yes, it says Double Delight. That's us, bitches!

And some of us are cute sometimes. Right?

Press PLAY!

Hannah, Sarah's youngest sister, won a concerto competition that allowed her to play with a professional orchestra! She did the Tchaikovsky Violin Concerto in D, which, when first composed, was deemed "unplayable" by performers. And Hannah played it! And she's only 17! Seriously, she's amazing. Watch the video (this is the second half of the performance)! If you're pressed for time, I recommend checking it out right at about 2:30 and watching for a bit.

I have to say, it was such a pleasure to see Hannah play this weekend. I first met Hannah when she was only 6 or 7. I remember eating dinner at Sarah's parents' house, sitting across from Hannah, who was eating a Chik Patty, and being way impressed that Hannah was a vegetarian by her own choice. I was no less impressed at her performance this weekend, watching a truly professional musician and beautiful and talented young woman. Wow, Hannah. Wow. Good job being amazing!

Okay, enough gushing. One thing Sarah and I like to do is walk the fine line between classy and tacky. I call it "Clacky." Here we are, dressed to the nines, eating some delicious Taco Bell:

Oh, and we stayed in a hotel! These are pictures we took whilst laying in one bed together.

BFFs rule, dudes. I don't even know what else to say.

Carpet Somewhere in the Building?

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:16:00 +0000

Okay, this was a tough one. Only because I wasn't sure if I should post it or not, due to the privacy issue. Here's the story: Yesterday, a parent of some of my students whom I've known for about 4 years told me that one of her sons (just turned nine years old) had written his own will. He came up with the idea on his own; nobody pushed, encouraged, or suggested anything. It was all his own doing.

Sort of morbid, right? His mother even agreed with me. But that's that funny part. It's actually way more hilarious than it is morbid. Read on to see why (I took out all names and personal things, but if you all spot anything else I should take out for privacy, let me know asap):

The Last Will And Testament of _____

March 30, 2009
I, ______, hereby declare:

I want to be buried; I do not want to be ashes. I want to be buried in a catholic cemetery. At my funeral mass, I want the hymns to be Amazing Grace and Lift High the Cross.

I want the Bishop of Madison, Wisconsin, United States to be the main celebrant at my funeral mass. I want to be buried next to _________. I want _________to make my casket.

I want them to burry my with my hair dyed purple. I want to be buried with a Wisconsin Badgers blanket and a rosary in my hands. I want to be buried a white cassock with red polka dots.

I want the funeral mass to begin at 3:17 AM, on a Monday. I want the funeral mass to be celebrated in a church with carpet somewhere in the building.

I want ______, ______, and _____ to serve at my funeral mass.

I want Little Creasers Pizza to be served at the luncheon after the funeral mass. And I want all of the people at the luncheon to watch the movie: St. John Bosco – Mission to Love, by Ignatius Press.

I want 100% of my money to go to the Cathedral of St. Raphael in Madison, Wisconsin, United States. I want all my other belongings, including my rubber ducky, to go to _________.

I want to give my batman underwear to my personal secretary, whoever it is.

I am not mentally ill at the time of writing. I want them to read this at my funeral mass. I, ____, is aged 9 at the time of writing.

I feel that I should also point out that this kid's little brother, who is two years old, told his mom the other day that he wanted to get a new dog and name it "Stupid." When the mom told him that this was not a nice way to talk and she didn't want to hear him call anybody that, he told her that he's only say it when she wasn't around.

EVERYBODY RULES.

Poo. Bird Poo, Specifically.

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:48:00 +0000

A bird just pooped on my head. Like right smack dab in the middle, right on top. Oh, I'm serious. I was walking from my car to the front door of my home when I felt something hit me. Or land on me. Either way, I knew it was too heavy to be a raindrop. Maybe it was a bud from a tree? Maybe a tiny acorn thrown from a squirrel? Who knows, right?

Well, I had to know, so I put my fingers up to the top of my head to feel around. I felt something sort of wet, and slowly brought my fingers down to examine. Yep...bird poo. Without thinking that I'd later be documenting this episode, I quickly wiped some of it on the side of the house, so this is all I had left on my fingers when I got to my camera:

Hard to see, I realize, but I guarantee you it's bird poo.

Here is where it landed in my hair - also hard to see, but there's a little bit of white right above the upside-down L that's in my scalp for some reason.

You know the best part? After my first initial thought of "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT," and my second thought of "Okay, I better document this for the bloggo," my third thought was "That's pretty hilarious." I mean, I actually laughed out loud. I don't know man, things are just so hilarious to me right now. What a great life. Full of poo. But great, nonetheless.

Busted Up vs. Tricked Out vs. Tightened Up

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Fri, 01 May 2009 05:26:00 +0000

This is a blog entry I wrote about 16 months ago, when I still wrote mostly on MySpace. I have been thinking about Gary Busey a lot today, for some reason, so I thought I'd repost this blog that is loosely based around him...

I tried to explain to Schabow the other night about "busted up." I came off sounding like a dick. Probably because I was talking about people I know. Which, yes, is shallow and mean. SORRY. God. Whatever. Anyhow, its not as mean if I do it with celebrities, right? Good. So here is how i meant for it to sound:

Sometimes somebody is the busted up somebody else. Like, the busted up person looks like the first person, but maybe a little more raggedy, or like their hair is messy and unkempt...you know? I know it sounds mean, but it really doesn't have to be. Here is an example:

Gary Busey is the busted up Nick Nolte

Nick Nolte

Gary Busey

See? They look alike, but Gary Busey is slightly...well, busted up.

I was talking to Mark tonight, and he mentioned that there should be the possibility of somebody being the "tricked out" somebody else. Like find somebody who is "a natural beauty" and then find somebody who looks like them, but with a shit ton of makeup or giant earrings. Or who has special powers maybe. We couldn't think of any examples at first, but then...

Janice Dickinson

Chynna Doll

To me, it looks like Chynna Doll is the tricked out Janice Dickinson because of all her crazy muscles. Its like you get Janice, but then get all these add-ons, like muscles and a giant neck.

Here's one that I have a hard time with...who's the busted up who in this trio?

Mary Steenbergen

Andie McDowell

Susan Lucci

I mean, in my opinion, they're all busted up. I'd say Andie McDowell is the least busted up (or, as we coined this weekend, the "tightened up"). But that's because I'm biased, because Susan Lucci looks like an animated corpse (not my original thought - sorry!) and Mary Steenbergen, well I don't mind her, but she married Ted Danson! that douchebag!

So. Is that nicer Schabow? It's all for you, my friend. All for you.

I think my writing used to be a lot cruder. Oh, how we grow. I've gone from crude to prude!

JK, dudes, JK.

Top Five Lists Continued

noreply@blogger.com (Reem Tara) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:27:00 +0000

Inspired by me sister (she wrote the first two)!

Top Five Places Reem Would Hate To Be
1. A James Taylor Convention
2. JoAnn Fabrics
3. The Sea Ranch (a fish "butcher" in the Chicago suburbs)
4. Harrison's Poultry Store
5. The Lasik Eye Surgery Center
(she knows me SO well! Several of these were on my shit list!)

Top Five Things Reem Would Take Bets To Win:
1. any amount of money over $4
2. someone to dye her hair, then wash out the dye over the kitchen sink (Reem's note: it's true! Washing out the dye is SO hard because my entire body gets dyed purple. If you wash the dye out for me, I'll love you forever)
3. anything that gained its fame from an informercial. well almost anything.
4. a delicious sandwich, perhaps one of the 5 listed in the previous blog
5. some opportunity for the loser to make an ass of themselves.

Five best Bets I've Won In My Life
1. Laith bet me I couldn't eat a whole Awesome Blossom. I did it, won $17 dollars and had my meal paid for, and had indigestion for three days. Just FYI, I substituted ranch for the sauce they serve with it, and stuck to water all night.
2. Emil thought one or two of the member of Hanson were girls. I bet him they were all boys. I won.
3. The Beach Caper. The video explains a lot.
4. This one hasn't been won by me yet, but it will: I bet Nick that the store Elves Palace sells at least three of the following: pewter wizard figurines, crystals, gargoyle statues, incense holders in the shape of something...like a goddess.
5. Once Sara and I made a Gentleman's Wager. What it was, I unfortunately cannot tell you. This has been driving me crazy for 24 hours now because I can't remember what it is! Anybody remember??

I'm sure there will be more. Probably this is the only thing I'll blog about anymore. Waa waa!